All test match cricket is tailored to home, which is why any overseas win by a touring country is such a monumental victory. Whether it's the shitty cracked cement of india or the soft muddy slop of england, the lively zest of Australia or the capitulant green of New Zealand, players grow up playing, training and learning on their own wickets.
Australia could have won this series, it was never impossible. But they haven't and at least now we'll get a clean out.
Our fast bowling is fucking tops. No doubt about that, now and into the future. Johnson, Starc, Hazelwood, Pattinson and a lot of other dudes who all look alot like Starc did 5 years - too young, too scared, too unpolished - are lining up to rival the great fast bowlin battle for spots that we've always been known for.
Our spin is fucking shit, it's been fucking shit since Warne and Magilla, it's not going to stop being fucking shit and the fact it's fucking shit has a pretty demonstrable effect on our batsmen who can't play fucking spin because the spinners they play against are fucking shit.
Our bats are shit, and that doesn't look likely to change. Warner's one of those players you carry for the time every now and again he destroys the new ball, both openers and their mums and lets the middle order bat with 100 on the board and no pressure. That's cool; with someone like Rogers by his side you're ok to carry someone like that. But Rogers won't be by his side anymore and when you lose consistency you start to notice how many 2 over 0-20 run digs Warner has and you cry. Steve Smith's a world class bat, and then you're done.
But the big issue with Australian cricket is the fact they're all monumental pieces of shit. With the exception of maybe - maybe - Steve Smith, every veteran player on the current team is a class A fuckwit.
Chris Rogers punches orphans and sells his tickets to buy tobacco induced facial cream he hopes won't push him over the edge of intoxication mid-innings.
David Warner punches Joe Root, which is good, but he is a racist rootrat thug from Little Bay with a big house, a big head and no idea.
Steve Smith is rad.
Michaal Clarke is a whiny, oversensitive, precious egotist whose greatest contribution to world cricket apart from that 330-odd not-out I saw at Sydney a few years ago and all those other runs was to give his throat to Simon Katich as a place to rest his weary kung fu gripped fist.
Smarsh and Mmarsh, the brat twins, are nouveau rich brats of cricket whose dad - a national selector - is a national fucking selector. They're horrible people who delight in kicking puppies and getting their dad to make the puppies apologise. And they're shit at cricket.
Adam Voges once got noticed in the dressing room by other players.
Shane Watson is literally the worst human being on the planet who has as many test tonnes as Marcus North except they all came against Bangladesh or Pakistan in the series we know the whole Pakistani team was taking money.
Brad Haddin is a racist asshole, one of those racist asshole who says "i'm not racist, I say horrible things about people's race to EVERY opposing batsmen, not just the ones from India and the West Indies and New Zealand". His daughter's sick though which is admittedly heart breaking for all.
Mitchell Johnson is a psychotic, tempermental fuckwit who only got good when he finally bought into his own hype which is cool because he's pretty good, especially on Australian pitches, but bad because he's also totally bought into the idea that he's super badass and not actually just a complete wanker.
Mitchell Starc used to be a kid trying to get a spot, now he's a pretty good bowler who adores, reveres and emulates Mitchell Johnson but unfortunately not just in style but also in being a complete asshole.
Josh Hazlewood's cool.
Nathan Lyon is a little ratty rat faced rattyman who turns up every week, gets smashed, takes a couple wickets and by virtue of being the least shit 'spinner' has more wickets than just about anyone which is exactly how he acts in the dressing room where he just laughs all rat-like at every sexist joke about racist minorities that David Warner makes before saying "GOOD ONE DAVEY, CAN I GET YOU ANOTHER BEER MATE" and then getting punched in the face by Warner who then farts on him and makes a joke about gay people.
Peter Siddle became a vegetarian to make up for being from Victoria but it hasn't worked because he still proudly wears a flavour saver badge of honour as if to say "look out world, you can take me out of Melbourne but you can't take being a fuckwit from Melbourne out of me".
And all of this is generated from the top by a man whose greatest virtue was not being the biggest fuckwit on the Australian team when he played but only because he played with Mathew HAYDOS! Hayden and Justin 'no brain activity' Langer in BOOF Lehman.
His name is Boof.
So, yeah. Australian cricket. I love cricket so much. I love Australia and I love watching Australia play cricket. The cognitive dissonance in sport between 'I like Australia but everyone on the Australian team except the guys you don't get to know because they're just gonna be shot by the Victor Charlie's tomorrow anyway' has never been more relevant. Apart from Smithy - a guy whose greatest joy in life is apparently greyhound racing and potential for future dickhead factor is high - we're in serious trouble.
But yeah, I'm still going to Hobart to watch us play the Kiwis and will keep lining up to run the Paddington Gift from 3.30am every day of the Sydney Test. Because fuck you guys, at least I'm not from England.
