Why Do I Continue to Read Peter King?
- Thread starter John Marzano Olympic Hero
- Start date
Well I wasn't a fan of eight years of Montclair HS Girls Softball either, dipshit.
Ho HO! REALLY?! I seem to recall a near-weekly rant about coffee quality in hotels, and one recent instance of complaining about the proximity of affordable parking in the Copley Place Westin.
"I'm not particular. If I'm in a city that doesn't really have a super fancy hotel, then I don't have to stay in one. But if the city is big enough to have nice hotels, then I want to stay in one."
"My hotel preferences: I like big, expensive, hotels, downtown, near expensive restaurants."
"This is why I like to stay in one of the most expensive hotels in one of the most expensive cities in the nation."
"I can afford to stay there, eat at overpriced Legal Seafoods, drink overpriced coffee, and catch a game at Fenway. There's really no point to this story except to brag about my charmed life. In these troubled economic times, if you have $1,000 to blow this coming weekend, I recommend it."
Hey Peter King, did you know that Neil Young wrote that song while teaching his son, who was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, how to crawl? And that the lyrics are almost certainly a reference to Young's frustration that, despite all of his material success ("mashed potatoes") , his life felt fundamentally empty because he had fathered multiple children with severe disabilities, and was wracked with frustration and self-loathing over the most important thing in his life ("ain't got no T-bone")?
I know, there's no way you could have known this, Peter King, because you listen to shit like Coldplay. So just shut the fuck up. A man who posts jokes about Siri and Starbucks every week for a living has no place making fun of Neil Young. You are such a fat piece of shit, I can hardly stand it.
I literally snorted with glee while reading this post. Well done! Doc Leather's weekly eviscerations of Peter King are FJM-level awesome. Seriously, thank you for taking the time and effort to crank these out. Bravo! :bravo:
Maybe not his fat ass, but one definitely could. What's awesome though is that we can almost guarantee that King has never made the walk himself. He quoted the 24 minutes directly from Google Maps.
Ok, I've settled down a little.
Oh, and thanks for letting me know what "real tv" is, fuck face. Question: what if a person writes their own script? Is that real tv? Or fake tv?
Maybe it's just a glandular problem.
Or is he just commenting that he loves that teams from the Western Conference are from "the west" and teams from the Eastern Conference are from "the east"? He does know that's deliberate, right?
"Except for these two awesome players."
"The Celtics are awesome. I can't believe Danny Ainge was considering making a trade to improve them!"
.
"My job is so hard."
Oh, and thanks for letting me know what "real tv" is, fuck face. Question: what if a person writes their own script? Is that real tv? Or fake tv?
Why? Weren't you openly rooting for the Canucks a few months ago?
Maybe it's just a glandular problem.
How much does anyone want to bet that King doesn't know that A) Los Angeles has had a team since 1966; and B) The Devils have only been in New Jersey since 1982, after hopping from Kansas City to Colorado.
Or is he just commenting that he loves that teams from the Western Conference are from "the west" and teams from the Eastern Conference are from "the east"? He does know that's deliberate, right?
"The Celtics look shitty!"
"Except for these two awesome players."
"The Celtics are awesome. I can't believe Danny Ainge was considering making a trade to improve them!"
"Until LeBron wins a title, I'm not going to say that MVPs are meaningless awards. But they are pretty meaningless"
A joke made by Pete Abe...PETER ABRAHAM...flies over King's head.
:barf:
.
ha!Maybe not his fat ass, but one definitely could. What's awesome though is that we can almost guarantee that King has never made the walk himself. He quoted the 24 minutes directly from Google Maps.
Yeah, I meant that I was having a hard time believing it would take that long. I live right around the corner. 15 minutes tops. Certainly no longer than 20 if you're a slow walker.
Peter, Thanks for your input - I'll pass it along to my wife who is currently breastfeeding our newborn.
I'm a pretty quick walker, and live blocks from Fenway, and a block from that Westin, and I don't walk to work in the morning because it takes 20 minutes or so, and I hate waking early. The walk home at night takes around 20, so I can see it.
I absolutely love this. He writes it as if it hasn't already been said by literally EVERYBODY ELSE.
Yep.
And then he does the opposite...argues against something that no one has said (that Randy Moss won't be the 2007 Moss, or whatever).
Leather, I am not one to tell anyone what to do; but if you don't have anything to say about King's latest opus, then you may have to leave your throne. Holy shit was this column a piece of crap.
Three things I think I think:
I can't believe that Hobart thought it was a good idea to have Savannah Guthrie give a commencement address. I figured she must have gone there. Nope.
King doesn't spend enough time in airport lounges if he is new to the free drink/premium drink thing.
The most depressing in-flight movie in the history of in-flight movies is Up in the Air.
I can't believe that Hobart thought it was a good idea to have Savannah Guthrie give a commencement address. I figured she must have gone there. Nope.
King doesn't spend enough time in airport lounges if he is new to the free drink/premium drink thing.
The most depressing in-flight movie in the history of in-flight movies is Up in the Air.
Oh. You're in London, visiting the famous Beatles studio. That famous album cover, with the Beatles (the most famous band in the world, probably ever) crossing the road. To their studio. On Abbey Road. Yea.
...
OH THANK GOD you clarified which one you were talking about. Also, note that King doesn't mention anything about the actual album, or the Beatles, because he listens to shitty music. Beatles Schmeatles.
You know what, Peter? Fuck you. Way to condescend to your own fucking audience and countrymen. You love Cricket so fucking much, just stay there. Then tell me how you like soccer hooligans.
I'll always think of Smith with platitudes and cliches.
A) I'm not sure any coach read that.
B) Not many coaches are left from 1994.
C) No coach that read that and regretted not drafting Smith in 1994 did so because of that speech.
Does PK always explain, redundantly, what an article of food is made of?
"The other day I had chili with beans (meat and beans in a tomato-based soup, served hot with beans)..."
"I had a lunch of grilled cheese the other day (bread, toasted, served with cheese)..."
Who the fuck cares?
In America, we have this game called "Baseball" where something very similar happens.
This is the most exciting part of his cricket story, which is like 456,543 words long. Holy shit.
"We watched cricket. It was kind of boring, but let me tell you, it wasn't that boring. There was no distractions, everyone watched the game! Meanwhile, there were some great distractions like cake, and playing cricket in the lobby, and getting a beer, and talking to my buddies....".
"NERDS!!!!"
I dunno Peter, merely crossing a street in London sounds infinitely more interesting than your so, so, boring piece about how cricket is so, so, not boring.
Then follows a long page of re-quoted commencement speeches.
To be clear, King has now devoted about 40% of his column, ostensibly about football, to 1) The sights and sounds of a cricket match; and 2) Commencement speeches made by random celebrities.
What. The. Fuck. I mean, seriously. Why do you devote 2 pages to this shit? How about we start with the commencement speech fetish. I mean, what, does PK fucking sit around and read every commencement speech in the country?
Appalling.
"Readers, I know you value me for football information, but I just wanted to waste 20 minutes of your morning reading simplistic crap that has nothing to do with you unless you are a recent college grad...and given that I feel the need to explain the significance of Abbey Road, most of you presumably aren't. Why am I wasting your time? Well...I'm not sure."
Oh. Ok. I see. PK just wanted to point out that HE is important enough to have merited giving a commencement speech once upon a time.
The more and more I read these, the clearer it gets: MMQB has nothing to do with football, it has to do with Peter King's Life, of which football happens to play a part. This column should be retitled "Mondays with Peter".
"If you like this shit, wonderful! If not, well, I guess you think this is a football column, so you might think I'm being a trite asshole for posting this inane, sappy, shit. But you know what? You were wrong. This is Peter King's column, emphasis on Peter and King. So if you don't like it, fuck off. There's some football on page 1 (of 5), go read that if you want football."
So, why does Peter King think it's odd that Crennel lives in Manhattan? Is it because he's older?
Either this is some sort of "inside scoop" thing where you "really gotta know Romeo!" to get it, in which case this is pointless because we readers have no way of knowing Romeo Crennel's personality, or it's just that Peter King thinks he's cool enough to live in NYC, but Romeo isn't.
I'm just going to go ahead and presume that King is racist.
Wait...didn't Romeo Crennel come from the Parcells/Belichick coaching tree? And didn't that tree take root for the New York Giants? Who...OH MY GOD...play a few miles outside of Manhattan?!
From Wikipedia:
"After spending two seasons as an assistant with the New York Giants, Crennel became the special teams coach for seven seasons (1983–1989) and the defensive line coach for three seasons (1990–1992)."
I GUESS HE DID! If only Peter King had some sort of ken for things related to football, he might have known this.
You know what, Peter King? I get riled up when you tell me how to be a fan (a status/passtime which indirectly pays your fat ass, by the way). But now you're going to tell me (and everyone else) how to celebrate their child graduating from college? Seriously?
What a fucking asshole.
ATTENTION! EVERYONE! PETER KING MAY HAVE CRACKED THE CASE OF JUNIOR SEAU'S TRAGIC DEATH! HAS ANYONE LOOKED AT HIS FINANCES?!
Thanks, Peter. The authorities, family, and fiduciaries who's job and/or relationships require them to look into exactly that sort of thing would have missed this key piece of the puzzle. Hey, just a thought: Do you think he might have had any personal relationship problems that might have been a factor? Crazy, I know, but just throwing it out there. I'm not a fucking psychologist or nuthin.
Well done sir, well done.
The thing that I found most amusing was the two times where King wouldn't explain the rules of cricket ("It's too long to tell you, I'd end up spending two pages on it", "It would take me forever.") which leads me to believe that he has no clue as to what the game is about. Which is fine, completely fine because from what I understand it is an incredibly complicated game to figure out the first few times you watch it.
The least he could have done is admit the truth. It may humanize him a bit. And I think that's what's so frustrating about King (appropriate surname, BTW) is that he has these adventures that only certain people could afford but paints them in such a way that they're all everyday occurrences. And while he may think that this lowers him to the rank and file populous that read his tripe, it actually does the opposite. It lends an air of superiority that he doesn't posses, which leads people into thinking that he's an out-of-touch clod.
"Cricket? Don't worry your simple head about the rules of the game, let me describe to you what I was doing!"
"Oh, BTW W Hotel, you might think about blackout curtains on the penthouse, it gets pretty bright in your rooms at sunrise!"
"The Acela train is the only way to go. I just wish that they'd change the coffee grinds more than four times and hour and better enforce the no talking rules on the silent cars!"
The thing that I found most amusing was the two times where King wouldn't explain the rules of cricket ("It's too long to tell you, I'd end up spending two pages on it", "It would take me forever.") which leads me to believe that he has no clue as to what the game is about. Which is fine, completely fine because from what I understand it is an incredibly complicated game to figure out the first few times you watch it.
The least he could have done is admit the truth. It may humanize him a bit. And I think that's what's so frustrating about King (appropriate surname, BTW) is that he has these adventures that only certain people could afford but paints them in such a way that they're all everyday occurrences. And while he may think that this lowers him to the rank and file populous that read his tripe, it actually does the opposite. It lends an air of superiority that he doesn't posses, which leads people into thinking that he's an out-of-touch clod.
"Cricket? Don't worry your simple head about the rules of the game, let me describe to you what I was doing!"
"Oh, BTW W Hotel, you might think about blackout curtains on the penthouse, it gets pretty bright in your rooms at sunrise!"
"The Acela train is the only way to go. I just wish that they'd change the coffee grinds more than four times and hour and better enforce the no talking rules on the silent cars!"
"Hey everybody, one piece of advice: fuck your finances. Get the nicest thing possible. Who cares if you have to pay it off for the next ten years, or pass on the cost to your kids: GO FOR THE GUSTO! At least twice a year, you'll be glad you did. The other 363 days? Well....fuck it, right? You only live once!"
Oh, and hey, Peter, as a resident of Minnesota and someone who would like to go see a Vikes game without ticket prices being ridiculously expensive: Fuck You. Are you gonna shell out the extra 20% that roof would tack on to my ticket?
You know what's funny? "Young Adult" is a comedy. I saw it, it kind of sucked, but it wasn't depressing. I don't think PK understands movies. Or humor. At all.
Um. Actually....
http://www.myfoxdc.c...n-foreign-grass
http://www.abc.net.a...?site=newcastle
http://www.straitsti...ory_799133.html
I mean, I know PK just wanted to say 'hairy nosed wombat" because, like the mental midget he is, he thinks it's fun to say silly-sounding words that are only silly-sounding because your only knowlege of a particular culture is from a movie like "Crocodile Dundee."
Still, that's not enough for PK. PK effectively ridicules Australia for having a problem with an indiginous animal, and also ridicules the British paper for covering it (on a side note, does PK know that Australia was settled by the British? Honestly, I'd like to know). Using your own ignorance as a crutch for comedy is a refuge of the stupid. Not to mention, if an animal species that was indigenous to, and uniquely associated with, the United States (say, the moose, or rattlesnake) was suddenly dying, en masse, in a grotesque manner from unclear causes, it would be a fucking story. The fact that Peter King doesn't make this connection is just so fucking typical it makes my head hurt. Here's his logic "[reads article about thousands of wombats dying horrifically, largely to scientists' concern and confusion] HOO HOO! Wombat! What a funny little word. Oh gosh. What's a wombat!? I dunno. Who knows? Nobody! Wow. Those silly Australians. Jeez."
Anyway, meanwhile a major American news entity (CNN) has a guy running around posting information about a game played in England, and also quoting random people with funny names like Christopher "Douglas'' Bruno.
Not many other major news companies quoting Christopher "Douglas" Bruno, AMIRITE?
Ugh.
Just wanted to add that a lot if the things he said about Test cricket are true - the fun part is your great day w the people around you... And everyone does bring food for the group of randoms like cakes and cheeses etc.
Also it's not that hard to have explained to you, especially if you're already a baseball enthusiast. But it's pretty hard to explain without a game going in in front if you.
Still should have been a paragraph only.
Also it's not that hard to have explained to you, especially if you're already a baseball enthusiast. But it's pretty hard to explain without a game going in in front if you.
Still should have been a paragraph only.
Just to drag this thread off course...
You don't walk to work because it's a 20 minute walk? How the fuck do you get there?
I love reading leather's breakdowns every week. And I'm pretty sure it's ceviche, not cerviche, which King says at least twice.
Yes. He learned it at the cricket match while stuffing his pie-hole with cakes and warm, slightly carbonated beer.
I literally came here to comment on this quote. What a self-serving, thoughtless, world-blind idiot. He covers a game for a living, one in which adults sit in the stands and go absolutely berserk hundreds of times per game to cheer or deride complete and utter strangers.
Cheering because a stranger did something in a game? Great!
Cheering one of proudest moments in your son, daughter, sister or brother's life? SHUDDUP EN SIDDOWN!
Indeed, this smacks of the kind of classism and snobbery that rich people are so prone to. Why bother cheering when your kid graduates college? Obviously both of their parents must have done the same, and the people cheering must have started talking to financial advisors about their college planning funds from birth? Right? Right? Everyone is rich and white and grew up in northern New Jersey, right?
Good lord, doesn't he WANT to live in a society that celebrates academic fucking achievement?
"Too young to know what I'm talking about? Google "Eiffel Tower Paris.'' You'll see why millions of people every year get really excited to see a silly metal structure."
Dude, come on, get real. Its gauche!
This and the dumping on the cold person on the plane that wanted a blanket are currently my PK all time faves.
edit--the mere suggestion that there are people familiar with him and not the Beatles isn't too shabby on the comedy front either
Settle down. He thinks it's a new Starbucks size (one used for 72 ounces caramel frappucinos, I'd imagine).
Interviewer: "Peter King, what about The Beatles? Would you care to clarify your comments regarding The Beatles in your latest MMQB?"
King: "Well, you know, I'm bigger than The Beatles now."
Commence with the burning of MMQB printouts.
Dynomite really hit the cheering-at-graduation thing on the head. What I immediately though of, after reading that, was that during my law school graduation, the loudest family cheer, by far, was for my Sioux classmate who graduated. The reason being: most of her family and friends from the previous generation hadn't even graduated high school (and she herself had only gotten a GED) and the fact that their daughter/niece/cousin was graduating law school was a real symbolic victory for the whole family, and by extension their entire Indian community. It was sweet, and kind of amazing to behold, and probably the only time I felt happy to be sitting in a sweltering auditorium, horribly hungover, at 10 AM on a Saturday.
So, remembering that, I imagine a fat Peter King sitting next to them, with a sour puss on, because...because why, exactly? Because they aren't cheering for him, I guess.
EDIT: I mean, THINK ABOUT WHAT HE'S SAYING: that it's more important not to annoy the parents of the other kids in the stands, than it is for parents to support their own kid for graduating.
King: "Well, you know, I'm bigger than The Beatles now."
Commence with the burning of MMQB printouts.
Dynomite really hit the cheering-at-graduation thing on the head. What I immediately though of, after reading that, was that during my law school graduation, the loudest family cheer, by far, was for my Sioux classmate who graduated. The reason being: most of her family and friends from the previous generation hadn't even graduated high school (and she herself had only gotten a GED) and the fact that their daughter/niece/cousin was graduating law school was a real symbolic victory for the whole family, and by extension their entire Indian community. It was sweet, and kind of amazing to behold, and probably the only time I felt happy to be sitting in a sweltering auditorium, horribly hungover, at 10 AM on a Saturday.
So, remembering that, I imagine a fat Peter King sitting next to them, with a sour puss on, because...because why, exactly? Because they aren't cheering for him, I guess.
EDIT: I mean, THINK ABOUT WHAT HE'S SAYING: that it's more important not to annoy the parents of the other kids in the stands, than it is for parents to support their own kid for graduating.
This is the same man who put a note in his column every week, a column read by millions of people, about how his daughter's high school softball team was doing. Every single fucking week. CHEER MY SPAWN, AMERICA.
Yes, it's ceviche. Also describing it as "cold fish" is not doing it justice and kind of just wrong. Sushi is cold fish. Ceviche is marinated in citrus and so the acidity "cooks" the fish. Technically it's "cold fish" but describing it that way (and spelling it wrong) just reveals that he didn't really pay attention to like, what he was eating. Or spend 5 seconds looking it up.
"If you're one of those folks who just pulled out of a coma dating somewhere pre-1964, your first act of cognition to grab a laptop and read the first thing you stumble on--my columns!!--and are therefore confused at my Beatles reference, go ahead and check them out after you finish the column. They're pretty hip, and when you hear all the fuss pretty soon thereafter, tell 'em PK sent ya."
You forgot about the time where he bragged about stealing a foul ball from a kid at a Spring Training game.