1/23/2023 Celts @ Orlando: Welcome to the Amway Center. Let me share a sales opportunity with you.

Bernie Carbohydrate

Bernie Carbohydrate

writes the Semi-Fin
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Look, I'm not not promising you that with my system you can become a “direct sales powerhouse,” in fact I cannot not technically promise you anything. But if you come on down to Orlando for our Financial Freedom Seminar I can teach you how to be your own boss thanks to these high quality products!

And what will you find at the Amway Center? Well, besides visionary educational theories of the DeVos family, how about the opportunity to be an Orlando Magic Super Fan? You can, for a small fee, watch
  • Fultz snap pinpoint passes to players who blow the open layup.
  • A coach who is either competent but has been ordered to tank, or is incompetent and keeps his job because he contributes to the tank job even when he is trying to win. I think Mosely is a good coach, but he'll be as broken as Steve Clifford soon enough.
  • A dwindling jort-clad fanbase gape as Paolo Banchero is ruined by a bad team culture in an indifferent city.
  • Bol Bol put the franchise on his narrow shoulders.
  • Mo Bamba’s career get ruined as Bol Bol takes his minutes.
  • The old lady from New Jersey down here for the winter wearing a bootleg Rafer Alston jersey and vaping by the trash can.
Come on down to O-Town and I’ll set you up with a Distributor Kit and you can start recruiting downline. That’s where the wins are.
 
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Smokey Joe

Smokey Joe

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1,298
Bernie Carbohydrate said:
Look, I'm not not promising you that with my system you can become a “direct sales powerhouse,” in fact I cannot not technically promise you anything. But if you come on down to Orlando for our Financial Freedom Seminar I can teach you how to be your own boss thanks to these high quality products!

And what will you find at the Amway Center? Well, besides visionary educational theories of the DeVos family, how about the opportunity to be an Orlando Magic Super Fan? You can, for a small fee, watch
  • Fultz snap pinpoint passes to players who blow the open layup.
  • A coach who is either competent but has been ordered to tank, or is incompetent and keeps his job because he contributes to the tank job even when he is trying to win. I think Mosely is a good coach, but he’s be as broken as Steve Clifford soon enough.
  • A dwindling jort-clad fanbase gape as Paolo Banchero is ruined by a bad team culture in an indifferent city.
  • Bol Bol put the franchise on his narrow shoulders.
  • Mo Bamba’s career get ruined as Bol Bol takes his minutes.
  • The old lady from New Jersey down here for the winter wearing a bootleg Rafer Alston jersey and vaping by the trash can.
Come on down to O-Town and I’ll set you up with a Distributor Kit and you can start recruiting downline. That’s where the wins are.
Click to expand...
I think Mo Bamba’s career was ruined long before Bol Bol showed up.

Obliterate Orlando!
 
Ale Xander

Ale Xander

Hamilton
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Oct 31, 2013
80,726
Bernie Carbohydrate said:
Look, I'm not not promising you that with my system you can become a “direct sales powerhouse,” in fact I cannot not technically promise you anything. But if you come on down to Orlando for our Financial Freedom Seminar I can teach you how to be your own boss thanks to these high quality products!

And what will you find at the Amway Center? Well, besides visionary educational theories of the DeVos family, how about the opportunity to be an Orlando Magic Super Fan? You can, for a small fee, watch
  • Fultz snap pinpoint passes to players who blow the open layup.
  • A coach who is either competent but has been ordered to tank, or is incompetent and keeps his job because he contributes to the tank job even when he is trying to win. I think Mosely is a good coach, but he'll be as broken as Steve Clifford soon enough.
  • A dwindling jort-clad fanbase gape as Paolo Banchero is ruined by a bad team culture in an indifferent city.
  • Bol Bol put the franchise on his narrow shoulders.
  • Mo Bamba’s career get ruined as Bol Bol takes his minutes.
  • The old lady from New Jersey down here for the winter wearing a bootleg Rafer Alston jersey and vaping by the trash can.
Come on down to O-Town and I’ll set you up with a Distributor Kit and you can start recruiting downline. That’s where the wins are.
Click to expand...
This is a fantastic post that Rocco would be proud of.
 
InstaFace

InstaFace

The Ultimate One
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Sep 27, 2016
24,259
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Stupid Disney-ass singular-group-noun team name. Way to put fear in the hearts of your enemies. Look out guys, "the Magic" is coming for you. :eyeroll:

Obliviate Orlando!
 
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Bernie Carbohydrate

Bernie Carbohydrate

writes the Semi-Fin
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Oh ho.. over the the Port Cellar General Celtics Thread they are saying things like "the Orlando team isn't so bad" and that the "Magic have been playing well after a tough start" and "Banchero might be good."

Fuck that. This here is a Game Thread, and I Decalreth, as the Game Thread Starter, that round these parts the Orlando Magic have, do, and always will suck. It is their destiny.

Fran Vazquez? I'm not even here to discuss Fran Vazquez! I'm here to talk about washed, fat, slow, Patrick Ewing cashing one last check.

Grant Hill? Not their fault. Giving Bismack Biyombo a four-year, $72 million deal? That's on them. I just made fun of Biyombo a few game threads ago!

Nick Anderson missing his free throws? It happens. Dwayne Bacon being your go-to scorer after being tossed off the Hornets? That's NBA malpractice.

Losing Shaq? Inevitable. Spending the #5 pick on Super Mario Hezonja? Mario is now fighting for minutes with Guerschon Yabusele in the damn Euro League.

Look into the haunted eyes of Frank Vogel, a man who escaped Orlando like Steve McQueen bursting out of the tunnel at Stalag Luft III. He knows.

They suck. And if the Celtics lose tonight that will not change the fact that the Celtics are still the Celtics and the Magic are still the Magic. As the man said, "A fly, sir, may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but, one is but an insect, and the other is a horse still."
 
RSN Diaspora

RSN Diaspora

molests goats for comedy
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Jul 29, 2005
12,128
Washington, DC
Bernie Carbohydrate said:
Losing Shaq? Inevitable. Spending the #5 pick on Super Mario Hezonja? Mario is now fighting for minutes with Guerschon Yabusele in the damn Euro League.
Click to expand...
The idea that drafting and stashing Yabusele would've made a KD signing happen is still one of my biggest head-scratchers in what was otherwise a solid Celtics front-office career for Danny. Come to think of it, that entire draft was bizarre--Ben Simmons being the first of two terrible first overall picks from Philly (over BI and Jaylen), Dejounte Murray and Pascal Siakiam going late in the first, Brogdon slipping to the second round, and Fred VanVleet going undrafted.
 
Koufax

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I won't be able to watch the game tonight but I will review the game thread and if the quality of the posts comes close to the posts here so far, it will be a great read.
 
Smokey Joe

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1,298
I hear that Jonathan Issacs might be activated for this game. This will cause much consternation in Zion Williamsons camp because he is the one NBA player that makes Williamson look like an iron man.

Mangle the Magic
 
bigq

bigq

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Jul 15, 2005
11,789
White and PP are going to get a lot of minutes tonight. Wonder if JD Davison makes an appearance. Make a mess of the Magic!
 
MyDaughterLovesTomGordon

MyDaughterLovesTomGordon

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Jun 26, 2006
15,061
bigq said:
White and PP are going to get a lot of minutes tonight. Wonder if JD Davison makes an appearance. Make a mess of the Magic!
Click to expand...
If would be kind of funny if he did, since just played back-to-back games against the Lakeland Magic, so he'd play the Magic three days in a row.
 
InstaFace

InstaFace

The Ultimate One
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Sep 27, 2016
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Pittsburgh, PA
I will never forgive the Dwight Howard / Jameer Nelson / Rashard Lewis 2008-09 Magic team for knocking out the KG-less defending champ Celtics. Fucking Marcin Gortat? As a rookie?!

Thank fucking God we came back the next year with a full roster and plowed right through them, in what should've been a sweep.
 
Light-Tower-Power

Light-Tower-Power

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Jun 14, 2013
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InstaFace said:
I will never forgive the Dwight Howard / Jameer Nelson / Rashard Lewis 2008-09 Magic team for knocking out the KG-less defending champ Celtics. Fucking Marcin Gortat? As a rookie?!

Thank fucking God we came back the next year with a full roster and plowed right through them, in what should've been a sweep.
Click to expand...
All I can remember is Hedo friggen Turkoglu at the top of my lead pipe list.
 
Reverend

Reverend

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Watching NBA games and English Premier games in the same week really fucks me up. I turn in a little too early for every basketball game and a little late for every soccer games.
 
Spelunker

Spelunker

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Jul 17, 2005
13,320
The TV League Pass app is extra stuttery for me today. It actually almost makes me nauseated to watch.
 
128

128

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This feels a lot like the C's games against the Pistons last season. For whatever reason, Orlando has Boston's number.
 
Imbricus

Imbricus

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That was fugly. Hauser somehow takes the worst looking shot he can after catching the ball about a foot from the basket.
 
Spelunker

Spelunker

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Kornet, Pritch, and Hauser all out there at the same time: it looks like the late 80s C's.
 
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