Derek Jeter

From SoSH

Derek Sanderson Jeter was born on June 26, 1974 in Pequannock, New Jersey. According to Yankee lore, when Jeter was born, the doctor was in such awe of Jeter's magnificence that he dropped his glasses. With lightning-like reflexes, the newborn Jeter jumped from his mother's arms and dove into a crowd of nurses, grabbing the glasses. The infant then let loose a mighty fist pump and looked up. Gazing into the baby Jeter's eyes, the doctor declared, "This wonder child has the calmest eyes I have ever seen. He shall be a leader of men."

Contents 1 Overall Career 2 Moment in the Sun 3 Trivia 4 Quotes 5 External Links

Overall Career

"He'd been summoned by the baseball gods; to carry the torch, to help save the team and the stadium and maybe even the game of baseball itself." - Peter Richmond in GQ Magazine (September 1998).

Moment in the Sun

Probably the biggest moment of Jeter's career occurred when ARod was acquired by the New York Yankees. Jeter promptly punched ARod in the face and told him to move his bitch ass to third. "Jeter is the Yankee shortstop and no better-fielding MVP bastard is going to take that away from the captain," proclaimed the Yankee Great in the third person. For even making anyone question who was the Yankee's shortstop, Rodriguez is to this day hated by all the New York media and not allowed in True Yankee clubhouse meetings.

Trivia

• ARod is not allowed to go to shortstop even if Jeter gets injured, per proclamation of Jeter.

• Jeter likes to wear all his World Series rings out and about town. That way if anyone is stupid enough to argue with him, he can just lift his hand and say "That's not what FOUR WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS THINKS!"

• Jeter holds the Guinness world record for calmest eyes. His eyes are five times as calm as those of a baby ewe.

• Barry Bonds only considers him half a racist because Jeter's dad was black. That means that in response to Derek Jeter's "How are you?", Bonds will actually grunt out loud instead of punching someone in a steroid-fueled rage.

• Derek Jeter does not need deodorant.

• Don Zimmer's real job on the Yankees was to shave the places on Jeter's ass and back which Jeter did not feel like reaching.

• His given name is Derek Sanderson Jeter . . . yes, Derek Sanderson, as in the Bruins player.

• He has a restraining order against Tim McCarver.

• Has signed a deal with Avon to create a new cologne, called Driven. According to the company, the fragrance reflects "the unique personality of one of the most driven men in America". It goes on sale in November 2006.

• His patented move on and off the diamond is the "Reach Around." It's shown off most at the plethora of gay bars in NYC, where countless numbers of homosexual men have benefitted from it. Jeter originally wanted to name his new cologne, "Reach Around," but Avon nixed the idea, calling it too "faggoty."

• Has used his calm eyes and intangibles to bag some of Hollywood's hottest starlets, including Mariah Carey, Jordana Brewster, Scarlett Johansson, Vanessa Minnillo, Joy Enriquez, Jessica Alba, Lora Dutta and current squeeze, Jessica Biel.

Quotes

"He's rather unique for a young man in the 1990s. Endowed as he is with all that talent, all that money and such impeccable manners-that makes him an anachronism. In this era of boorish athletes, obnoxious fans, greedy owners and shattered myths, here's a hero who's actually polite, and that has to have come from good parenting. You can't compare him to Joe DiMaggio, for DiMaggio didn't have bad manners — he had no manners. Where have you gone, man with manners? Here you are, Derek Jeter." - Sportswriter Gay Talese

External Links

• Baseball-Reference.com - Career Statistics and Analysis