2437 replies to this topic

[John Marzano Olympic Hero]

This is a thread where Simmons hasn't managed to sleep with any of your mothers and also did not run over your dogs. It's the home for the anti-Pavlovian response to any of his columns. No group think here to decide what error/statement/detail proves that simmons never should have left Boston and is no longer a true fan.

Seriously, this is the place to enjoy his writings little bit. Think of him less as an authoritative subject and more as a thought provoker. In here, you're supposed to read a column and agree with his takes on some games, and disagree with some others. This place is only for guy banter, the type of things you do with your buddies who you gamble with where you pull out some ridiculous reason why the Seahawks are going to beat the spread this week.

Go ahead brahs, take it away!

[AlNipper49]

DAMN YOU. I'll close mine

[Burt Reynoldz]

I wish Bill Simmons would write about his fantasy football team more.

[Grin&MartyBarret]

Wait, you mean the Bill Simmons who revolutionized the way that we use Twitter, right?

[tims4wins]

Bill Simmons makes my dumps so much better.

To steal a line from him, I don't think he'll be printing that as a quote on the back of his book.

[Vinho Tinto]

Is this the thread to wonder why he's not writing enough or should people stick with 2.0?

[mikeford]

Wait, you mean the Bill Simmons who revolutionized the way that we use Twitter, right?

I wouldn't know, he blocked me from following him cuz I said mean things about him in the other thread.

[fairlee76]

His running diaries during the NBA Finals really added to my viewing experience.

[NickEsasky]

I never would have heard about the Wire without Bill Simmons.

[CJM]

The sarcasm is either overwhelming or entirely absent.

I find his Red Sox views intriguing, and would like to subscribe to his newsletter, if such a thing were possible.

Also, the lilting, sexual chocolate of his whiskey-soaked baritone.

Edited by CJM, 09 September 2010 - 04:18 PM.

[Huntington Avenue Grounds]

You're nodding your head as you read this.

(I will now light myself on fire)

[JohntheBaptist]

You guys are fucking groupthinking again. WHAT did we talk about?

[John Marzano Olympic Hero]

This is NOT guy banter, you guys.

Real ball busting is free snark, sarcasm and cynicism.

[The Social Chair]

I thought it was pretty funny in the last article when he compared being a fan of ____ team in ___ city to being a battered wife. Or when he compared somebody to being a nagging wife!

[PBDWake]

Seriously, guys, we just had to close the last thread. All SoSH posters may now proceed to light themselves on fire.

[Rocco Graziosa]

Wow. This is literally the worst Simmons thread yet.

[Rustjive]

Wow. This is literally the worst Simmons thread yet.

The thread was working for the first 60 minutes before the book tour knocked it off its stride.

[AlNipper49]

I can picture Rocco reading this thread. You know how I picture him?

The Rocco Face

[LMontro]

I bet this thread becomes very popular, ya know, if gambling were legal

[gmogmo]

If Bob Kraft ran this thread, I bet he'd shut it down because he's such a miser.

[NoXInNixon]

This thread is the best, around. Nothing's gonna ever keep it down.

[Billy Jo Robidoux]

Raise your hand if you like this thread.

(Raising hand.)

[PBDWake]

...getting there...

...almost there...

Yup, these are my posters.

Edited by PBDWake, 10 September 2010 - 09:22 AM.

[CoolPapaBellhorn]

This thread is boring. We need more fun handshakes and fewer white guys with prep school names.

[DegenerateSoxFan]

SoSH now has an entire threaddevoted to mocking the recycled themes. I wish I were making this up.

[Hendu for Kutch]

Too many posts. Podcast these thoughts and link to them, OK? I want to know what Cousin Sal and Hench think about them.

[scottyno]

this thread is on a hot streak, need to keep playing before they call for a dealer change and bring in the old lady to shut us down

[weeba]

This is why women shouldn't be posting in this thread. If my wife was posting in this thread, this would have become a catfight by now.

[scottyno]

This is why women shouldn't be posting in this thread. If my wife was posting in this thread, this would have become a catfight by now.

she'd also be beating all of us in gambling picks

[Burt Reynoldz]

I don't care how great you all say this thread is, I refuse to post here. In fact, the more people that tell me how it's the best thread of all time, the less I want to read it.

[BrotherMouzone]

This thread plus LAC #1 to Denver for Carmelo.

Who says no?

[ifmanis5]

Chuck Klosterman thinks this thread is whack. Thread has no come back for that.

[Huntington Avenue Grounds]

I was too busy at the celebrity handball tourney with Levi Johnson and Erik Estrada to read this thread live, but it has taken a turn that nobody expected and since I can't do my job in real time any longer, this calls for a retro diary!

9/9 4:16 PM

JMOH opens the proceedings with a throw down for peace and decorum, which considering the subject is like saying the "Jersey Shore" characters need to be sober and respectful.

4:25 PM

Burt Reynoldz lands the first jab with the fantasy football comment. (Speaking of which, has there ever been a more terrifying moment for fantasy owners than reading the initial report of Tom Brady's car accident? There must have been a rush to the phones/email of guys trying to unload him for Jake Delhomme straight up, hoping the other guy had not gotten the news yet. Every league has that type of underhanded guy who takes too many liberties with the rules, tell you what's what and generally tries to ruin everybody's fun. For some reason the always refer to them as the "Simmons" of the leagues I'm in.)

(And another thing, who could have seen Burt Reynolds going from the Bandit to Boss Hogg? Sure, he's had more surgeries and his face looks like it might jump off his face and dance on the table like Lindsay Lohan, but has there been a bigger downturn in a guy's coolness in the history of Earth?)


4:26 PM

Grin&MartyBarret brings up Twitter and how Simmons can single handedly manage to figure out new and creative definitions for narcissism (that's my read on it and I'm always right). It's like when I broke the story about Brady's injury last year, nobody was talking about it all all, but throw a couple of references to twitter out there and BOOM, the story broke. Can't remember exactly what the "story" was but I'll take full credit.

Reminds me of when Adam Corolla tweeted about the dump he was taking this summer. It went on for hours and he just kept updating, if he and I ever did a Twitter version of "Road Rules Challenge" we would be unstoppable.

4:30 PM

Vinho Tinto brings up 2.0, which is kind of like saying you should stick with "Karate Kid II" rather than "Karate Kid III.

4:47 PM

Talking about running diaries, I think this idea should be brought to all aspects of our lives. Sure, you can get it from me with selected sporting events (sometimes even live) and at movies theaters but how about in line at the bank, at the strip club or in the casino? Who wouldn't want this in their lives? I wish I could patent ideas like "Talking incessantly about nothing to nobody in particular", I'd be rich.

5:01 PM

CJM is the first to swing for the fences with THREE lines thrown in. I guess he figures if it's a pile on he wants to be in on the ground floor. It's like when you know after the first drunken night on "Real World" which roommate is doomed and the others start plotting against them to save themselves and to see how long it will take for that person to snap.

6:43 PM

JMOH tries to bring the thread down to earth from the crazy heights that it seems headed, but like that person on "Melrose Place" that's always doing something you can't reason with them, just let it flow and see where it leads.

And what is is with JMOH anyway? I'd say more but the SOSH editors are shocking me with electrodes right now, plus, I'm a hopeless suck up and want to be a member someday so talking bad about anybody that might help me would be a bad career move.

11:26 PM

Rocco gets the night shift into gear with the perfect note of sarcasm, tweaking and disdain. I'd say he's like a young me, but only time will tell. If he ends up comfortable, secure and the embodiment of everything he's railed against for so many years then he's nailed it.

11:31 PM

Some drama! Rustjive calls the thread for having a great start then falling short. That reminds me, how many comedies of the past 10 years started great then just fell off a cliff for the last 30-60 minutes, making them nearly great but almost as unwatchable since you know how it could have turned out if they had the focus and determination to carry it through? I think my list would go something like this:

1. Wedding crashers
2. Borat
3. Old School


9/10 8:23 AM

After some parting shots last night we kick off the morning with another lurker throwing his opinion around. It's going over like my ideas at a writers pitch meeting at the old Jimmy Kimmel Show.


8:47 AM

The first "Karate Kid" reference in the thread! I have the over/under at 5.2 references.


10:25 AM

CoolPapaBellhorn throws the handshake argument into the mix. If the 2010 Sox had just managed to learn a few funky handshakes then all the middle relief problems would be solved, Dustin doesn't foul that ball off his foot because he's practicing his new "Kalish Knish" shake where he puts on a leprechaun hat and smacks both of Ryan's cheeks, Jacoby never hurts his ribs and has 175 steals (plus four induced heart attacks in opposing pitchers) and they are running away with the division.


10:30 AM

Speaking of podcasts, JBug is about to get his own podcast to talk about how being associated with me is so great. His first guest? JackO.



11:08 AM

scottyno brings up a good point about hot streaks; how great I am at them. It's like when I spent 94 hours straight on the NBA trade machine and had every deal work. Why can't I be in charge of a team? I'd run it just like my new BFF Isiah Thomas did, only with more tweets and less sexual harassment suits. I think Isiah's biggest problem was hiring a woman in the first place? Do they have any business in sports really? It's like putting Snookie in charge of the AA meetings in your town, it's gonna end badly and you have nobody to blame but yourself.

When my wife got pregnant the first time I bet $100 it was a girl (you know, if gambling were legal) and the second time I changed it up and went with boy (another winner) so I'm 2 for 2, perfect record. I'm calling it the Babifesto and if you follow it to the letter you will come out ahead in the long term.

- have sex (with a woman)

- impregnate her

- upon learning from her that you are a gonna be a baby daddy, do the following (this is the important part)

- take coin out of pocket

- flip

- while in air, decide if heads will be boy or girl

- read coin (when it hits the ground)

Now, since women always get in the way, like that game where the ref heard the wrong call on the coin flip, if this happens simply get pouty and refuse to play any longer.

-------


And now for the first ever "future diary"

1:08 PM

Calling out a poor attempt at a running diary by pointing to the fact that you have to have read a LOT of Simmons work to even attempt something like this. It's like the Situation throwing out the first pitch at a Mets game. Sure, there are plenty of drunken idiots in attendance, buy why this guy?

[John Marzano Olympic Hero]

That was pretty good. Well done.

[weeba]

Well done.

[Spacemans Bong]

KLOSTERMAN!

[dirtynine]

That was awesome.

[Sille Skrub]

I was too busy at the celebrity handball tourney with Levi Johnson and Erik Estrada to read this thread live, but it has taken a turn that nobody expected and since I can't do my job in real time any longer, this calls for a retro diary!

*snip*

Welcome aboard.

[Huntington Avenue Grounds]

Welcome aboard.

Damn, I put up a half assed, unresearched, factually incorrect piece of crap and get a membership? I don't know why Simmons left here in the first place.

Thanks.

[cleanfloor]

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

[LMontro]

Time to put HAG in the pantheon.

[Weis's FrontButt]

Beautiful. Now forward it to Simmons and let the condescending twitter potshots begin.

(nodding my head)

[kelpapa]

That was awesome.

[dirtynine]

once upon a time I started keeping a running list of Simmons' worst repeat-offender tropes. This seems like the right place to unleash it. I don't really keep it updated anymore, so I'm probably missing many. Why I did this... I don't really understand. I guess I was waiting for this thread to happen.

Exclamations
"Screw it, "
"will never, ever, EVER happen again"
"isn't remotely close"
"[x] was the highlight of [y]"
"I DEMAND that" [thing happens]
"We know this."
"How does this happen?"
"Let's just move on."
"Whatever"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, [x]!"
"wagering heavily on [x]"
"more on this in a second"
"I will now [light myself on fire]"
"[x] brings nothing to the table"
"Tell me you wouldn't watch this."
"(Or not.)"
"[thing] the most intriguing subplot of [situation]"
"I'm giddy."
"I'm beyond [emotion]."
"Just trust me on this."
"Put it this way: [x]"
"In a goofy way, [x]."

Recurrent Language & Phrases
[person/thing] "is prominently involved"
[person/thing] "isn't remotely possible"
[person/thing] "is coming in waves"
"breaking [person/thing] down in sections"
"probably the single [most/worst/absolute adjective] [thing] of [scenario]"
"tremendous upside"
[person/thing] "is firmly entrenched in the [metaphor] phase of his career"
"put on a clinic"
"[thing that], over everything else, [is thing]"
"[person] is available."
"[situation] is right in [person's] wheelhouse"
"[thing] has to happen."
"[situation] never would have happened if [washed-up person] was alive"
"I can't remember a more satisfying [occasion]"
"Can I get a ruling on this?"
"Right in [person]'s wheelhouse"
"[person/thing] has lost their fastball"
"You have to love [thing]"
"My favorite random subplot of [thing/event]"
"Admit it, you're nodding your head right now."

Descriptors
"Homeless Man's" [person]
"Evolutionary" [person]
"The [person] Era"
"[something]-esque"

Prepositions / Openers
"Just an..." or "Just the..."
"This..." ("This has to happen." / "This seems like a good time to mention that...")
"Easily the..."
"Seriously,"
"Bottom line:"
"For instance,"
"Wait,"
"Here's the thing - "
"And yet,"
"Meanwhile,"
"So,"
"Hold on,"
"That said,"

Words you see often
remotely
officially
collectively
legitimately
improbably
unequivocally
inexplicably
openly
potentially
apparently
suddenly
inevitably
incredibly
firmly
easily
rarely
staggeringly
unquestionably
heavily
actively
increasingly
invariably
routinely
seriously
unflinchingly
practically
insanely
personally
eventually
enjoyably
grimly
basically
slowly
blatantly
intermittently
abnormally
secretly
narrowly
actually
slew
somehow
involving
lingering
tremendous

UPPER CASE Adjectives
"FANTASTIC"
"UNREAL"
"LEGITIMATELY"

Buddies (incomplete)
Sports Gal
Dooze (dog) [ed - now touchingly deceased]
Dad
J-Bug
Hench
Kimmel
Corola ("Ace")
J-Brick
JackO
Bish
Sal
Hopper
Stoner
Gus

Recurrent Jokes
"The [Sport, usually NBA]... it's Fannnnntastic"
"Yup... Those are my readers."
"Reason number [xxx] why..."
"That's [xxx]'s music!!!"
"If gambling were legal (which it's not)"
"Let's break it down, Dr. Jack style"
"ESPN editors are currently electroshocking me"
"[Lame player X]! [Lame player Y]! It's the [player's sport] on [network Z]!"
"[Wild assertion after several true statements]... ok, I made that last part up."
Recurrent "Theories" and Concepts (that won't make the SG Glossary)Driving the [x] Bandwagon
Gambling Manifesto
"An 'I'm Keith Hernandez' Moment"
VP of Common Sense

Tendencies / Usage
Absolute comparisons:
- as in: "which is either the best [thing] or the absolute worst [thing] ever created" or "[x] is the single hardest skill in sports"

Prepositions: uses "this" absolutely
- as in: "I think we need a ruling on this."

Nicknames: Creates nicknames that no one else uses, then refuses to refer to the named personin any other fashion.
- as in: ("Bassy" Telfair, "Big Shot Brob" Horry, "Chaz" Batch)

Third-person Italics: Constructing a sub-persona to provide either counterpoint or backup to an argument being made; change in voice indicated by itallics.
- as in:
What did we see? Excuses. Lots of them. You know, like these ...
He spent half the season playing with one hand. … He's only 18. … He's just a serene guy by nature. …

Third-person Interruptions: Constructing a sentence by creating an extended second voice to name a concept, and jamming into running text.
- as in:
Meanwhile, Danny sprung into action publicly with the whole, "Say what you want about Doc, but the young guys are really coming along!" routine.

Parenthetical Sentence-Paragraphs: Using single-phrase parentheticals as consecutive paragraphs to make a joke-point.
- as in: (Hold on, I hate even bringing this up, it makes me feel sick...)
(Deep breath ... )
(All right ... )

Dashed Paranthetical: Using double-dash interruptions to insert an adjective-heavy clause into a sentence.
- as in:
Then the 2006 season happened -- a fluky gambling season in which an inordinate amount of underdogs cover -- and I ended up throwing all my rules out the window.

Ellipses: Incomplete, "notes"-like thoughts, separated by ellipses, and presented in packs of 6-8.

Double Verbs: Using a descriptor for both an action and a noun in immediate vicinity.
- as in:
..and nearly killing a leaping Coco Crisp in the process

and to simplify this point, frequent use of a preceding adjective:
- as in:
Then, a surging Golden State team exposed every chink in Dallas' armor

Style Points
Publishing letters that are derivative of his style
Readers agreeing after the fact
Impersonating others in the form of satiric quotes
Thoughts in italics
Vegas-related "insider" information
Extra-effort to "bookend" columns at the conclusion
Mistakes that are explained away in the following column
Claiming to have seen momentous sporting moments live on TV, not after the fact
Excellency at Wagering
Excellency at Fantasy Sports
Allergies / sickness
Self-congratulation

Column Templates
Mailbags
Comparing or "awarding" quotes from movies to personalities or events
Countdowns with Groupings or Tiers
Movie reviews (not so much these days)
Running Diaries (or retro diaries)
The "Thoughtful" Piece (see Mike Tyson)
Picks Columns
Blog entry followed by links (old skool SG)

Edited by dirtynine, 10 September 2010 - 02:01 PM.

[mikeford]

Damn, I put up a half assed, unresearched, factually incorrect piece of crap and get a membership?

NO ONE DENIES THIS

[JimD]

once upon a time I started keeping a running list of Simmons' worst repeat-offender tropes. This seems like the right place to unleash it. I don't really keep it updated anymore, so I'm probably missing many. Why I did this... I don't really understand. I guess I was waiting for this thread to happen.

What ... no love for Joe the Alcoholic Counter Guy?

[Huntington Avenue Grounds]

NO ONE DENIES THIS

The lesson, as always, is that I'm an idiot.

[Burt Reynoldz]

once upon a time I started keeping a running list of Simmons' worst repeat-offender tropes. This seems like the right place to unleash it. I don't really keep it updated anymore, so I'm probably missing many. Why I did this... I don't really understand. I guess I was waiting for this thread to happen.

Can someone out there with computer savvy somehow take this list and create the Simmons meme generator? Like, a webpage where you type in a noun/topic/whatever, and it spits out some pithy remark that sounds like Simmons wrote it?

[Huntington Avenue Grounds]

Can someone out there with computer savvy somehow take this list and create the Simmons meme generator? Like, a webpage where you type in a noun/topic/whatever, and it spits out some pithy remark that sounds like Simmons wrote it?

Ran into this a while ago, did not try it all out but it seems that if you use dirtynine's list with this you have a winner.

Be your own Sports Guy

[dwightinright]

You guys are just jealous. If you think you can do better, start your own thread.