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Fausto Carmona isn't Fausto Carmona, Arrested in DR


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#1 soxhop411


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:07 PM

Enrique Rojas/ESPN @Enrique_Rojas12m
Fausto Carmona isn't Fausto Carmona. His real name is Roberto Hernandez Heredia, said Dominican Republic police. #Indians

Jorge Arangure @jorgearangure14m
Fairly big news. @YancenPujols reporting that #Indians pitcher Fausto Carmona arrested in DR for using false identity




very surprising

Edited by soxhop411, 19 January 2012 - 03:08 PM.


#2 24JoshuaPoint


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:11 PM

WTF

#3 KiltedFool


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:23 PM

Well ain't that just a kick in the pickle.

The midges were onto something.

#4 jsinger121


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:26 PM

Also not 28 years old. He is 31.

#5 brace

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:34 PM

Looks like he's actually 31 yrs old as well...

UPDATE: Dionisio Soldevilla of the Associated Press reports that Carmona/Heredia is actually 31 years old, not 28 as everyone believed. That means his standout rookie season came at age 26 and could give the Indians a way to void his contract


http://hardballtalk....false-identity/


EDIT: jsinger beat me to correct age.
.

Edited by brace, 19 January 2012 - 03:35 PM.


#6 Kutcher Era Youth

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:34 PM

Well, I think he deserves some leniency for kicking Gary Sheffield's ass.

#7 rembrat


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:35 PM

Oh incoming shitstorm.

#8 E5 Yaz


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:38 PM

Next thing you know, we'll read that Big Papi's last name is really Arias or something

#9 Salem's Lot


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:45 PM

Can somebody who understands the law better then I do tell me why this would be an arrestable offense in the DR? Why would the government of the DR care if he used an assumed name to defraud an employer in another country? I could see MLB suspending him, Cleveland trying to void his contract, or the US State Department pulling his work visa over this, but why the arrest in the DR?

#10 Orel Miraculous

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:48 PM

Can somebody who understands the law better then I do tell me why this would be an arrestable offense in the DR? Why would the government of the DR care if he used an assumed name to defraud an employer in another country? I could see MLB suspending him, Cleveland trying to void his contract, or the US State Department pulling his work visa over this, but why the arrest in the DR?


Well, he didn't just walk up to the Cleveland Indians and say "Hi, I'm Fausto Carmona." He had to give them some kind of DR-issued document that said he was Fausto Carmona. That document was either forged or actually belonged to someone else.

#11 Salem's Lot


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:54 PM

Well, he didn't just walk up to the Cleveland Indians and say "Hi, I'm Fausto Carmona." He had to give them some kind of DR-issued document that said he was Fausto Carmona. That document was either forged or actually belonged to someone else.


I would assume that many of us here were buying alchohol & tobacco while underage using some kind of ID that had a false name/ D.O.B on it. I've never heard of anybody who got arrested for it. Maybe the cops in my town just had too much to do.

#12 rembrat


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:58 PM

That's totally different. The crime here is using a false identity on government issued documents.

#13 Darnell's Son

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 03:58 PM

I would assume that many of us here were buying alchohol & tobacco while underage using some kind of ID that had a false name/ D.O.B on it. I've never heard of anybody who got arrested for it. Maybe the cops in my town just had too much to do.


Using a fake ID for any reason is an arrestable offense. He also lied to the US State Dept and their Domincan counterpart. In the post 9/11 era, that's a big deal.

#14 glennhoffmania


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 04:05 PM

I got summoned for getting caught with an altered ID. It's definitely a crime. I didn't realize that was up for debate.

#15 Yaz4Ever


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 04:07 PM

I got summoned for getting caught with an altered ID. It's definitely a crime. I didn't realize that was up for debate.


Was this one of your voter fraud endeavors?

Regardless of what happens to him in the DR, what are the odds the US lets him back in the country?

#16 KiltedFool


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 04:13 PM

If they do let him in it won't be quick or easy. If the Tribe wants to get out from under his contract this would appear to be a golden opportunity, moreso on the false age than on the false name. A false name doesn't change his expected maturation and physical peak. Being 3 years older is a big deal.

Hmm, just checked Cot's to confirm my dim memory and was right, Carmona is now entering the section of his contract that is all club options anyway, so they didn't need this leverage. So it really comes into play if they do want him back and the State Department wants to bar him.

I guess his options could be renegotiated in light of the falsehoods, but I don't see that as likely.

edit:
Regarding the weak analogy to using a borrowed or fake ID to get into a bar or buy booze. None of those events involved signing a contract that includes clauses that talk about all information being accurate and penalties for knowingly providing false information. I signed a bunch of that stuff when I applied for a home loan, you think adding 1 or 2 more zeroes makes it more or less likely those clauses are there? Without even touching on the federal issues in the post-9/11 era.

Edited by KiltedFool, 19 January 2012 - 04:16 PM.


#17 glennhoffmania


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 04:15 PM

Was this one of your voter fraud endeavors?

Regardless of what happens to him in the DR, what are the odds the US lets him back in the country?


Yes, I was working as a covert operative for the Kennedy campaign. I was only 15 but I had an ID that made me 68.*

Emilio: This is the worst fake ID I've ever seen. Do you realize you made yourself sixty eight?

Me: Oh, I know...I know, I goofed it

Emilio: What do you need a fake ID for?

Me: So I can vote!

*None of that information is actually true.

#18 brace

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 04:21 PM

Regardless of what happens to him in the DR, what are the odds the US lets him back in the country?


I think this would be a problem as well - But apparently the Florida Marlins weren't concerned when they signed Leo Nunez to a $6mil contract shortly after he was arrested under the same circumstances.

#19 trekfan55


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 04:34 PM

I would think that applying for any kind of US Visa under a false identity is cause for such Visa being rejected and probably never be issued again, and I am thinking of a simple B1/B2 Tourist Visa (the one I have).

Applying for a work Visa/permit involves a lot more as there are tax implications, registrations, etc.

As for being arrested in the DR, the moment he used his fake documents to represent himself as another person, and used such documents in an official capacity, I would guess he is subject to arrest. We are not talking flashing a picture ID to buy booze or to enter a private club (which may be subject to arrest as well but someone might just "let it go" with a warning).

#20 jose melendez


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 05:16 PM

God, I've been dying for a reason to repost the best thing I ever wrote.

2007 ALCS Game 2: The Strange Story of Fausto


It’s time for Jose’ Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME

1. Part 1 Fausto’s Lament and Mephistopheles’ Offer

‘Twas two thousand and six, at the end of July,
And Fausto was staring up into the sky
At a home run that drifted up into a cloud,
“God, am I truly cursed?” he then wondered aloud.

“My fastball is fast, and it moves when I pitch,
Yet they crush with naught but a flick of the wrist,
And it flies, then I struggle, start losing control,
As I’ve let these damn Red Sox dig out of a hole.”

And he went home that night and he tossed as he slept,
Then he sighed and he struggled and quietly wept.
'Til two days passed and then he had won back the ball
“'Twas a fluke,” then he said. “I am not bad at all.’

‘Gainst these Red Sox, I’ll rear back and show them my heat,
And for us save a win, and for them give defeat.
So he reared back and tossed out a treacherous ball
And nailed a batter and caused him to fall.

The he plunked still another, a walk and a hit,
Thus, the alchemist pitcher was spitting the bit.
As two runs crossed the plate and his team lost the game,
Then he sulked and he felt ignominious shame.

When he crawled into bed and he pouted that night,
He cried to the Lord, “Can I do nothing right?
Then he heard a strange sound, sniffed a troubling smell,
Like the brimstone that smolders in fiery hell.

He looked at the floor, at the foot of his bed,
Sat a fluffy white poodle, with eyes of blood red.
“It’s a dog,” cries young Fausto and rubs on his eyes.
I’ve go to confess, this is quite a surprise,

That a poodle has into my bedchamber crept,
It must be the doorman, he’s kind of inept.”
Then the scent, it grew stronger, the poodle changed shape,
And there stood the devil, with horns, hooves and cape.

“I heard Doctor Fausto, you angrily call,
To the Lord in your search for a better fastball,
But I’m not the Lord, though I’ve power to lend.
Of course, I will want something back in the end.”

“Why’d you call me Doctor?” young Fausto shot back.
“And why would I deal with the powers of black
Ness and evil, as if I’m a simpering fool?
I know all about your dark realm and your rule

Over souls that are damned, thus to bargain with you,
Is really not something I’m looking to do.
Because what could you give me, that now I don’t hold?
I’m strong, and I’m sharp and I’m not very old.”

“Good Doctor,” the devil did calmly respond,
“I’m not here to offer you brunettes or blondes
or redheads or wealth or inferior stuff,
I just heard you yelling about how life’s tough.

And I thought I could offer what you truly need,
Not help with your motion or even your speed,
But something deceptive, a good change of pace,
A pitch from my realm that will help you save face.

A slider from hell, you can throw when as wish,
The batters will struggle like air breathing fish.
It will start like a fastball when leaving your hand,
But when batters swing it will fall to the sand

And leave the embarrassed and looking like chumps,
And you’ll win respect from the fans and the umps.
Yes, I’ll be your servant, your own ‘pitching coach’
On this humble Earth I will guide your approach.”

“And how shall I pay for this service you’d give?”
Said Fausto “I’ll never, as long as I live,
Sign a deal that will make be your stooge or your slave,
And to kneel on this Earth at your feet knave.”

“Well what about this?” then the devil replied.
“I’ll make you an offer and you can decide
If it’s fair or its foul, like an ump on the line,
And if you don’t want, it well’s that’s really fine.

You can give up your hits, give up run after run
Go back to the minors, I’m sure you’ll have fun.
But before, you’re so righteous in sending me off,
I’ll make you an offer, that won’t make you scoff.

I’ll give you this slider, be your coach on this Earth,
And I will take nothing, for what it is worth,
‘Til you come to a moment of unrivaled joy,
Where you’ve pitched a game that will surely destroy,

Your opponent, a game that’s so fine and so good,
That ultimate bliss will be yours, understood?
Then insects shall rain on your joy and your bliss,
Then I’ll come and I’ll snatch up your soul with a kiss,

And you’ll come back with me and have to obey,
Be my servant, and pitch for my team when we play
‘Gainst the Angles, the heavenly team from the sky,
Who I cursed just last week with a case of pink eye.


But, if bliss never comes and if joy’s never reached,
And my rep as a prophet is badly impeached,
Then you will owe my nothing, however you pitch.
And I’ll stay on this Earth and I’ll work as your bitch.

So what say you Fasuto, so vain and so proud,
Will you take my offer and am I allowed,
To give you this gift that will make you an ace,
Or will you reject me and spit in my face?”

And Fausto pondered and thought of the good
Of a slider that left naught but splintering wood,
And imagined that this deal, it might be the one,
As ‘ultimate bliss,’ it cannot ever come.

“So I’ll get a great pitch, and I’ll be Cleveland’s ace,
Since bliss shall not come, I will stay in God’s grace,
And this fool of a devil will not take my soul.
He’ll just sit there and squirm as I get on a roll.”

“Mephistopheles,” Fausto Carmona declared.
“I will take up your offer, for I am not scared.”
Then a thick poof of smoke and a sickening thud
And there was a fountain pen dripping with blood,

And a thick sheet of parchment, outlining the deal,
Satan waited for Fausto to sign, which would seal,
Them in contract together, and sign it he did,
Satan laughed his eyes burning, and said “Then I bid

You goodnight Doctor Fausto, until you next pitch,
And I’ll give you the slider, that will make you rich.”
With a stamp of his hooves, first his left, then his right,
The devil did disappear into the night.

2. Part 2 The Gretchen Tragedy

It was 2007 and Fausto pitched well,
And he lived as we wished and had no fear of hell,
For he knew he would never know ultimate bliss,
Even holding his lover and sharing a kiss,

She’s a groupie who he had met out at a bar,
Then they screwed in the back of his luxury car,
He had seen her before, but she hadn’t seen him,
Because she liked the stars who were bright and not dim.

And he’d struggled last year, and he’d not been an ace,
So if he’d asked her out she’d have smacked up his face,
As she flirted with Hafner and Sizemore and such,
A bit, with Martinez, although not too much.

But this year when he pitched with slider from hell,
She started to see Doctor Fausto as well.
She came up to him and said “Buy me a drink?
I’m Gretchen and you’re Doctor Fausto, I think.”

And he kept pitching well ‘cause his slider had bite,
But then one tragic eve Gretchen started a fight
With poor Fausto, she begged him to come to her house,
And meet her old mother, a miserable souse.

He consented, but not without pouting and hate,
Because, truth be told, he had another date
For that evening, with whom he’d been hoping to score,
But for Gretchen, he guessed he would not start a war.

So they went to her house and they met her old mom,
As mom sucked down a drink that she called a car bomb.
But young Fausto was horny, for he’d planned a date,
So he whispered to Gretchen “Hey why should we wait,

To get busy, I think your mom’s gonna pass out,
Then we’ll go to your room, and I’ll whip it on out.”
But Gretchen was wise for she’d seen her mom drink
Thus responded, “She’ll last for a while, I think.”

But Fausto knew lot’s about drinking the booze,
Thus he thought “I know of a drink I can use.”
So he took some Tequila, some vodka and gin
And mixed in Unicum, Hungarian sin,

And brought it to mama a big frothing glass,
Then mom was unconscious, collapsed on her ass.
So then he and Gretchen snuck up to her room,
And made some remarkable va-va-va-vroom.

Then they came downstairs, and the went to the door,
And saw that the mom had fallen to the floor.
With a frothing of mouth and a drooping of head,
It quickly emerged that old mom, now was dead.

In following weeks, well the story got worse,
As Gretchen began to fall under a curse,
She threw up a lot and she didn’t feel well
Her innards they felt like the fires of hell.

So she went to the doctor to see what was up
And he asked her to go and pee into a cup.
When she asked why the doctor had done what he did
He said “Congratulations, your having a kid.”

Meanwhile Fausto was pitching with low ERA
And the Indians surged and they readied to play
‘Gainst the Yankees in Cleveland in Game Number Two
And then Fausto was pitching, so what could he do,

When he heard from his Gretchen, her medical news?
He said, “I’m the father, I think I refuse
To believe that, after all, you have been around
So no I ain’t gonna see no ultrasound.”

But Mephisto, he sent to look in on his girl,
And he sat near her bed, gave his moustache a twirl
And said “Gretchen, I think you’re in trouble by dear,
Our boy Fausto he is a big leaguer I fear.

And you’re just a woman, his object of lust,
With badonkadonk butt and a hell of a bust.
But you’re kicked to the curb now, you’ve nothing to give,
And I think that young Fausto won’t care if you live
Or you die as long, as you stay quite far away,
And, oh I don’t think I would bother to pray,
For you’ve sinned every day, and that’s rather a lot,
So I think that I’ll take you where fire is hot.”

Though Gretchen was shattered, she couldn’t be budged.
Thus Satan he yelled at her “You are now judged!!!”
And she cried as she thought of her loss of her love,
Then she heard a voice calling her up from up above.

“She is saved!” boomed the voice from the heavens on high
And she smiled although she continued to cry.
“And you devil,” God said, “Now be gone lowly knave
I’m not Joe Borowski, I know how to save.”

3. Part 3 The Pact is Concluded

Young Fausto, by Lake Erie was on the mound,
When he felt a strange feeling, both sad and profound,
Like something was lost, yet a burden was lifted,
So he pitched ‘gainst the Yankees as if he were gifted.

He mowed the Yanks down, he pitched a full nine,
But was troubled as Satan did send him a sign.
The game it was close and he gave up a run,
If his team couldn’t score, then he couldn’t have won.

He would lose, take an “L” in the box score that day
And his heart would grow heavy his mind would go gray,
But the insects descended in sickening clouds,
And with wild pitches a run was allowed

That tied up the game, and gave Fausto a chance,
To twirl with his slider and finish the dance.
So he fought through the flies, cause he knew they were friends
And he pitched to the inning that usually ends,

A ball game, unless the score stays even, tied,
At which point the bullpens will have to decide,
Who will win? Who will lose? Who will conquer Game 2,
And thus Doctor Fausto had nothing to do,

But relax and reflect on his brilliance that night,
How he’d owned the Yankees with throws from his right,
Arm of God. “But wait then” he suddenly thought.
My arm’s not from God it is certainly not.

Oh what have I done, I fear something’s amiss,
Did I just for a second, fell ultimate bliss?
“Yes you did,” said a voice, with its familiar call,
But the body was that of his friend Asdrubal.

“I’m Mephisto, that’s right,” said his teammate in gray.
“Who else could have S-D-R-U in his name?”
You felt perfect bliss ‘cause you mastered the Yanks?
Since I let you do it I expect some thanks.

Of course, you were foolish to feel such great joy,
It’s not like your looking at Helen of Troy.
You mastered a team that is good but not great,
But you felt that great joy, and, well, that sealed your fate.

And now your soul’s mine to do with as I please,
So now’d be a good time to fall to your knees.”
“Don’t send me to hell, cause I can’t stand the heat,”
Begged poor Fausto beginning to concede defeat.

“Oh don’t worry ‘bout fire,” Satan said with a grin,
“I prefer to use irony to punish sin.
So you will go to hell, but it won’t be all flames
No I’ll just let you pitch in ALCS games

Against Boston, with Ortiz and Manny and Lowell,
And laugh as you dig yourself into a hole.
Can you deal with the lightening fast Lugo on Crisp
When I take your slider back. What did you lisp.”

“Oh please Satan don’t take that one pitch from my arm,
These Red Sox are deadly and they’ll do me harm.?
“That’s why it’s called hell, so what can I do?
Except let you pitch against poor J.D. Drew.

But even that fellow who’s struggled so much,
Against you tonight will find the magic touch,
To crush balls to center to left and to right,
And then if you’re lucky, it will end your night.

Perhaps you will learn then, perhaps, you will strive,
And know that you’re not the best pitcher alive.
Perhaps in the spring of the following year,
You’ll play ‘gainst the Angles and they’ll sooth your fear.

They’ll burnish your ego and polish your soul
And take you to heaven and make you feel whole,
And up in God’s Kingdom perhaps you’ll pitch well,
But now facing the Red Sox, well, welcome to Hell.”

#21 Punchado


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 05:41 PM

I feel really bad for the real Fausto Carmona. Imagine the pain of having to watch someone else have your MLB career. Did Heredia have the real Fausto tied up somewhere? Do the Indians get to cut this fraudster and just give the real Fausto his contract? There are a lot of unanswered questions and implications here.

#22 E5 Yaz


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 05:45 PM

As long as the real Fausto isn't stiuck in an alternate timeline, it's okay by me

#23 BroodsSexton

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 05:51 PM

Hmm, just checked Cot's to confirm my dim memory and was right, Carmona is now entering the section of his contract that is all club options anyway, so they didn't need this leverage. So it really comes into play if they do want him back and the State Department wants to bar him.

I guess his options could be renegotiated in light of the falsehoods, but I don't see that as likely.

I'd be interested to see if they could get rescission or damages for fraudulent inducement. Not likely, I suppose, but it would be an interesting damages case.

#24 SemperFidelisSox


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Posted 19 January 2012 - 06:47 PM

Posted Image

#25 PhilPlantier

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Posted 20 January 2012 - 07:35 AM

I'd be interested to see if they could get rescission or damages for fraudulent inducement. Not likely, I suppose, but it would be an interesting damages case.


I can't think of any theory of damages that would allow meaningful recovery in a situation like this, as the Indians actually received the benefit of his performance (albeit underwhelming at times). The Indians would essentially have to establish that the 28-year-old Carmona/Heredia for which they bargained would have outperformed the actual 31-year-old version. Rescission of the current contract, however, is entirely possible.

#26 maufman


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Posted 20 January 2012 - 09:41 AM

If they do let him in it won't be quick or easy. If the Tribe wants to get out from under his contract this would appear to be a golden opportunity, moreso on the false age than on the false name. A false name doesn't change his expected maturation and physical peak. Being 3 years older is a big deal.

Hmm, just checked Cot's to confirm my dim memory and was right, Carmona is now entering the section of his contract that is all club options anyway, so they didn't need this leverage. So it really comes into play if they do want him back and the State Department wants to bar him.

I guess his options could be renegotiated in light of the falsehoods, but I don't see that as likely.

edit:
Regarding the weak analogy to using a borrowed or fake ID to get into a bar or buy booze. None of those events involved signing a contract that includes clauses that talk about all information being accurate and penalties for knowingly providing false information. I signed a bunch of that stuff when I applied for a home loan, you think adding 1 or 2 more zeroes makes it more or less likely those clauses are there? Without even touching on the federal issues in the post-9/11 era.


I'd be interested to see if they could get rescission or damages for fraudulent inducement. Not likely, I suppose, but it would be an interesting damages case.


Remember guys -- this is a collective bargaining environment, and disputes are settled by arbitration. Other teams have not voided contracts because of misrepresentations about age; that precedent of non-action will be much more persuasive to an arbitrator than a judge. And certainly, no arbitrator who wants to get hired again is going to hold a player liable for out-of-pocket damages, especially based on something like a boilerplate "no misrepresentations" clause.

The only way the Indians are getting out of the $7mm they owe Carmona/Heredia for 2012 (they already exercised the option) is if he can't return to the United States. I don't think the Tribe is rooting for that outcome, because the difference between age 28 and age 31 isn't too important on a one-year deal.

#27 steveluck7

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Posted 20 January 2012 - 09:51 AM

Remember guys -- this is a collective bargaining environment, and disputes are settled by arbitration.

Since he is not who he says he is, would he still be covered by the CBA and subject to arbitration?

#28 CaptainLaddie


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Posted 20 January 2012 - 09:53 AM

What would happen if it turned out that Pujols wasn't 31 but actually 34?

It's not a matter of if with this, it's when. Eventually we're going to have a superstar with a long, expensive contract commit this kind of fraud and it's going to be fascinating to see what stance MLB and the MLBPA take on this.

#29 BroodsSexton

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Posted 20 January 2012 - 09:57 AM

I can't think of any theory of damages that would allow meaningful recovery in a situation like this, as the Indians actually received the benefit of his performance (albeit underwhelming at times). The Indians would essentially have to establish that the 28-year-old Carmona/Heredia for which they bargained would have outperformed the actual 31-year-old version. Rescission of the current contract, however, is entirely possible.


The theory of damages would be rescissory damages based upon the fraudulent misrepresentation of age and the inability to unwind the transaction, age being a material consideration as to how much money to pay him. One could apply advanced metrics to determine the value of his performance: Assuming that the contract was fraudulently induced, and the Tribe wouldn't have entered into it on the same terms had they known his actual age, how much has Carmona's performance actually been worth? One could argue that he should get compensation for his actual performance only, as a kind of quantum meruit offset to complete rescission, which would be impractical. Of course, one could also say that he's not entitled to any compensation at all as a result of the fraud, but that seems a bit draconian.

Another way of thinking of it is that the Indians didn't get the benefit of what they bargained for, i.e. a 28 year old Carmona. They got a 31 year old Carmona. And the damage from the fraud was realized when they signed the contract, regardless of his subsequent performance. Of course, Carmona would make the argument you're making, i.e. no loss causation as a result of the misrepresented age, but I think in a case like this where there would not be a contract (or likely it would be on different terms) but for the misrepresentation, the fact of the induced contract would satisfy any loss causation requirement.

And mauf, I'm not sure that the fact of collective bargaining or an arbitrator affects this in any meaningful way, though the precedent going forward might indeed weigh on an arbitrator's mind. I could definitely see an arbitrator docking Carmona as a result of the fraudulent misrep. Perhaps even moreso than a Court, as arbitrators are generally inclined to rough justice.

Edited by BroodsSexton, 20 January 2012 - 10:21 AM.


#30 Rough Carrigan


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Posted 20 January 2012 - 10:11 AM

God, I've been dying for a reason to repost the best thing I ever wrote.

2007 ALCS Game 2: The Strange Story of Fausto


It’s time for Jose’ Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME

1. Part 1 Fausto’s Lament and Mephistopheles’ Offer

‘Twas two thousand and six, at the end of July,
And Fausto was staring up into the sky
At a home run that drifted up into a cloud,
“God, am I truly cursed?” he then wondered aloud.

“My fastball is fast, and it moves when I pitch,
Yet they crush with naught but a flick of the wrist,
And it flies, then I struggle, start losing control,
As I’ve let these damn Red Sox dig out of a hole.”

And he went home that night and he tossed as he slept,
Then he sighed and he struggled and quietly wept.
'Til two days passed and then he had won back the ball
“'Twas a fluke,” then he said. “I am not bad at all.’

‘Gainst these Red Sox, I’ll rear back and show them my heat,
And for us save a win, and for them give defeat.
So he reared back and tossed out a treacherous ball
And nailed a batter and caused him to fall.

The he plunked still another, a walk and a hit,
Thus, the alchemist pitcher was spitting the bit.
As two runs crossed the plate and his team lost the game,
Then he sulked and he felt ignominious shame.

When he crawled into bed and he pouted that night,
He cried to the Lord, “Can I do nothing right?
Then he heard a strange sound, sniffed a troubling smell,
Like the brimstone that smolders in fiery hell.

He looked at the floor, at the foot of his bed,
Sat a fluffy white poodle, with eyes of blood red.
“It’s a dog,” cries young Fausto and rubs on his eyes.
I’ve go to confess, this is quite a surprise,

That a poodle has into my bedchamber crept,
It must be the doorman, he’s kind of inept.”
Then the scent, it grew stronger, the poodle changed shape,
And there stood the devil, with horns, hooves and cape.

“I heard Doctor Fausto, you angrily call,
To the Lord in your search for a better fastball,
But I’m not the Lord, though I’ve power to lend.
Of course, I will want something back in the end.”

“Why’d you call me Doctor?” young Fausto shot back.
“And why would I deal with the powers of black
Ness and evil, as if I’m a simpering fool?
I know all about your dark realm and your rule

Over souls that are damned, thus to bargain with you,
Is really not something I’m looking to do.
Because what could you give me, that now I don’t hold?
I’m strong, and I’m sharp and I’m not very old.”

“Good Doctor,” the devil did calmly respond,
“I’m not here to offer you brunettes or blondes
or redheads or wealth or inferior stuff,
I just heard you yelling about how life’s tough.

And I thought I could offer what you truly need,
Not help with your motion or even your speed,
But something deceptive, a good change of pace,
A pitch from my realm that will help you save face.

A slider from hell, you can throw when as wish,
The batters will struggle like air breathing fish.
It will start like a fastball when leaving your hand,
But when batters swing it will fall to the sand

And leave the embarrassed and looking like chumps,
And you’ll win respect from the fans and the umps.
Yes, I’ll be your servant, your own ‘pitching coach’
On this humble Earth I will guide your approach.”

“And how shall I pay for this service you’d give?”
Said Fausto “I’ll never, as long as I live,
Sign a deal that will make be your stooge or your slave,
And to kneel on this Earth at your feet knave.”

“Well what about this?” then the devil replied.
“I’ll make you an offer and you can decide
If it’s fair or its foul, like an ump on the line,
And if you don’t want, it well’s that’s really fine.

You can give up your hits, give up run after run
Go back to the minors, I’m sure you’ll have fun.
But before, you’re so righteous in sending me off,
I’ll make you an offer, that won’t make you scoff.

I’ll give you this slider, be your coach on this Earth,
And I will take nothing, for what it is worth,
‘Til you come to a moment of unrivaled joy,
Where you’ve pitched a game that will surely destroy,

Your opponent, a game that’s so fine and so good,
That ultimate bliss will be yours, understood?
Then insects shall rain on your joy and your bliss,
Then I’ll come and I’ll snatch up your soul with a kiss,

And you’ll come back with me and have to obey,
Be my servant, and pitch for my team when we play
‘Gainst the Angles, the heavenly team from the sky,
Who I cursed just last week with a case of pink eye.


But, if bliss never comes and if joy’s never reached,
And my rep as a prophet is badly impeached,
Then you will owe my nothing, however you pitch.
And I’ll stay on this Earth and I’ll work as your bitch.

So what say you Fasuto, so vain and so proud,
Will you take my offer and am I allowed,
To give you this gift that will make you an ace,
Or will you reject me and spit in my face?”

And Fausto pondered and thought of the good
Of a slider that left naught but splintering wood,
And imagined that this deal, it might be the one,
As ‘ultimate bliss,’ it cannot ever come.

“So I’ll get a great pitch, and I’ll be Cleveland’s ace,
Since bliss shall not come, I will stay in God’s grace,
And this fool of a devil will not take my soul.
He’ll just sit there and squirm as I get on a roll.”

“Mephistopheles,” Fausto Carmona declared.
“I will take up your offer, for I am not scared.”
Then a thick poof of smoke and a sickening thud
And there was a fountain pen dripping with blood,

And a thick sheet of parchment, outlining the deal,
Satan waited for Fausto to sign, which would seal,
Them in contract together, and sign it he did,
Satan laughed his eyes burning, and said “Then I bid

You goodnight Doctor Fausto, until you next pitch,
And I’ll give you the slider, that will make you rich.”
With a stamp of his hooves, first his left, then his right,
The devil did disappear into the night.

2. Part 2 The Gretchen Tragedy

It was 2007 and Fausto pitched well,
And he lived as we wished and had no fear of hell,
For he knew he would never know ultimate bliss,
Even holding his lover and sharing a kiss,

She’s a groupie who he had met out at a bar,
Then they screwed in the back of his luxury car,
He had seen her before, but she hadn’t seen him,
Because she liked the stars who were bright and not dim.

And he’d struggled last year, and he’d not been an ace,
So if he’d asked her out she’d have smacked up his face,
As she flirted with Hafner and Sizemore and such,
A bit, with Martinez, although not too much.

But this year when he pitched with slider from hell,
She started to see Doctor Fausto as well.
She came up to him and said “Buy me a drink?
I’m Gretchen and you’re Doctor Fausto, I think.”

And he kept pitching well ‘cause his slider had bite,
But then one tragic eve Gretchen started a fight
With poor Fausto, she begged him to come to her house,
And meet her old mother, a miserable souse.

He consented, but not without pouting and hate,
Because, truth be told, he had another date
For that evening, with whom he’d been hoping to score,
But for Gretchen, he guessed he would not start a war.

So they went to her house and they met her old mom,
As mom sucked down a drink that she called a car bomb.
But young Fausto was horny, for he’d planned a date,
So he whispered to Gretchen “Hey why should we wait,

To get busy, I think your mom’s gonna pass out,
Then we’ll go to your room, and I’ll whip it on out.”
But Gretchen was wise for she’d seen her mom drink
Thus responded, “She’ll last for a while, I think.”

But Fausto knew lot’s about drinking the booze,
Thus he thought “I know of a drink I can use.”
So he took some Tequila, some vodka and gin
And mixed in Unicum, Hungarian sin,

And brought it to mama a big frothing glass,
Then mom was unconscious, collapsed on her ass.
So then he and Gretchen snuck up to her room,
And made some remarkable va-va-va-vroom.

Then they came downstairs, and the went to the door,
And saw that the mom had fallen to the floor.
With a frothing of mouth and a drooping of head,
It quickly emerged that old mom, now was dead.

In following weeks, well the story got worse,
As Gretchen began to fall under a curse,
She threw up a lot and she didn’t feel well
Her innards they felt like the fires of hell.

So she went to the doctor to see what was up
And he asked her to go and pee into a cup.
When she asked why the doctor had done what he did
He said “Congratulations, your having a kid.”

Meanwhile Fausto was pitching with low ERA
And the Indians surged and they readied to play
‘Gainst the Yankees in Cleveland in Game Number Two
And then Fausto was pitching, so what could he do,

When he heard from his Gretchen, her medical news?
He said, “I’m the father, I think I refuse
To believe that, after all, you have been around
So no I ain’t gonna see no ultrasound.”

But Mephisto, he sent to look in on his girl,
And he sat near her bed, gave his moustache a twirl
And said “Gretchen, I think you’re in trouble by dear,
Our boy Fausto he is a big leaguer I fear.

And you’re just a woman, his object of lust,
With badonkadonk butt and a hell of a bust.
But you’re kicked to the curb now, you’ve nothing to give,
And I think that young Fausto won’t care if you live
Or you die as long, as you stay quite far away,
And, oh I don’t think I would bother to pray,
For you’ve sinned every day, and that’s rather a lot,
So I think that I’ll take you where fire is hot.”

Though Gretchen was shattered, she couldn’t be budged.
Thus Satan he yelled at her “You are now judged!!!”
And she cried as she thought of her loss of her love,
Then she heard a voice calling her up from up above.

“She is saved!” boomed the voice from the heavens on high
And she smiled although she continued to cry.
“And you devil,” God said, “Now be gone lowly knave
I’m not Joe Borowski, I know how to save.”

3. Part 3 The Pact is Concluded

Young Fausto, by Lake Erie was on the mound,
When he felt a strange feeling, both sad and profound,
Like something was lost, yet a burden was lifted,
So he pitched ‘gainst the Yankees as if he were gifted.

He mowed the Yanks down, he pitched a full nine,
But was troubled as Satan did send him a sign.
The game it was close and he gave up a run,
If his team couldn’t score, then he couldn’t have won.

He would lose, take an “L” in the box score that day
And his heart would grow heavy his mind would go gray,
But the insects descended in sickening clouds,
And with wild pitches a run was allowed

That tied up the game, and gave Fausto a chance,
To twirl with his slider and finish the dance.
So he fought through the flies, cause he knew they were friends
And he pitched to the inning that usually ends,

A ball game, unless the score stays even, tied,
At which point the bullpens will have to decide,
Who will win? Who will lose? Who will conquer Game 2,
And thus Doctor Fausto had nothing to do,

But relax and reflect on his brilliance that night,
How he’d owned the Yankees with throws from his right,
Arm of God. “But wait then” he suddenly thought.
My arm’s not from God it is certainly not.

Oh what have I done, I fear something’s amiss,
Did I just for a second, fell ultimate bliss?
“Yes you did,” said a voice, with its familiar call,
But the body was that of his friend Asdrubal.

“I’m Mephisto, that’s right,” said his teammate in gray.
“Who else could have S-D-R-U in his name?”
You felt perfect bliss ‘cause you mastered the Yanks?
Since I let you do it I expect some thanks.

Of course, you were foolish to feel such great joy,
It’s not like your looking at Helen of Troy.
You mastered a team that is good but not great,
But you felt that great joy, and, well, that sealed your fate.

And now your soul’s mine to do with as I please,
So now’d be a good time to fall to your knees.”
“Don’t send me to hell, cause I can’t stand the heat,”
Begged poor Fausto beginning to concede defeat.

“Oh don’t worry ‘bout fire,” Satan said with a grin,
“I prefer to use irony to punish sin.
So you will go to hell, but it won’t be all flames
No I’ll just let you pitch in ALCS games

Against Boston, with Ortiz and Manny and Lowell,
And laugh as you dig yourself into a hole.
Can you deal with the lightening fast Lugo on Crisp
When I take your slider back. What did you lisp.”

“Oh please Satan don’t take that one pitch from my arm,
These Red Sox are deadly and they’ll do me harm.?
“That’s why it’s called hell, so what can I do?
Except let you pitch against poor J.D. Drew.

But even that fellow who’s struggled so much,
Against you tonight will find the magic touch,
To crush balls to center to left and to right,
And then if you’re lucky, it will end your night.

Perhaps you will learn then, perhaps, you will strive,
And know that you’re not the best pitcher alive.
Perhaps in the spring of the following year,
You’ll play ‘gainst the Angles and they’ll sooth your fear.

They’ll burnish your ego and polish your soul
And take you to heaven and make you feel whole,
And up in God’s Kingdom perhaps you’ll pitch well,
But now facing the Red Sox, well, welcome to Hell.”

Well, now we know why he did it. It was so when the devil came for his soul he'd just show him that he wasn't legally the guy who signed the contract.

Oh, and nice work.

#31 jose melendez


  • Earl of Acie


  • 12640 posts

Posted 20 January 2012 - 11:34 AM

Yeah, I'm kind of stunned by how well the poem works with the broad story.

#32 Comfortably Lomb


  • Koko the Monkey


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Posted 20 January 2012 - 11:40 AM

A name too good to be true.

#33 Cumberland Blues

  • 4159 posts

Posted 20 January 2012 - 11:56 AM

were only it the keys to Game 6, this passage would've been truly prophetic....

“Oh please Satan don’t take that one pitch from my arm,
These Red Sox are deadly and they’ll do me harm.?
“That’s why it’s called hell, so what can I do?
Except let you pitch against poor J.D. Drew.

But even that fellow who’s struggled so much,
Against you tonight will find the magic touch,
To crush balls to center to left and to right,
And then if you’re lucky, it will end your night.


all the same - that really is terrific Jose. Bravo.

#34 PhilPlantier

  • 1656 posts

Posted 20 January 2012 - 01:50 PM

Of course, Carmona would make the argument you're making, i.e. no loss causation as a result of the misrepresented age, but I think in a case like this where there would not be a contract (or likely it would be on different terms) but for the misrepresentation, the fact of the induced contract would satisfy any loss causation requirement.


I can certainly see your point with respect to the contract terms being premised on the the Indians' belief that Carmona was younger. Using quantum meruit to offset rescissory damages has some appeal in a case like this, but I don't expect to see it happen. I wish it would, if only so that I could see how the court/arbitrator went about determining value.

#35 AimingForYoko


  • SoSH Member


  • 13982 posts

Posted 20 January 2012 - 02:08 PM

Is the real Fausto still alive? Was there ever a Fausto? So many questions...

But really I just came to re-read the poem. Bravo sir. Bravo.

#36 Reggie's Racquet

  • 1737 posts

Posted 20 January 2012 - 02:15 PM

Can we send John Lackey or Carl Crawford to the Dominican Republic with false ID's?

#37 The Filthy One

  • 696 posts

Posted 20 January 2012 - 02:44 PM

Do you think his friends were like "Okay, it's not that bad. It could work. The Indians are either gonna think "Here comes another jackass 20-year-old with a fake ID or here is Fausto, 17 year-old Dominican organ donor."

Should've gone with McLovin'.

Edited by The Filthy One, 20 January 2012 - 02:50 PM.


#38 Jnai


  • is not worried about sex with goats


  • 9280 posts

Posted 20 January 2012 - 02:50 PM

Does this increase or decrease the value of a Carmona jersey?

Also: Why isn't that article titled "Roberto Hernandez Heredia released on bail"?

Edited by Jnai, 20 January 2012 - 02:51 PM.


#39 Sampo Gida

  • 3113 posts

Posted 20 January 2012 - 07:14 PM

This is probably more common than we think. Age fraud usually involves the player understating their age and not vice versa. Can.t say with any certainty how old any player from the DR and other countries south of the border if they are willing to switch identities with someone who is the desired age (which means documents like birth certificates do not need to be falsified), since that must be real hard to detect .

I wonder who he pissed off to get caught after so long. Maybe his partners wanted a bigger cut.

#40 BucketOBalls


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Posted 20 January 2012 - 09:28 PM

Does this increase or decrease the value of a Carmona jersey?

Also: Why isn't that article titled "Roberto Hernandez Heredia released on bail"?


Probably because nobody would click on that headline.

#41 backpeddling

  • 158 posts

Posted 21 January 2012 - 12:15 PM


http://www.rotoworld.../fausto-carmona

During an appearance on ESPN's "Outside the Lines" on Friday, Pedro Gomez reported that Fausto Carmona was outed several weeks ago on a popular radio show in Santo Domingo by the mother of the real Fausto Carmona.

According to the report, Carmona (aka Roberto Hernandez Heredia) had been paying the family of the real Carmona for the use of his identification and refused to increase payments after the Indians picked up his $7 million club option. The U.S. government subsequently began an investigation following the interview and arrested Heredia when he went to apply for his work visa earlier this week. The Indians have refused comment on the situation, saying only that they are in the process of "still gathering information." On Friday, the club acquired Kevin Slowey from the Rockies as insurance for their starting rotation.



Source: ESPN.com
Jan 21 - 10:08 AM


#42 MentalDisabldLst


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Posted 21 January 2012 - 06:20 PM

so he was doing right by the guy whose identity he, uh, "borrowed", and they blackmailed him for more, followed through on the threats, and now they may get nothing. Smart on all sides.

Jose, that was an incredible fucking effort of a poem. You should submit it to McSweeney's - it's right up their alley - and timely in light of these events.

#43 DrewDawg


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Posted 22 January 2012 - 09:29 AM

so he was doing right by the guy whose identity he, uh, "borrowed", and they blackmailed him for more, followed through on the threats, and now they may get nothing. Smart on all sides.


Well, we don't know if he was doing right. Perhaps he was supposed to give a certain percentage and with his bump in salary he refused. I don't really feel bad for him.

#44 Lynchie

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Posted 22 January 2012 - 02:00 PM

I think the greatest crime here is his contract.

#45 Yaz4Ever


  • sucking on the government teat


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Posted 23 January 2012 - 12:16 AM

maybe the real Fausto's mom should have kept her mouth shut. I've read enough stories about kids in the DR playing ball with milk cartons on their hands for gloves to assume that anything he was giving them probably went a long way. She got greedy and all hell broke loose.

As for Fausto, he was breaking the law so I don't feel badly for him at all.

What would Ugueth Urbina have done if the mom tried to blackmail him?

#46 jose melendez


  • Earl of Acie


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Posted 23 January 2012 - 03:49 PM

Okay, I sent it to McSweeney's. I expect to hear nothing.

#47 steveluck7

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Posted 23 January 2012 - 04:22 PM

What would Ugueth Urbina have done if the mom tried to blackmail him?

Not sure exactly but im willing to bet it'd involve a machete and gasoline