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4/25-Boston at Cleveland-Schilling vs. Westbrook
Posted 25 April 2006 - 08:36 AM
One streak stopped on Sunday.
Another one starts tonight.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 08:44 AM
I just got back from vacation and I swear I saw Roger at the Spa Palace near Playa Del Carmen, at least it looked just like him (and he was with chick that looked like Eva Braun!). He was putting ketsup on his ribeye.
Curt makes me forget all about Roger.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 09:48 AM
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. As David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez and Jason Varitek were collecting their silver sluggers, Varitek and Mike Lowell were picking up their 24 carat mitts, and Ortiz was scooping up the Edgar Martinez “Liability in the Field”Award Thursday evening, Jose was picking up some hardware of his own. Unbeknownst to him, even as the Red Sox were showered in baseball equipment made out of various precious metals awards, the earliest copies of the Boston Phoenix proclaiming KEYS TO THE GAME Best of Boston were hitting the news boxes between the Roommate Guide and the Epoch Times throughout Greater Boston. (Note: Technically, it appears that Boston Magazine, where Jose was once an intern, owns the “Best of Boston” franchise, which they award seven to eight times per year, leaving the Phoenix the far less alliterative “The Best of the City” awards. Of course, they don’t say what city, so maybe it isn’t even Boston. It could be Lowell or Framingham, except Framingham is technically a town. No, it’s probably Boston or at worst Somerville.)
In being one of four Red Sox blogs honored in the category “Best Red Sox Internet Sites That Aren’t Boston Dirt Dogs” KEYS joined elite company honored in the annual awards including such local luminaries as legalized ticket custerers (note: remember, Jose doesn’t use the term “scalpers”) Ace Ticket Agency, the bathroom at the Omni Parker House, and perhaps most disappointingly of all, Lenny DiNardo. Come on, maybe Jose is as sleazy as Ace Tickets and as full of sh*t as the bathroom at the Parker House, but he sucks a lot less than Lenny DiNardo.
There was no awards ceremony for Jose to gather a trophy, or even a trophy for that matter. No swag to bring back to Melendezville. No fine wines and rich caviar resting on creamy thrones of whipped butter. No opportunity to even make a few remarks, to thank the people who helped Jose to get where he is today. In fact, Jose didn’t even know about the honor until a reader sent him a note. So how should Jose react? He is, of course, happy to get some recognition. (Note: Though he did notice that since both he and empyrealenvirons.com were honored, two of the four bloggers cited are at least marginally of Japanese descent. Given that there are only about five Japanese Americans in Boston and Jose is related to two of them, this seems odd, perhaps even sinister. Maybe Michael Crichton will write a book about how the Japanese are taking over Red Sox blogging as part of a scheme to perpetrate fraud about global warming. By the way shouldn’t Crichton be pro-global warming? Won’t it kill the dinosaurs that will be running amuck soon?)
On the other hand, Jose is a Red Sox fan. He is never satisfied with anything short of a World Championship, and he isn’t satisfied with that for too long. Still, he would like his moment to shine, to reflect on his accomplishment, but the Phoenix denied him that, and all because, technically speaking, it is not an actual award. So Jose will make his acceptance speech right here, in this very ring... errr.. blog. And since it’s Jose’s space, he can go on for as long as he wants with no damn band interrupting him, not that it would matter since this isn’t an audioblog. Besides, you wouldn’t want to hear Jose speak. When Jose actually speaks in the third person, it sounds sort of weird.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Phoenix. Jose doesn’t know what to say. Thus, he will ramble on for between 800 and 1,300 words as is his custom. Jose is touched that you have chosen to honor his work by presenting him the “Best Red Sox Internet Sites that Aren’t Boston Dirt Dogs” Award. Though Jose will confess, he is a little bit puzzled by the name of the award. He could understand if it was just called the “Best Red Sox Internet Sites” Award or even “The Best Red Sox Internet Sites that aren’t Sons of Sam Horn” Award. That would make sense. That would be like having an award called the “American League Most Valuable Player Who Isn’t David Ortiz” and then giving it to Alex Rodriguez, which, if Jose recalls, is what Major League baseball did last year. But Boston Dirt Dogs? That’s a little weird. It’s like having an award called the American League Most Valuable Player who isn’t Paul Bako Award. Technically, it narrows the field, but not really. (Note: Have you noticed that Jose is using the word technically a lot today? He is feeling legalistic.)
Still, it is a great honor. Now, on to the complaining!
For those of you who haven’t gotten to read the citation, it contains wonderful words of praise for yours truly and several factual errors, which Jose would like to publicly contest. First, the citation claims that Jose offers his thoughts 162 times a year. This is of course, nonsense. Under the collective bargaining agreement negotiated by the International Brotherhood of Bloggers, Essayists and Schizophrenics local 187, Jose isn’t allowed to put in more that a five day week unless he receives time and half, and one and a half times the $0 he currently makes is way, way beyond the Most Valuable Network’s budget.
Second, the citation says of the KEYS, most “have nothing to do with the game.” Wrong, wrong, wrong. It is sad that the Phoenix thinks this, and it speaks poorly of the editorial staff’s understanding of the deep complexity of the game of baseball. Frankly, if you can’t see what pro wrestler Irwin R. Shyster and Spiderman villain The Gibbon have to do with tonight’s matchup between the Sox and Indians, Jose sort of wonders why you even bother watching the games.
But maybe Jose is being too harsh. Sometimes he forgets that he is operating on an entirely different level from most people. You know the old expression “everyone else is playing checkers, he’s playing chess,” used to describe someone who is approaching a problem with a far more sophisticated approach than his rivals or colleagues? Well that only begins to describe what is happening here. Let’s try to broaden the metaphor. If one created a continuum of baseball strategy, Grady Little would be playing Chutes and Ladders (note: Jose was going to say war, but he is skeptical that Grady would remember which is higher, a five or a nine), Joe Morgan would be playing checkers, Terry Eurona would be playing chess and Jose would be planning D-Day. So for those of you who can’t see the connection between the Tanzimat in Ottoman Turkey and the movement on Curt Euro’s fastball, trust Jose, it is very, very important.
Finally, Jose would like to complain about being described as erudite. Sure erudite is a compliment, a high compliment really, but look it up, it means “Characterized by erudition; learned.” Jose speaks in the third person for God sake? How can he possibly be described as erudite? Has anyone ever described Ricky Henderson as erudite. No, so how can Jose possibly qualify.
In conclusion, thank you for bestowing this honor upon Jose and can you please send him a crappy certificate to put up in the window of his apartment.
2. F*ck Rudy Seanez. That is all.
3. There’s a new team making a powerful bid in the Roger Clemens sweepstakes – the independent (and independent-thinking) Brockton Rox.
What do you mean that sounds familiar? Are you accusing Jose of plagiarism? Just because Pete Goodwin wrote the exact same words on Page D5 of the Boston Globe this morning Jose isn’t allowed to write the exact same thing and claim it as his own? Really? Huh. What if Jose internationalizes it, changes the first phrase to “Es un Nuevo team making a powerful bid.” That’d be cool right?
Okay, you caught Jose. He figured that if plagiarism was good enough to land both a Harvard Sophomore and the President of Raytheon on the front page of the Globe this morning maybe it would give Jose some free PR too, or as they call it in the business “earned media.”
Well, Jose guesses there’s no room for another plagiarist in this town. Still, he does have something to say about the Rox’s offer to Clemens. The Rox are offering Clemens $3,000 per month in salary, so obviously he is not going to accept. The question is, how much would they have to offer him to get him on the field? The way Jose figures it, it is totally dependent on other offers. If the Yankees offered him $20 million, the Rox would probably need to offer, $20,000,001 to get him to show up in Brockton. Oh, come on. Roger needs that money to finance research on additional names beginning with the letter “K.” Jose heard it got so bad that he was contemplating naming his next child Kareem, and in this security environment, that’s a big risk.
So it’s established that Roger will pitch for any professional team for a few extra dollars, but this ignores the real question. How much would it take to get Clemens to be a ringer for Jose’s beer league softball team? Even more importantly could he be counted on to pitch well in the league championship? Jose is thinking no.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 10:18 AM
Posted 25 April 2006 - 10:22 AM
Posted 25 April 2006 - 12:00 PM
It's on. No Deebo necessary.
And yes, I realize it's a dime ... that ... the uh, Indians can drop to call they moma!
Posted 25 April 2006 - 12:12 PM
Edited by Charley Weir, 25 April 2006 - 12:12 PM.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 12:13 PM
Edited by Charley Weir, 25 April 2006 - 12:28 PM.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 04:26 PM
1. Kevin Youkilis, 1B
2. Mark Loretta, 2B
3. David Ortiz, DH
4. Manny Ramirez, LF
5. Trot Nixon, RF
6. Jason Varitek, C
7. Mike Lowell, 3B
8. Willie Harris, CF
9. Alex Gonzalez, SS
Curt Schilling, P
1. Grady Sizemore, CF
2. Jason Michaels, LF
3. Jhonny Peralta, SS
4. Travis Haffner, DH
5. Victor Martinez, C
6. Ben Broussard, 1B
7. Ronnie Belliard, 2B
8. Aaron Boone, 3B
9. Casey Blake, RF
Jake Westbrook P
edit - that 8/9 boston is rolling out is pathetic. We need Coco back BIG TIME
Edited by normstalls, 25 April 2006 - 04:27 PM.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 04:29 PM
8. Willie Harris, CF
:: headdesk ::
I understand that Stern needs consistent at bats... but he could've had three more weeks of them up here. Ugh. I want Coco back.
Regardless, I would like a win tonight. G38 needs to go to 5-0, and Paps needs his record-tying 9th save.
Let's do this.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 05:13 PM
Posted 25 April 2006 - 05:26 PM
This is an excellent point.
I understand that Stern needs consistent at bats... but he could've had three more weeks of them up here. Ugh.
Are they really afraid of Willie Harris exercising his escape clause (tied to the April 20 deadline in his contract)? If he leaves, BFD.
But no matter, Schilling will absolutely overpower these douche bags.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 05:31 PM
I wonder if they know that Mohr is 2-3 with a 2B off of Westbrook, loves extreme GB pitchers (like Westbrook), adores extreme control artists (like Westbrook), likes guys with a low BABIP (like Westbrook) . . . actually, if they knew all that, one would wonder (rhetorically) why Harris was in CF anyway. Westbrook's platoon split is just a little larger than usual.
8. Willie Harris, CF
Posted 25 April 2006 - 05:44 PM
Willie Harris = Cesar Crespo;
Cesar Crespo = guy who should have been strapped to a rocket and launched into the sun after 3 games;
Therefore, Willie Harris = guy who should have been strapped to a rocket and launched into the sun after 3 games.
I mean, the team is having trouble scoring runs and they're still consistently running out the (theoretically) glove-heaviest option on the Harris-Mohr-Pena spectrum every day against righties.
I mean, what the sainted fuck. Really.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 05:52 PM
Tonight - A slight chance of rain showers and sleet before 10pm. Areas of frost after 10pm. Otherwise, partly cloudy, with a low near 33. North wind between 14 and 17 mph becoming calm. Chance of precipitation is 20%.
Yikes. Current temp is 43.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 06:16 PM
Posted 25 April 2006 - 06:23 PM
Posted 25 April 2006 - 06:27 PM
Posted 25 April 2006 - 06:30 PM
"Lowell's numbers were down last year..."
Posted 25 April 2006 - 06:31 PM
Christ, the only time he can't make an out is when he's trying.
Edited by Joe D Reid, 25 April 2006 - 06:31 PM.
Posted 25 April 2006 - 06:31 PM
Calling Dustan Mohr!
Posted 25 April 2006 - 06:33 PM