This is fucking awful. I can't believe that any level of impartiality went into this report whatsoever. Imagine the conversations.
Coach: "And get this, the Pats steal our play sheets that show our plays."
Likely response:
ESPN: "Wow, really?"
Coach: "All the time. That's why we made up dummy sheets. To trick them!"
ESPN: "*under breath* Oh man, the clicks this is going to get. *Normal voice* How terrible! Go on..."
Actual journalist response
ESPN: "Wow, that's serious. Do you have any proof?"
Coach: "No, but we totally knew it was going on whenever we went in there."
ESPN: "So, it happened multiple times. Did you do anything to try and make sure it didn't happen?"
Coach: "Yeah, dummy sheets! To mess them up real good."
ESPN: "Yeah, but I mean like... Cameras? Counting your sheets and collecting them before you left the locker room? Not giving them out in the locker room? Having an employee watch the locker room to make sure that nobody messed with your sheets? Something that could give you some proof to take to the league?"
Coach: "No, no, that wouldn't have worked. We're talking about guys who are so good at cheating, despite us KNOWING they totally do, and expecting it every time, we never see them actually do it, and they totally still do! Otherwise how would we lose to them? I mean, they have to cheat to win!"