Four score and seven years ago, the Washington Capitals didn’t exist because they’re a fucking stupid expansion team. Founded by the great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of a guy who knew George Washington’s cobbler through his one-eared apprentice, they watched The Patriot once and decided to model their team after the late Colonel William Tavington. Or maybe they watched The Bachelor and then brought Chad in as a motivational speaker. I can’t remember. Either way, they look pretty in their red uniforms that don’t hide their lizard blood, but ultimately, this a team built on lies.
”The Capitals have a sick offense!”
Lies.
”The Capitals goalies are so hard to get pucks past!”
Lies.
”The Capitals are the Bruins kryptonite.”
Lies.
”The Capitals are a bunch of cheap-shot artists who are aging and seeing their bodies break down and can barely muster enough offense without their power play to even appear dangerous, and even though I love TJ Oshie for his Olympics heroics, there is no sweeter sound that that of his tears falling on ice in May.”
Truth.
In Independence Day, featuring Jeff Goldblum as Jeff Goldblum, Will Smith cries, “JIMMY NO,” when his best friend Jimmy who thinks it’s a bad idea for him to propose to Jasmine with a ring made of gold dophins has his plane blown up by invading aliens. Smith wanders the rest of the movie friendless, eventually culminating in a bonding session with Goldblum where Goldblum learns how to smoke tobacco after infecting the alien mothership with ransomware and demanding four dogecoins to open their gasoline pipeline back up.
But the Bruins goal-scoring pipeline has been wide open since the acquisition of Curtis Lazar from Buffalo, along with the thrown-in Taylor Hall. If you can’t find the puck on your screen tonight, it’s because it’s in the Capitals net since their goalies are jokes.
But enough with the jokes. This Bruins team is fucking loaded. Brad Marchand is playing the best hockey of his career. David Krejci is playing the best hockey of his career. Taylor Hall is playing the best hockey of his career. Charlie McAvoy is playing the best hockey of his career. Patrice Bergeron always plays the best hockey of his career. David Pastrnak hasn’t even gotten going yet. And the Bruins fucking C-team almost destroyed the Capitals A-team earlier this week. So let’s dispense with the pleasantries at this point.
Fuck Tom Wilson.