Mabrowndog's Quote-A-Rama
From SoSH
The Best, Worst and most Disgusting quotes from this bustling metropolis: (compiled by BrownDog)
New and Improved!!! Now with Skrub-isms!!!
Contents |
Motivating Thoughts
“I just watched the Cowboy Up DVD through the ALDS, which I shall refer to hereafter as ‘the end.’ It is on. It is on like it has never been on before. It is on like Yogi Bear who, upon waking up from his hibernation, sees a pickinick basket at his bedside. It is on like Gene Conley with ten million frequent flier miles. It is on like Dan Duquette and the word ‘revisit’ It is on like Oil Can Boyd discovering P&G It is so on you can't remember it ever being off. This aint 2004, it's 2003 Part Two: The Asskicking” – HolmesSmarterBrother (in the 2004 SoSH Bash thread)
“If the Red Sox face the MFY in the playoffs this year - the Red Sox are going to win the series. Somebody put that in their sig line and keep it there until the Sox finish those motherscratchers off. Mark my words - The Red Sox can and will beat them and send them home losers this year.” -- Punchado (9/25/04)
"By the time October gets here we'll all probably be looking like extras in Braveheart." - DLewOnRoids
“Why not us? There is no reason the last team standing can't be us, you know it, we know it. Now is the time to go out and prove to ourselves, the fans, the game, how good of a team we are. If 25 guys believe that what we are after is the most important thing in their lives for 4 weeks, there is nothing that can't be done. Figured I may as well start one game thread this year, considering that coming in here and reading them is sometimes more entertaining than any movie you could see, and often times more entertaining than the game itself.” – Gehrig38 (10/4/04)
“If ANY of you see a member of this RS team in a bar or resturaunt there should be fist-fights over which fan gets to pay the tab.” – Punchado (11/6/04)
“I will not be moved by protests from Yankee fans about how we scarred their kids and ruined their Xmas--too effing bad. Welcome to my first 30 years of life, asshats.” – Pedros Hairstylist
“I want Favreauk to start my game threads next year, nuff said.” – Gehrig38
"I would pay scalpers' money right now to watch the Sox play in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart with a broom handle and a tennis ball." - OilCanShotTupac (during the 2004 off-season)
“SoSH Bash Checklist:
- Sunglasses: check
- Sox hat for balding pate: check
- Sunscreen: check
- Drinking shoes: check
- Singles for Nip's Mom: check
- AAA bail bond coupons (3): check
- Sharpie to autograph SoShette wet tshirts : check
- Pregame furious masturbation:
- (Pause)
- (Pause)
- (Pause)
- (Pause) Check
- Oblivion inducing wad of drinking cash: check
- Better Judgement: Left at home” - Doug Beerabelli (in the 2004 SoSH Bash thread)
"Take your f'ing base" sounds just fine to me, especially when served with a mitt omelet” – FredCDobbs (on the ARod/Tek donnybrook)
"Within 5 minutes of the end of the Mueller/Fruitbat game, my wife blew me, and then we went out for steak." - soxfaninyankeeland (in the 'I Told Him, In Choice Words, To Get To First Base' thread)
"There's little better in the schadenfruede department than hearing Mike or a Yankee caller talk about Ortiz and hearing the utter defeat, resignation, and bitterness in their voice." - FredCDobbs (in The Ongoing Mike and the Mad Dog Thread)
"You can put your finger on it: the buzz started with Yaz's catch. That was the birth of Red Sox Nation as we know it. Red Sox baseball was not like that before, and it has never changed since that moment. It all changed, almost on a dime. All starting from a "Tree-mend-duss" catch. The first REM sleep of the Impossible Dream." - Carroll Hardy (in the Greatest Sox Catches thread)
"So today, a full 18 months after I mailed it (with postage paid return envelope) to San Diego, what shows up in my mailbox but a photo of The Steal, neatly signed in black Sharpie by "David Roberts 31."
Damn. So in that Sportsline story from this summer that's linked about 10 pages back, when Roberts was talking about the flood of Sox mail he still gets -- "But I enjoy every bit of it. I hope they can be patient, because I'm getting to it." -- he meant it." - Warning Track Speed (11/4/06 in the I Mean He Was Safe By Like A Foot thread)
"I want the Patriots to be hated, because I know from being a Red Sox fan that harbored hatred is a constant reminder of one's own inferiority. I want all the non-Patriot and non-Red Sox fans to have to bathe in the stink of their own inferiority for the rest of their lives, and then die feeling unfulfilled. That is what I want." - Maalox (in the Are the Pats the Most Hated Team of All Time? thread)
Classic Exchanges
"One thing I thought would be very cool would be to have a DVD of very game of the season condensed to remove everything like visits to the mound, pick off throws etc. not important to the outcome of the game" - URISoxFan (discussing a possible post-2003 DVD set)
"I firmly disagree with your feeling that visits to the mound are not important to the outcome of games." - johnmd20 (responding to URISoxFan)
Red Sox Auction Site: “Nomar Garciaparra Upperdeck Collections framed photo with baseball piece from hit during 2000 big game challenge”
SpikeMyOwen:: "I bet it was a pop-up."
Yaz4Ever: "On the first pitch."
"I have chanted 'Yankees Suck' all around the world, at weddings, on ski slopes, in intimate moments with nubile young women, at funerals, wherever. It is the all-purpose chant. Gotta love it." -- RBGYB
"I hate the 'Yankees Suck' chant. However, sir, I defend to the death your right to chant it. If we outlaw 'Yankees Suck' chant, then only outlaws will chant 'Yankees Suck' " -- URISoxFan
"What percentage of those sweater meats does she lose along with the 15 lbs?" - Boatswain (on Charlotte Church, after it was suggested she lose weight)
"Sweater meats has just replaced fun bags as my favorite tit reference." - HenryDog (responding to Boatswain's Charlotte Church post)
"I know that many European soccer clubs let supporters scattered loved ones ashes on their grounds. As for the effect on the grass, I suspect it's probably minimal. Certainly no worse than having a fricken Springsteen concert during a pennant race." -- Spacemans Bong (in the Fenway Park Regs thread, when happybooker99 inquired about scattering ashes at Fenway)
"I'm sure the groundskeepers would be absolutely thilled to inhale pulverized, incinerated flesh and bone matter on a daily basis. I can just see them drawing straws to see who has to run the leaf blower." - MABrownDog (in the Fenway Park Regs thread)
"You may not win a wet t-shirt contest Frat, but you would definitely win a "covered in Mazola dancing suggestively in my bedroom" contest." - RBYB (to Fratboy in the SoSH Bash Pics 2006 thread)
"Wesson's how I roll." - Fratboy (responding to Yammer)
"If you were trapped in a small room with Kay and Hawk while they were both calling a game, and you had a gun with one bullet, who would you shoot?" - glennhoffmania (in the 7/9/06 Game thread)
"Myself" - ookami7m (responding to glennhoffmania)
"When Hazel appears in the studio wearing one of those uncomfortable looking business suits, my wife asks why there isn't a stripper pole on the set and guesses that Hazel is wearing a Hooter's cutoff tee-shirt under her jacket." - Chemistry Schmemistry (in the Extension For Hazel Mae thread)
"Putting Hazel Mae in a business suit is like using Alex Gonzalez as your DH." - Shoeless Joe
"I'm shocked that JackLamabe was beat to this thread." - RBYB (in the R.I.P. Denise Quickenton thread. Seven months pregnant, she collapsed at Fenway 7/30/06 and later died but her baby boy was saved)
"Would he have titled it: 'Have it for...?' " - DannyHeep
"God wanted an abortion. He just missed by about a foot." - URISoxFan
"With a name like Coconut at least you would have saved some dough on the neutering. Naming a dog "Coconut" would probably make its penis spontaneously fall off." - AlNipper49 (after JMOH euthanized Dave the puppy, which his wife wanted to name Coconut)
"That happens with the name 'Byron' as well." - DannyHeep
"Glad i'm not part of all those jinx threads over that 'sosh', some real winners, let's guess the red sox record the rest of the way? Nice job on that one, talk about jinxing the rest of a season." - SpikeMyOwen (starting a 'Wow' thread on the old EZ-Board site, 8/11/06)
"So 'glad you're not part of it' that you're going onto a board that's been closed for over a year to tell everyone how glad you are that you're not part of it." - NortheasternPJ (8/17/06)
"The real benefit of marriage is that it effectively ends your sex life, allowing you to focus on other things." - Carbo Copy (in the Official SoSH Divorce Pool thread, 4/13/07)
"Like message boarding." - LawTown Fool
The Best of the Best
"I can think of a few things I could use him for. Reenacting the "Stuck in the Middle With You" scene in "Reservoir Dogs", for one... " -- Kiss My Aase (when Grady was up for auction on Ebay)
"You shouldn't stand around in a national anthem. You should be marching. Regime changing. Something." - Bernie Carbohydrate
"My scrotum bled for a good hour" - redrum (describing his misfortune at trying to, ummm, groom himself)
"biggiantpencill, you are Eggs" -- phildumatrait (in his stunning transformation from informative poster about the minor leagues to self-plagiarizing madman)
"Dolo, was the last time before or after the Pats won the Super Bowl, because that would be great if they won two in the interim." - URISoxFan (on Dolomite133's two-year drought)
“I hope someday you come back to the Red Sox, but wherever you end up, I'll always be happy to buy you a domestic beer or go halfsies with you on a pizza or something.” – Johnny Wayback (on the non-tendering of Lenny Dinardo, 12/20/04)
“We are a small subculture of SoSH, we Carbos, with our own ways and customs -- like Kurds or the Cherokee, or people from Weymouth. I'm not sure this interloper understands our traditions and beliefs. LJ should really run all new Carbo-derived posters by us for approval; otherwise I fear we risk diluting that which makes us special. Unchecked, the cheapening of Carbonian ideals will lead us to being as lowly-regarded as posters who use ‘Pedro’ in their screen-names, or worse, ‘Manny’ “ – Bernie Carbohydrate
"My gonads are sweaty with anticipation of sexual delight." - Maalox
“Baseball doesn’t have any weather names, but they should. When they move the Expos, I hope the call them the Washington 70 percent Chance of precipitations. That would be awesome.” – Jose Melendez
"Telling a girl that you have ten of thousands of posts about baseball scattered over the internet, that you are the imaginary GM of an imaginary simulation team, and that you sometimes stay up to 3 in the morning obsessing over obscure players that have been non-tendered and might end up on a minor league affiliate she probably doesn't know from a hole in the wall isn't exactly a point in your favor when you're trying to bed them." - mt8thsw9th (in his 2007 Bash Pics thread)
"When (if) she experienced my throbbing meatstick, the blinding light of orgasm would wipe her mind clean and she would be my tabula rasa. The result would be a Jeter-hating, hockey-loving Sox fan who believes that my semen is the elixir of eternal youth." - Maalox (on CNN anchor Rudi Bakhtiar)
"I would drag my balls along twenty miles of broken glass just to kiss the tire tracks of the truck that took her panties to the cleaners." - Mr Weebles (on the luscious Bipasha Basu in the Bollywood Hotties thread)
"Anyone who booed him is an ass. To me it compares to the British people jeering Churchill towards the end of WW2. Granted preventing the Nazis from ruling the world pales in importance in comparison to handing the Yankees an epic asskicking, but the comparison is valid." -- reggiecleveland (on Keith Foulke)
"This is like the start of a bad joke. 'A Mexican, a Jew and a retard walk into a bar....' " - Mr. Weebles (after Frisbetarian and URISoxFan were promoted to Dope, and richard became a P&G moderator, 10/1/07)
Game Thread Greatness
(NOTE - UNDER CONSTRUCTION - STAY TUNED)
"Pedro leaves more guys on third base than my girl friend in high school" - Boxos (4/20/05, Pedro vs TOR)
"Halliday left the game. He heard some Amish farmer was coming to get his beard back." - Nuf Ced (4/20/05, Pedro vs TOR)
"Morgan Freeman could play Contreras in the movie, except that Freeman is too young." - E5 Yaz (7/9/06 vs White Sox)
Haiku, Poetry, and Flowing Prose
"elimination day has arrived
- what we could not surmise
- of the truncated suns of august loss,
- would arise
- as such auspicious waves of tidal october
- whilst the yankees fell asunder
- and at such a cost
- the hinder hides of winter will unclaim
- the broadsides asplinter
- without a totality
- unbeknownst to the most fervent believer
- the litters are raised
- the place has been made
- for monument park
- will witness no such solitude
- whilst the tigers resume" - djshecky (in the Happy Yankee Elimination Day thread, 10/9/06)
"Whoa, dude. Pass the pipe." - staz (in the Happy Yankee Elimination Day thread, 10/9/06)
"Sizemore rounding third
Here's Damon's throw to the plate
Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce" - jmcc5400 (in the Happy Yankee Elimination Day thread, 10/9/07)
"Hours after their
Joyous humiliation,
I am still erect." - Maalox (in the Happy Yankee Elimination Day thread, 10/9/07)
"bugs like to eat shit
bugs like to eat Joba, too
Joba: piece of shit" - 86Spike (in the Happy Yankee Elimination Day thread, 10/9/07)
"One new Joba rule
Must spray stinky cunt with deet
Or else Joba blows" - Bucknahs Bum Ankle (in the Happy Yankee Elimination Day thread, 10/9/07)
"Giambi: no ring
Alex Rodriguez: no ring
Mussina: no ring" - OilCalShotTupac (in the Happy Yankee Elimination Day thread, 10/9/07)
"There once was a pitcher named Wang
His record? Deceptively strong
He was not at his best
On a mere three days’ rest
Turns out Torre’s decision was wrong.
To the ALCS Cleveland’s cruisin’
In October the Yanks keep on losin’
The word from The Boss
Torre’s fired for this loss
How you like Roger Clemens now, Suzyn?" - mourning woodward jr. (in the Happy Yankee Elimination Day thread, 10/9/07)
Epic Rants, Whines and Pissy Tirades
"May ALLAH load all your foreskins with Habanera pepper juice." -- RedSoxStiff
"In all seriousness, I'd rather have a @#%$ who has the balls to hold an opinion than another fanboy looking to give Schilling the reacharound." - AlNipper49
"I'm sitting here watching the Patriots and they just ooze preparedness like it's some sort of BO and all I can think is that this cocksucking dickfur didn't have a hitters meeting before the Oakland series." -- Holmes Smarter Brother (on Grady)
"Well, it's too late, anti-war loser. We've got our war now and you can't stop us. And we'll get the next war too, because peace is for homos." - Maalox
"I would rather see the Sox send in a dwarf, to stand at home plate holding the ball on a tee for the opposing hitter, than see Bobby Jones pitch in a Sox uni again." - OilCanShotTupac
"Wow. That's the gayest thing I've ever read. Individual roses with meaningful words on them? Learning to play a love song on the trumpet??? Did he hand her his balls, too?" – Mr. Weebles (expressing his disgust at a story about some guy Jneen knows)
"My post was ridiculously funny. I demand that it gets more attention." - Rick Burlesons Global Yam Bag
"The only thing worse than the soft whiners who complain about tubgirl are the super soft VG girly ultra whiners who complain about the peope who complain about tubgirl." - MainerInExile
"Steffi Graf has a face that sometimes looks like it should be regurgitating food to its young." - Carlos Cowart
"When shitstains come home from work and pick up their little shitstain kids toys in the yard, they step in piles of Grady Little and Jimy Williams. I think the difference is that Jimy Williams is runny and has corn in it." - Rasputin (still ruminating on Grady's failure to defend against Ramon Hernandez's game-winning bunt single that beat the Sox in the 12th inning of ALDS Game 1 in 2003)
"Are you all 9 yrs old? This is fucking lame." - PhilNevin23 (in the thread counting up to 90 wins -- and his extermination as a SoSH member -- after the magic number reached 4)
Ultimate Insults
"My dear Sir, I have had the pleasure of meeting you and being generously served a drink or two at the Frisbitarian Palace...I must conclude that the tequila residue has caused a flash back...in fact your cranium is so deeply lodged in your anal cavity that someone near and dear to you will have to insert a miner's lamp to help guide the extraction." - Stiffy (responding to DLewOnRoids in the Sports vs Music thread)
"Your stupidity is biblical in scope and size." - Mr. Weebles (in TJP's So I Got a Job Offer Last Friday thread)
"Ferry is listed as the chief songwriter, cunteyes. Go ruin someone else's thread. Admittedly, I don't know my Roxy beyond Siren, but a quick GS showed that Ferry did indeed play guitar on the forgettable Flesh + Blood. So in closing, shut the fuck up." - LawtownFool (in the Awesome Moments From Various Songs thread, responding to Monbo Jumbo's claim that Brian Ferry never played a lick of guitar)
"Okay, 'never fails to disappoint' means (by my understanding of the English language) the he disappoints. Never fails = double negative = always succeeds to disappoint. Put 'er this way... When I say that Cabrera Era never fails to suck as a poster, it's not a compliment." - Damonsdame18
"Please try not to suck so much. I know there's not much time to post, what with the effort you have to put into massaging her feet, picking up her dry cleaning, and making her breakfast in bed, but that just makes the posts you can put up that much more special." - DLewOnRoids (responding to 5belongstoGeorge's taunt)
"Fuck you Nip was played out long before I got here, and that was long ago. It should be relegated to the back spaces of your minds where you store such chestnuts as "pics" and "point, shark", the part of your mind that sends stabbing pains throughout your body when you try to access it. It is old, it is stupid, 90% of the people using it have no idea what it refers to, and using it does not make you cool. Stiffy uses it, but Stiffy is unintelligible and most definitely not cool, but at least he is uncool in a cool way that only an old fart can be. You are young, you are stupid (sorry for the redundancy, but the young don't understand), and you are most definitely not cool." - CarboCopy (to WakefieldFan in Nip's ill-timed Discuss the Upcoming Sweep of the Marlins thread)
“It's like someone took Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, put it in a blender with Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy then strained out all the humor and insight leaving nothing but bafflement and pretension.” – Holmes Smarter Brother (on Ted Garciaparra)
“Florida is a godforsaken cesspool if you're not standing on a piece of dirt from which you can see the Gulf, the Atlantic, or baseball in March.” – PhillySoxFan (after CHB dissed Citrus County in his 2/17/03 Globe column, prompting a local outcry)
"Wow, Yammer. I didn't know you were a fisherman. I have a newfound respect for you. Your mom's still a whore, though." -- Mr. Weebles
"Wow. BU and Lehigh. Your parents must be the king and queen of the safety school oligarchy" - RBYB (after BU1995Hockey divulged where his sister attends college)
"Your particular strain of stupid may be so virulent it is contagious." - RBYB (after BU1995Hockey noted that he left Brown U. for Boston U.)
"Seriously, you are Planet Pussy from the Vagina Galaxy and all other pussies orbit around you." - Mr. Weebles
"You have someone pinked? This is like Tommy John performing tendon transfer surgery on someone else." - The Allented Mr. Ripley (to Lucen, who announced he was removing Tom Ricardo from his ignore list)
"One of the lines CHB failed to put into the article he wrote a few weeks back was me, on the phone, calling him an asshole. He knows as sure as he's reading this right now that I think he's a giant sphincter." - Gehrig38 (2/23/07 in his contract thread)
"The shallowness of your intellect has been well established here. You have no standing to smirk at anyone ... I am brilliant. In fact I am almost as smart as Eric Van. My humiliation of you is merely a byproduct of what for me, is a casual interaction. Genius flows from me effortlessly, like piss from an infant." - Maalox (to Rasputin, in the Flying Spaghetti Monster thread)
Sage Wisdom
"The second largest tactical errors I've seen are by those who sit on their duff rather than trying to make things happen. The largest occur when you move forward regardless - "go for it" simply because of momentum, effort invested, impatience and potential disappointment." - JohnWHenry (post-2003)
"Repeating points is pretty much all we have in the winter" -- PhillySoxFan
"Drinking Coors Light is like making love in a canoe." -- MontanaFan
"Quinnipiac is an Indian word. It means 'slow learner', or 'he that did not get into UConn'..." -- FelixMantilla
"Regular sex begets confidence, and confidence begets more regular sex, but with hotter chicks. So I have resolved, in the wake of a long relationship and ensuing sexual dry spell, to start bringing some waiver wire material, as it were. This may be crude, but I think it reflects a basic fact about the male psyche - that we're assholes." -- Maalox
"It is about time that someone realized that every single thing that I post is pure crap." - RBYB (in the Daily Fin thread)
"Low-rider jeans are the greatest invention since stripper poles" - AlNipper49
“I like the smorgasboard that is P&G. It's a beautiful clusterfvck of nonsense.” – Cosox (in Eric Van’s “Should P&G be split up?” thread)
"Do not marry a woman who thinks somebody did her mother dirty." - William Robertson (in the Marriage thread)
"Agents are the ONLY people in baseball that take from the game, and give nothing back." - Gehrig38
"Being a captain of the Texas Rangers is the equivalent of being the general of the Aruban army..." - FrenMoney (on ARod)
"In my reality, a vagina is it's own ecosystem. Nothing else matters." - Mr. Weebles
“Speaking of pizza, George Bush is an asshole." – Carlos Cowart
“You oughta hit CTRL-ALT-DIVORCE. That'll take care of your problem.” – Weebs in the ‘So my wife deleted my porn’ thread
"If more Irishmen modeled themselves after James Joyce instead of nimrod turn-of-the-century Fennians we would be the world's greatest power; famed for our ability to talk our way out of any conflict and into anyone's pants." - RBGYB
"A Dirty Sanchez is not offensive. Wiping your dick on the drapes is offensive." - 5belongstoGeorge (in the Hey Tom Ricardo! thread)
"Speculation is a varsity sport on this board." – InstantKarmma
“It's this 25 posters, 25 threads mentality. It's got to change.” - DirtyNine
"A good cigar is a smoke but rancor goes right to the bone." – Stiffy
“Focus on the game, when that gets here, focus on the pitch, out, innings, one at a time. When that's all over, get hammered and do the stupid things people here are supposed to do, whatever that is. Until then, let's refrain from acting like ass clowns...” – Gehrig38 (after the tragic death of Victoria Snelgrove)
“One of my life mottos is that everybody loves the guy (or gal) carrying around a champagne bottle.” – RBGYB
“No offense, but if you actually believe your nakedness should divert our attention from great pizza, you underestimate us. (Well, some of us anyway.) You're...what? A thousand miles away and attached? The knowledge that you happen to sleep naked, while interesting, does me no practical good. By contrast, I can have a hot pizza at my office door in 30 minutes.” – Maalox (to Madison33)
“I have it on good reports that the chatroom gathers assholes by the barrel...” – Stiffy
"SoSH is indeed a dark and morbid bastion of creativity." - MABrownDog
"THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR PORN" - AlNipper49
"We exist for two reasons, to put our cocks in women and to follow the Red Sox. Everything else is just filler." - ShaneTrot (in Xnought's Got Laid thread)
"I just want to live and die with the least amount of effort" - AlNipper49 (in the Tell Me The Right Amount Of Pissed-Off To Get thread)
"P&G is the ACELLA Express train to hell" - doldmoose34 (in the Emma Watson jailbait thread)
"SoSH is the body building protein to WEEI's trans-fat, The Globe's cholesterol, and sports talk's empty calories." - XNOUGHT (in Bellyofthebeast's "enthusiasm" thread)
"Always have a cheap bottle of whisky for people not worthy of the single malt. Thats sounds mean. You can suck ma todger but here's a nip of the low flyer." - fletcherpost (after mt8thsw9th's ex-girlfriend gave him a hummer and then drank half his bottle of The Glenlivet)
"If there was no reward for whoring the world would be bereft of whores. Who in their right mind objects to whores?" - jayhoz (in the Ashley Alexander Dupre Bikini Pic thread)
"Remember, no matter how hot a woman is, there is a man somewhere sick of her shit." - WoburnDiaspora (in the Christie Brinkley thread)
"It just seems like a cesspool of logical fallacies and irony, and it's somewhat imposing to try to break the party-line garbage to introduce the new blood that might actually enliven the place and end the histrionic cycle." - Alcohol&Overcalls (on why he refrains from posting in the Views & News forum)
Memorable Tidbits
"Wait, SOSH isn't dedicated to Sam Horn? That's it. I'm outta here." -- Devizier
"I've seen more rational discourse smeared in feces on the walls of the baboon house at Franklin Park Zoo." - Jneen (on the Jeff Jacobs Hartford Courant article bashing GodSamGod)
"I still remember Eddie Johnston blowing a lead to the Canadiens in the second game at the Garden. You could've driven a bus through his pads that night." -- Dalton Jones (on the ’71 Bruins)
"A Jason Bere imposter?? How much lower can you get?" -- Andy Tomberlin (when someone claiming to be Jason Bere popped into chat)
"Ok, one last thing, and it's a no-brainer: Bear beats the dog shit outta shark any day. Sharks are stupid, they eat, they swim, they eat, they swim, the don't stinking sleep and they reproduce at an almost asexual rate. Bears are cunning, bad ass looking, and they are smart enough to take what I would consider a legitimate nap. If I could sleep from game 7 of the World Series to opening day I would, wouldn't you? Whatever tactic a shark took, bear standing on rock or not, the bear would figure it out, and kick his ass. Bear, in a landslide." -- Gehrig38 (in the Shark vs Bear thread)
"That thread requires a password. what is P&G?" -- JohnWHenry (when first confronted with following a link into the dark side)
"I feel compelled to break the news that the days when a topless shot of her would have caused lotion stocks to jump a dollar are long gone" - Punchado (on Rachel Hunter)
"Go watch some Stagliano -- he's the Earl Weaver of porn." - AlNipper49
"My piss actually froze on the way down, and I could see little tiny ice crystals hit the concrete below, like little puddles of solder." - Gagliano (in the Holy Crap it's Cold! thread, February 2004)
"By my count, MIE has pissed off 2 ladies in 1 thread. That has to be a non-URI, non-SB record." - Bowlerman9 (on MainerInExile)
"Hope John Carroll has fun steering the S.S. Lottery." - DwayneHosey (after Jim O'Brien resigned as coach of the Celtics)
"Onions down the asscrack is not a guy thing, it's a retard thing." - HolmesSmarterBrother (on RBGYB's McDonald's story)
"There should be a Brit-crust band called The Bloody Boobs (double entendre of course)." -- Maalox
"Someone throw some dirt over Aerosmith too, while you're at it." - Duende Roomer (in the Rolling Stones at Fenway thread)
"I want a #71 Russ Hochstein jersey, complete with a big "F U Sapp" on the back nameplate." - Smiling Joe Hesketh
"You guys are starting to scare me. If I had a daughter your age she'd be grounded until menopause." - Rasputin (on the Crater Chris thread)
"Yeah, when this thread fell to like 5th in P&G was like the day "Thriller" fell off the charts for the first time." - AlNipper49 (on the Crater Chris thread)
"That's a TV Guide I'd flip thru - least attractive casts of successful shows." - Philly Sox Fan
"Hilly would be the hardest working man in porn, but, like his at-bats, things would probably be over a little too quick" - SomervilleSox
"I've never been to Lawrence, my baseball cards are in basement, I have no clever haikus to tell and I only download porn at night, but I wanted to post in this thread. Kinda like signing the guestbook at a famous historical site." - Buffalo Head (on the Crater Chris thread)
"CC going for 1,000 was like Yaz going for 3,000. He was trying so hard that it took him out of his normal rhythm, and then the record-breaker was pretty anticlimactic. Plus there was this new hotshot Rice on the scene getting all the pub.. really the similarities are uncanny." - SomervilleSox (on the Crater Chris thread)
"Maybe the heels on the lawn were his idea, for aeration and to promote healthy root growth." - Monbo Jumbo (on Yambag's obsession with the hot MILF neighbor)
"And since then, it's been shell-shocked silence (the 'I can't believe chicks are talking about their titties!' silence). As a guy, I recognize this as the 'don't jinx the no-hitter" phenomenon at work.' - Soxfan121
"I'd crucify myself for wasting an hour of my life...but getting that last nail in would be a b!tch." - JNeen (on MBFOF finale)
"You guys are going to have to post like Maalox on a meth binge before you list a broad I wouldn't hit." - Mr. Weebles
"Sitting in his apartment eating cold pizza and posting on a baseball chat board in February would seem to indicate that OilCanShotTupac suffered through a dull life with no social interaction, but as he said, 'At least I'm not Shane Spencer.' " - OilCanShotTupac
"Mary looks pretty haggard in the movie. If I was God, I'd be looking for a hotter piece of ass to inseminate." - AlNipper49 (on Passion of the Christ)
"These types of lesbian couples really confuse me. Is the chick who dresses like the chick only half-lesbian because she's with a chick who dresses and looks like a man? These are the things I thought of as I mauled the pheasant wrapped in bacon." - redrum
"Wow, you guys are already at the stage where he calls your rectum 'the easy inbox'? Spring is in the air and romance blooms." - ehmunro (on Maalox & Yammer)
"And can we all just accept that Damon isn't getting traded? I mean, let's face it, who gets the task of explaining to God that we've traded His only begotten Son so that no rally should die? Actually, giving the matter some thought, probably Werner, God can't threaten him. After all, he's a Hollywood producer, he obviously has no soul." - ehmunro
"The hate for Catcher in the Rye stems from the fact that it sucks. People hate the music of A-ha for the same reason." - RBGYB
"Five cicada cycles and two Halley's comets since last Sox World Championship." - Sausage in Section 17
"Stewardesses were hot when flying was glamorous (and expensive). Now flying is as plebian as riding the bus and the stewardesses are basically waitresses making $18,000 a year. Hot chicks can make more than that selling their used panties on the internet." - Tim Lollard
"So I mowed my lawn today and as I was taking my victory lap, admiring my handiwork it dawned on me that I'm extraordinarily gifted with a lawn tractor. I wonder if there's anything akin to the Blue Angels in the world of lawn tractoring? Because I think they'd want me. You'll all be happy to know I got all the dogshit off my tires." -- Carlos Cowart
“Canadians have feelings too, you know! Granted, they're only worth about 65% of American feelings, but they still count!” – Lithuanian Sox Fan
“I am shamed. I shall now ease my pain with the adding of chocolate to milk.” – The Allented Mr. Ripley
“How can I get a job in publishing? I think that would be a fantastic job. Except, I suppose, 99% of the stuff you read is probably unutterable crap, considering that about 85% of what is published is unutterable crap, the unpublishable stuff must be ungodily horrendously crappy.” - Holmes Smarter Brother
“As some people know, I like to tinker with stuff.” -- Gagliano
“It's damn hard to find good cannibal recipes these days.” – Portagee Express
“I am convinced that if Darwin had ever had a chance to read nyyfans.com, he probably would have taken the theory of evolution and thrown it in the trash.” -- drtooth
“This team makes me want to hurt small animals.” – CurseOfMattYoung
“I’ve come to the conclusion that the water fountain in the manager's office in the opponent's dressing room at Stade Fasciste contains tainted water. It has to be drugged with some sort of ‘stupid pills’.” – Norm Siebern
“Hopefully Schilling will have enough of a cushion so he can drill Cairo tonight. And I don't mean a little ‘hey, knock it off’ message pitch either, I mean 97 mph right between the shoulder blades, ‘next time it's your head if you ever pull that @#%$ again’ pitch. In a perfect world I'd like to see him cry.” – Carlos Cowart, 10/19/04
“I'm fully in the blame the victim camp on this one. These animals are thumbing their noses at evolution by remaining as tasty today as they have always been in the past. If they didn't have a deep seeded desire to be eaten by me, they would taste more like rhubarb.” – SpacemanzGerbil (in a thread debating vegans)
“The MFY radio announcers were talking about Jeter's sacrifice bunt to move a runner to 3rd. They made it sound like he just donated one of his kidneys or something.” – One Red Seat
“With broadband connections and DSL, post counts have become inflated. Better equipment combined with better and healthier posters have only served to increase numbers at a large rate. Further, post counts have skyrocketed since the advent of steriods injected directly into the tips of a poster's fingers, enabling him or her to type faster and for longer periods." – ccsubruce
"I can see Theo chucking it all in 5 years or so and going to work in a soup kitchen or something. Of course he'd have the soup kitchen in the Fortune 500 after a couple of years." -- CarboCopy
“Sorry, that was me. Sauerkraut for lunch. Won't happen again.” – Lose Remerswaal in the ‘Dirty Bomb in Boston’ thread
“When I was in highschool I had a zit on the back of my leg where it bends - the legpit if you will. Anyway I squeezed the living sit out of it well before it was really ripe and was quite disappointed with only a little bit of watery blood as a discharge. Kind of forgot about it for a couple of weeks because it was in such an obscure location but then felt it one day while taking a shower. Gave it just the tiniest of squeezes and it produced a big glob of pus about the consistency of toothpaste. Man that was awesome, but I can't live in the past.” – Carlos Cowart (in the “Super Volcanoes” thread)
“All I can say is that home ownership is a pain in the ass. It's cool being able to go to the kitchen naked at two am and make yourself a fluffernutter and all but really how often is that something you want to do?” – HolmesSmarterBrother (in Big Red Kahuna’s “Talk me off the ledge” thread. BRK had a new house, new baby & new car coming in a span of 6 weeks)
“Yes, the 19 page "move the ring day" ceremony thread is so compelling. I hang out there all day.” – Stormmon (in Hate’s “Blow Up P&G” rant thread clamoring for more main board posts)
"I can get all tackle twill excited anyway can't I?" - Rasputin (in the All of a sudden...and HELL YEAH thread on the 12-game winning streak)
"I got ass because of my tagline. Just through. Basically, I went for the hail mary. I went for the A prospect when the B prospect was in the bag. Drunken move. The A prospect was having none of the TRic. Then I used the "eating hazadous breakfast" and made some bullsht story up around it. She was impressed. She took me home and paid for the subway (I left my wallet somwhere) and we had crazy red head sex. Awesome. I am so drunk it hurts. her friend was having none of it but we ditched her at some station. Going pass out the drunk now." - Tom Ricardo
"It may just be the hair, but if you at any time licked her cooch that could certainly qualify as a hazardous breakfast." - JudgeMental13 (in TRic's I Got Ass Because Of My Tagline thread)
"The redhead is truly unrateable without seeing her ass. As it is I'd give her a 7 seed in the south." - MontanaFan (in TRic's I Got Ass Because Of My Tagline thread)
"Hey Seth, Redsoxfan2007 here from SoSH!! Remember that time you posted in the "my blog" thread to say you updated your blog? That fucking rocked!! Can you sign my cock?" - RBYB (in the Feeding The Monster thread)
"I am well versed in dropping 155mm shells down your pooper...but the Artillery sucks as far as hand to hand combat goes...I rely primarily on body odor and bad breath..." - Stiffy (in the Royal Rumble thread)
"The ratio of text to breasts is un-fucking-acceptable. The mods oughta ding the next person who bumps that thread without the requisite areolae." - Bernie Carbohydrate (in the Daily Fin thread, where he sadly yet appropriately dissed The Tittie Thread, Part Deux)
"He's not just managing for today. He has to not overwork the pen. It'd be different if there were some sort of break coming up, where the bullpen could rest." - Steve Dillard (in the White Sox Game Thread on July 8, just days before the all-star game, after Tito left Beckett in to load the bases in the 7th)
"Waiting is never the manly option. You went into the bathroom to piss - to leave without doing so is a total failure of mission...and standing there waiting watching other guys piss while there's an open urinal is an utter abomination." - Fred not Lynn (in the Urinal Etiquette thread)
"If I had the opportunity to walk into Best Buy and steal whatever I wanted with very little chance of punishment, I'd do it. The only thing that stops me are the cameras, the alarm and the security devices on the jewel cases. Fuck morals. Free shit rocks." - GodSamGod (responding to the self-appointed copyright police in the No More WinMx thread)
"Any couple who can unlatch the door to their trailer can produce another mouth attached to a mass of cells, but it boggles my mind that a reasonably intelligent person would look at Shea Hillenbrand and think 'Here's someone who should be responsible for an impressionable young human mind.' Letting Hillenbrand take responsibility for a child is the adoption equivalent of giving a nice, clean liver to Mickey Mantle." - OCD SS (in the Hillenbrand Adopts thread)
"The best thing we've done together is watched a YouTube Larry Bird video (set to 'Eye of the Hurricane') at my desk." - BU1995Hockey (in the Unreal Office Hottie/Camera Phone Question thread)
"When you spent time with the front office folks, did you spend time with EV? You know ... hang out at lunch or outside a junior high school or something?" - Mr. Weebles (to smnookin in the Feeding The Monster thread)
"Hmmm...spread the legs more and get lower...I used to get that same advice from my pastor." - CrazyPuppy (after Bub, who coaches children, posted at NYYFans that this is what ARod needed to do to keep from swinging under the ball. ARod was coming off an 0-4 day with 4 Ks.)
"I'm a sucker for large drums of human waste." - Sille Skrub (in Maalox's 2006 Appalachian Trail thread)
"Let us dance on the corpse of this synergistic marketing fiasco." - DLew On Roids (following the demise of ESPN Mobile)
"I'm pretty sure if A-Rod had been on the plane, it wouldn't have hit anything." - Quintanariffic (in the Cory Lidle P&G plane crash thread)
"Value Over Replacement Pilot: -100" - BC1994 (in the Cory Lidle P&G plane crash thread)
"DCHONG's appearance in the main board thread is like Han Solo showing up to take out Darth Vader the end of Star Wars." - OilCanShotTupac (after DCHONG posted in the Cory Lidle plane crash main page thread)
"Just when I thought the Yankees were done crashing and burning..." - The Gray Eagle (in the Cory Lidle P&G plane crash thread)
"Step off. You don't want me to unleash the PM shock and awe on you" - Sille Skrub (in the Lurker PM's thread)
"The thought of a flying-Elvis helmeted Randy Moss has me as excited as Nip at the Ramrod with a fistful of Benjamins." - Sille Skrub (in the Pats' forum rumor thread)
"That bitch probably lost her new girlfriend smell. She deserved it." - templeUsox (after RemDawg's son Jared was arrested for smacking his female companion around)
"Absolute Poker is the biggest piece of shit in the history of pieces of shit." - Sille Skrub (after the SoSH vs NYYFans Grudge Match debacle)
"I object to your implication that sexuality and religion are mutually exclusive. They're certainly not at my church, Our Lady of the Tight Vagina." - Maalox (in the Crackpot Theory thread)
"Next step: killing Sox Appeal off as quickly as possible. Had Steinberg stuck around he would have had Danny Vinik on there choosing a freaking prom date." = Smiling Joe Hesketh (in the Bye Bye Dentist thread)
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