How anyone could possibly get through that shit anymore I have no idea.
I think he has the first line on F5 and it's the mantra he trots out every. single. week: THE NFL IS SO UNPREDICTABLE AND WEIRD IT'S CRAZY.
It's as though the entire NFL exists for him and only him. He doesn't talk anymore about what happened. Instead everything is framed by what he THOUGHT would happen. Or what some nebulous THEY thought would happen.
Who thinks the Seahawks are finished?
And just look at this five crazy fucking things:
1. The NFC East is going to be bizarre. I mean, no shit. That's what EVERYBODY thought. It's going to be an uneven, messy, not very good division.
2. The Eagles are bad. I mean, yeah, some people thought the Eagles would be good, but who thought the Sam Bradford trade was a good one? What pedigree does Chip Kelly have in the NFL? Who didn't criticize Kelly for making what many thought were very strange personnel moves?
3. Baltimore is Broken. Okay, sure, Baltimore is generally thought of as a good AFC team. But who didn't think losing Suggs would hurt them. And he just completely discounts how difficult it is for east coast teams to go out and win on the west coast and that the home field advantage is huge out there (just as it is for west coast teams coming east). So, Baltimore should have won against Denver, but lost one of its best defensive players, and then lost a game to Oakland, who lots of people think has a great young quarterback. Whatevs.
4. Atlanta doesn't suck. Well, they squeaked by the Eagles (who you just told us are incompetent) and then the Giants (who just about everyone thinks is awful). Okay? I guess 2-0 is just crazy?
5. Johnny Football, blah, blah. What, because Josh McCown has earned the undying love of the Cleveland fans? Because we're supposed to be impressed that Cleveland beat Tennessee, which was the second worst team in the league last year? No one could have seen that coming? Is he drunk.
6. Apparently he is drunk, because his list of "5 things" is actually six things long, and he wants me to be surprised that Andy Dalton is good. Um, yeah, no shit. That's the whole narrative around Dalton. He's great in the regular season and sux balls in the playoffs. Is the playoffs Pete? No, he's beaten Oakland (who you're shocked beat Baltimore) and San Diego in their home stadium (and San Diego sucks on the road, in general).
Why does everything have to be cast as some kind of fucking surprise? Why is it so hard to write, "Julio Jones has turned in a particularly impressive performance. I got a chance to talk with him and he said some funny stuff." Instead it's literally something "we never saw coming."
Never. It's impossible. No wayzers, dude.
Blech.