2349 replies to this topic

[jose melendez]

10/5/07--ALDS GAME 2: Angles in the Outfield, History on Parade

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Let’s review how we got here from there shall we? Yes, it will be as confusing one of those mapquest maps that directs you to go from Back Bay to Allston via the Callahan, Sumner and Holland tunnels, but this is important; it is the playoffs after all, and we need to do it.

So let’s get to work and review the series of appalling events that led to Joe Melendez, your humble servant, starting the Sons of Sam Horn game thread for the first game of the American League Division Series and now to him starting the thread for the second game.

(Note: Since most of the historical record has been destroyed in Nixonian fashion (subnote: by a secretary), it is particularly important for Jose to document the tragicomic events of October 3. It is also the reason that most of the of the times are wrong.)

1:00 AM Jose is haunted by demons.
1:02 AM Jose contemplates whether he is really being haunted or accidentally took peyote.
1:30 AM Jose writes about demons.
1:45 AM Jose writes clever comparison of ALDS and Norman Conquest of England. People will love this!
1:55 AM Jose throw together crappy third KEY as usual.
2:00 AM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
2:01 AM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
2:02 AM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
2:03 AM SosH server is down
2:20 AM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
2:21 AM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
2:22 AM Jose decides that if no one is going to start a game thread he might as well proofread KEYS.
3:00 AM Proofreading complete. Errors found 1,600.
3:01 AM Jose ponders how there can be 1,600 errors in a 1,500 word piece?
3:05 AM Jose concludes that he had at leas 700 distinct errors in spelling Houshmanzadeh alone.
3:06 AM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
3:07 AM Sleep, blissful sleep.
8:00 AM Jose wakes up .
8:01 AM Jose smiles. There’s a game today.
8:05 AM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
8:30 AM Jose leaves for work
9:00 AM Jose arrives at work
9:01 AM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
9:02 AM Coffee break.
11:00 AM Return from coffee break.
11:01 AM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
11:32 AM Posts KEYS on keystothegame.blogspot.com
11:35 Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
11:36 AM Jose contemplates starting game thread on SoSH.
11:36 AM Jose concludes that only a complete moron would start the game thread when it has been made abundantly clear that Curt Euro is going to start it. Moreover, why would Jose want to have game starting responsibilities when it means he has to rush through writing KEYS rather than posting them at 2ish on game day?
11:37 AM Jose rewards his clear thinking with additional coffee.
12:00 Noon Lunch meeting.
1:40 PM Unbeknownst to Jose some guy he has never heard of starts game thread declaring the start of the Red Sox-Indians series.
1:41 PM 60 posters point out that unless this guy has invented a way back machine and taken us to 1995, 1998 or 1999 match up in thread title is wrong.
1:42 PM Thread starter claims he will take us back to 1999 in his DeLorean, so thread title will be correct.
1:43 PM Same poster starts “Views and News” thread called “Iraq: Putting down the Indian insurgency.
1:44-2:45 PM Abuse. Constant abuse.
2:00 PM Jose returns from meeting
2:01 PM Jose checks to see if SoSH game thread is up yet.
2:02 PM Jose sees game thread, concludes that yes, he must have inadvertently taken peyote, because that is the only explanation for why he is seeing that some guy he never heard of has started the playoff game thread and why is throwing up.
2:03 PM Jose waits patiently.
2:04 PM Jose sends moderator Sille Skrub message asking if this is going to be the game thread.
2:05-2:45PM Jose waits impatiently.
2:46 PM Jose says to hell with it and posts KEYS in idiotic, now seven page thread.
2:51 PM Curt Euro posts in now eight-page thread saying. “I was going to stop by and start the game thread since we did it back in 2004, but once Jose posts his keys, in my mind, that game thread is on.....
Let's put together a nice streak, win, say, 11 games before anyone else and I'll throw alcohol all over those of you that attend the parade.....”
2:52 PM Jose blushes.
2:53 PM Jose sends Curt Euro message to everyone he knows
2:54 PM Jose posts message from Curt Euro on keystothegame.blogspot.com
2:55 PM Jose fantasizes that if Curt Euro has read KEYS there is a chance, just a chance, that Red Sox players also call Papelbon strike outs “pap smears.”
2:56 PM Jose contemplates sending Curt Euro evite to candlepin bowling party.
2:57 PM Jose starts telling liberal colleagues he has a Republican friend now.
2:58 PM Jose draws stick figure picture of Jose and Curt in sailboat. They are having fun!
2:59 PM Jose thinks about pointing out flaw in Curt's slide step to him.
3:00 PM SoSH moderator AlNipper49 deletes thread.
3:01 PM Jose feels like Sean Connery in movie “Medicine Man” after finding, then losing cure for cancer.
3:03 PM As he cannot prove that Curt knows who he is any more, Jose contemplates spending life chasing after ants or whatever like Connery in stupid movie.
3:04-3:24 PM Crying, lots of crying.
3:25 PM First suggestion that Jose start the game thread.
3:27 PM Gay community declares support for Jose starting game thread.
3:32 PM Jose starts game thread, leads with Curt Euro quote
3:33 PM First complaint that Jose has spelled Angels “Angles.”
3:34 PM Jose comes to jarring realization that either most Americans are woefully undereducated about pre-Norman England or most people don’t actually read KEYS, Jose concludes that either way, country is doomed.
3:34 PM Panda!

And that was pretty much how we got here from there. After all the chaos, all the madness, the Red Sox won, the Angles lost (note: no, Jose will not spell it right.) and Jose is writing this account while listening to the Yankees go down in flames, rather than yachting with super models, because, now Jose has all of this responsibility as a game thread starter.

2. Since there pathetic lack of knowledge about the Angles was exposed in the Game 1 thread, Jose has decided that he has a responsibility to use his position of high moral authority as game thread starter to educate you people about the importance of this quirky little tribe and what its history means for the rest of this series. Now, sit up straight and listen.

Did you know that according to wikipedia, the term Angle may originate with the form of fishing called “angling?” If this is so, doesn’t it mean that we need to be careful? Couldn’t it mean that perhaps Game 1 was nothing more than a juicy worm of victory used to entice Red Soxdom onto the barbed hook of overconfidence and ultimately into the frying pan of ignominious defeat? (Note: Frying pans of ignominious defeat are great for cooking on high heat, they are non-stick.)

Did you know that a legend proclaims that Pope Gregory I saw a group of Angles for sale as slaves in the Roman market and, impressed by their fair complexions said ““Non Angli, sed angeli” ("Not Angles, but angels") and resolved to convert them to Christianity? In 597 AD, Pope Gregory moved to fulfill his vow sending a monk called Bede who would start the gradual conversion of the Angles over the next 200 years. So what does this tell us about the Angles of today?

It suggests that perhaps the ultimate key to their defeat is the Christian faith. Bede arrived to convert the Angles in 597 and a mere 569 years later, their pagan beliefs extinguished and forgotten, they fell to the also Christian Normans. Could this possibly be coincidence?

In applying this lesson of history, the Red Sox appear to be off to a good start. The Los Angeles Angles squad appears to be completely devoid of pagans and animists. The critical thing then, is to ensure that the embrace Christianity wholeheartedly between now and game time. Maybe we can send the “Heaven or Hell” guy from Kenmore Square down to talk to them. He has pamphlets! And a sign!

Of course, maybe the fall of the Angles has nothing to do with Christianity? After all, there are lots of Christians in the world and they seem to be doing pretty well. Perhaps the most important event is when the Anglo-Saxon king Harold Godwinson is alleged to have pledged support for William of Normandy’s claim to the English throne after being shipwrecked at Ponthieu.

So here’s the plan:

1. Get Vlad Guerrero onto one of those harbor booze cruises or possibly the ferry to Hull.
2. Shipwreck him on Spectacle Island
3. Make him swear fealty to the Red Sox.
4. If he relents, shoot him in the eye with an arrow. Geena Davis can do it! She’s an archer and has Boston connections.

Look, Jose knows this is tedious, but it’s worth discussing. Just remember what Karl Marx said, history repeats itself “the first time as tragedy, the second as farce, the third as baseball.”

3. At about 4:00 on the day of Game 1, Jose received a call from his friend Mark.

“You’ll never believe it,” said Mark excitedly. “I have an extra ticket to see the bunraku.”

“What?” Jose replied.

“Bunraku, Japanese puppet theater.”

“Nice!” Jose exclaimed. “Jose loves puppets be they Japanese, sock or political. When we going?”

“Tonight.”

“You didn’t say that. Tell Jose you didn’t just say that,” Jose said channeling Booker T.

“Yeah tonight.”

“Nooooo. Dear God Noooooo. Why? Is there no God? You score Bunraku tickets and it’s tonight? Jose has Red Sox tickets.”

“You’re going to go with the Red Sox over the puppets?” said Mark skeptically.

Mark is not a baseball fan. He is like a baseball thermometer. He is so indifferent to baseball, that if he knows about a baseball event, it is proof that it has crept from baseball event to general cultural phenomenon. The 2007 Red Sox have apparently not reached the point of expanding the mercury yet.

“Look Mark, Jose loves baseball for the same reason he loves bunraku. Both feature chanting and Japanese people.”

“It’s still not the same,” Mark pouted. “Where in baseball do you get to see lifeless objects move?”

“You’ve never seen DJ Dru have you?” countered Jose.

“Well baseball still doesn’t have four foot tall creatures of amazing complexity.”

“Dustin Pedroia.”

“The manipulation of inanimate figures by grown men?”

“DeMarlo Hale with Doug Mirabelli on base.”

“Well, I guess it really can’t compete,” agreed Mark mournfully.

“No it can’t,” respond Jose, but neither can the Angles, so it’s all good.

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

[Foulkey Reese]

Wow

Win?

[tims4wins]

Let's throw the kitchen sink at them

[ToeKneeArmAss]

I read the "keys". I laughed. I cried. I pooted a little.

EDIT: It's 12:25 pm EDT already. Where's the fucking panda for chrissakes???

Edited by ToeKneeArmAss, 04 October 2007 - 11:25 PM.

[templeUsox]

The Rockies went up 2-0, the D'Backs are in the process of going up 2-0, and by gametime the Indians will surely have gone up 2-0.

Lets follow suit.

[ngruz25]

This game starts at 2:30 am local time. I have to be awake at 7 am for an all day walking tour of Copenhagen for a history class.

I'm in.

[Rasputin]

Let us commence the winnage.

[Chainsaw318]

http://www.boston.co.../escobar_mound/

I'm worried that the Globe's scouting report for Escobar has him as a 6-pitch (7, if you count a cutter pitcher).

It's like the Cold War and deterrence. Daisuke needs to come up with two more pitches before game-time in order to maintain Mutually Assured Destruction.


I have faith he will do so.

[Buzzkill Pauley]

Can a panda lead us to victory!?!









WIN

[Monbo Jumbo]

Don Draper approves of this thread.

I like our chances.

[Dummy Hoy]

This game starts at 2:30 am local time. I have to be awake at 7 am for an all day walking tour of Copenhagen for a history class.

I'm in.

You can do that drunk...the Danes are quite socially accepting of such behavior.

Keep 'em coing Jose.

[happybooker99]

It's time for another one.

Win.

[Foulkey Reese]

Sosh without the search function is like sex without a midget...

Having said that I'm looking forward to seeing DiceK use all of his pitches tonight and make the Angels look silly.

[jacklamabe65]

I have a good feeling about Dice-K this evening. I think the worm has turned for him and that we will see the full aresenal on the mound. Tek needs to be more creative with him and not put down one finger so much. If Dice-K keeps hitters guessing, the free-swinging Halos could be in for a long night.

Just win.

Edited by jacklamabe65, 05 October 2007 - 09:08 AM.

[InsideTheParker]

Dice K hates angles, loves circles: 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.

Me, too!

Edited by InsideTheParker, 05 October 2007 - 09:40 AM.

[5belongstoGeorge]

Game thread checklist:
1. Reminisce about the beating the MFY's took last night (the 2-6 hitters went 0-16 )
2. Hope that Lou PinIella's inevitable aneurysm happens on camera.
3. Watch the Sox continue their mastery over Los Halos.

In honor of Dice-K's first MLB playoff start I am including this explanation of the gyro-ball. My goal is to bring a depth of understanding for the gyroball that is often found on the Main Board at SoSH. The gyroball can be explained by thinking in the context of how it seen by the guys at the plate using two different perspectives, the hitter's and 'Tek's:

What the hitter sees

What 'Tek sees

Edit:
One clarification is required. Garret Anderson only sees a blurry version because of his pink eye. Memo to GA: Wash your hands after you scratch your balls.

Edited by 5belongstoGeorge, 05 October 2007 - 09:35 AM.

[Nuf Ced]

Yamato-damashii shall prevail 大和魂

[happybooker99]

What 'Tek sees

It might be better if the batter saw that, but the question remains: Would he hit it?

[RSN Diaspora]

WIN.

[V.I. Tessie]

I ashamed to say that I think I was the first to point out the Angles in the thread title (btw Jose it was at 3:49 p.m.). I've always been a Saxon fan. Huge Saxon fan. My mother brought me up to be a Saxon fan. I just don't know how I missed that. I'm a pale shadow of my former historically correct self.

There's a game tonight??? Well, in that case....

WIN

[William Robertson]

You're on a roll, Jose, and we like it. Any game thread that includes a reference to Beda Venerabilis has to be good.

We appreciate the sleep you have lost for the sake of the team.

So, essentially, Go Sox.

[PedroKsBambino]

Win Today.

[SpinnersRock]

Jose and Dice K ......... win it boys!!!!!!!

[mjswarner]

Win, win the fuck out of this ballgame.

That is what I say.

[Worst Trade Evah]

Let's go Daisuke. Be economical with your pitches. Use your defense they will back you up. Pitch with your head, your heart and your soul. Red Sox hitters, play like the champions you are. Use the whole field. Be patient. Hit the other way. Touch your hearts.

[/broadwaybomber55]

But in case that's not enough I am unoriginal and unfunny. Please put me out of my misery, here's a picture of an Asian hottie eating a sandwich:



edit: Brilliant keys Jose! WTE thanks you.

Edited by Worst Trade Evah, 05 October 2007 - 10:52 AM.

[TheBenzingerGame]

But in case that's not enough I am unoriginal and unfunny. Please put me out of my misery, here's a picture of an Asian hottie eating a sandwich:

Fish or chicken?

[Number45forever]

All this talke of Angles, let's see someting in their own old tongue. Below is the Old English (or Anglo-Saxon, if you prefer) language poem, DEOR. I had to translate this for a midterm in my Old English class during my senior year. Got a B+. It's the story of Weland, as told by the poet Deor. Weland was a blacksmith, a swordmaker, but was captured by his enemy, Nithhad. Weland's hamstrings were cut, preventing any escape, and he was forced to make swords for the enemy. As revenge, he killed Nithhad's two sons, made bowls out of their skulls, broches out of their teeth, and gems out of their eyeballs. He then presented these items to Nithhad as gifts. A sort of precursor to Eric Cartman's "I made you eat your parents!" Anyway, each stanza ends with the line "Þæs ofereode,þisses swa mæg!" In other words, "That passed by, so may this!" It's worth a read, but impossible to pronouce correctly.

So, in prepartion for our upcoming conqust of the Angles, Deor:


Welund him be wurmanwræces cunnade,
anhydig eorlearfoþa dreag,
hæfde him to gesiþþesorge ond longaþ,
wintercealde wræce;wean oft onfond,
siþþan hine Niðhad onnede legde,
swoncre seonobendeon syllan monn.
Þæs ofereode,þisses swa mæg!

Beadohilde ne wæshyre broþra deaþ
on sefan swa sarswa hyre sylfre þing,
þæt heo gearoliceongieten hæfde
þæt heo eacen wæs;æfre ne meahte
þriste geþencan,hu ymb þæt sceolde.
Þæs ofereode,þisses swa mæg!

We þæt Mæðhildemonge gefrugnon
wurdon grundleaseGeates frige,
þæt hi seo sorglufuslæp ealle binom.
Þæs ofereode,þisses swa mæg!

Deodric ahteþritig wintra
Mæringa burg;þæt wæs monegum cuþ.
Þæs ofereode,þisses swa mæg!

We geascodanEormanrices
wylfenne geþoht;ahte wide folc
Gotena rices.Þæt wæs grim cyning.
Sæt secg monigsorgum gebunden,
wean on wenan,wyscte geneahhe
þæt þæs cynericesofercumen wære.
Þæs ofereode,þisses swa mæg!

Siteð sorgcearig,sælum bidæled,
on sefan sweorceð,sylfum þinceð
þæt sy endeleasearfoða dæl.
Mæg þonne geþencan,þæt geond þas woruld
witig dryhtenwendeþ geneahhe,
eorle monegumare gesceawað,
wislicne blæd,sumum weana dæl.

Pæt ic bi me sylfumsecgan wille,
þæt ic hwile wæsHeodeninga scop,
dryhtne dyre.Me wæs Deor noma.
Ahte ic fela wintrafolgað tilne,
holdne hlaford,oþþæt Heorrenda nu,
leoðcræftig monnlondryht geþah,
þæt me eorla hleoær gesealde.
Þæs ofereode,þisses swa mæg!



And a modern English translation I found (Mine is on a computer that is at home, I am at work) on the intraweb:

Welund knew wretchedness among the wyrm-like folk,
The dauntless earl endured his travails,
had sorrow and longing for company, and
wretchness winter-cold; he oft found woe,
Once Nithhad laid yokes of bondage upon him,
supple sinew-bounds on a better man.
That too did pass; so shall this.

To Beadohilde, her brothers' death did not
sore her soul so, as did the matter of her own self,
for she was full aware
that she was with child; not ever did she
feel [all too] sound about how that would turn out.
That too did pass; so shall this.

The woes of Mathilde we heard much of,
The wife of Geat's woes, which countless were,
how in her cares of sorrow, she was robbed of all sleep,
That too did pass; so shall this.

Theodric held for thirty winters
the Maring-burg's fort, beknownst to many.
That too did pass; so shall this.

We have learned of Ermanrik's
wolf-like thoughts; ruled his folk far and wide
within the realm of the Goths; a grim king was he.
Many men were beset by sorrow,
woes to be expected, often fancying
that the kingdom be overcome.
That too did pass; so shall this.

There sits a sorrow-laden man, forsaken by luck.
He grows gloomy in his mind and thinks of himself
that his share of troubles may be endless.
He can then consider that throughout this world
the wise Lord often brings about change
to many a man, he shows him grace
and certain fame; and to some a share of woes.

I wish to say this about myself:
That for a time I was the Heodenings' gleeman,
dear to my lord - my name was "Deor".
For many years I held a comfortable station.
And he was an obliging lord to me, but til now, when Heorrenda,
the man skilled in song, has received the estate
which the guardian of earls once granted me.
That too did pass; so shall this.


WIN!!!

[Jack Sox]

I have a very good feeling about Daisuke tonight.

Win it.

[Foulkey Reese]

*snip*

[Nite Vizhun UV]

WIN

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Edited by Nite Vizhun UV, 05 October 2007 - 11:50 AM.

[educatedcheese]

On, Win, etc. etc.

[JohntheBaptist]

Just remember what Karl Marx said, history repeats itself “the first time as tragedy, the second as farce, the third as baseball.”

This was fantastic.

Great keys. Onward to sweepville please!

[Ramon AC]

[richard]

Another fabulous KEYS, Jose. At least you have the lead quote for the back of the 2007 KEYS book now.

[bmacfarlane]

Loved the keys...Go Sox!

[SoxScout]

Edited by SoxScout, 05 October 2007 - 01:16 PM.

[kevlog]

Confound the damn angles tonight. Win.



Oh, and great KEYS, Jose.

[jose melendez]

Jose just got the following email from lurker fuzzy one

Them damn Angles..., Today, 02:10 PM

Jose,

Because of my abiding regard for you and the KEYS, I deeply regret that I am forced to inform you that in at least one instance, you have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

The man sent by Pope Gregory the Great to convert the Saxons was the Benedictine who would come to be known as Augustine of Canterbury. The Venerable Bede was also a Benedictine, but he wasn't born until about 80 years after Augustine's death. Bede wrote most of the foundational texts of early English history, including the Historia ecclesiastica gentis Anglorum, which chronicles the Augustinian conversion.

We wouldn't want you teaching the children of our great Nation falsities (note: like "Derek Jeter plays great defense" or "OBP is meaningless if you can't steal bases"), would we?

Aside from that, stellar KEYS.

Carry on.

Jose stands corrected.

[Lefty on the Mound]

The man Pope Gregory sent to convert the Angles is known as "The Venerable Bede". Jose has converted us to believers in the power of Angles I am unoriginal and unfunny. Please put me out of my misery. All hail the Venerable Jose!

Great keys to day....keep up the good work, VJ!

Dice-K will baffle LAAA with his repertoir as Jose baffles us with his briliance!

[Carmen Fanzone]

Win It For..... one of the great SoSH members who isn't here to witness it - the late DJnVA

[TomRicardo]

[Manuel Scoreboard]

This is the day.

This is the thread.



WIN.

[AusTexSoxFan]

Wait... I thought we were playing the Indians!?!? What in the world of Cory Snyder is going on around here?!?!?!

[MoVaughnsTruck]

Ganbatte Matsuzaka-san!!

[Bucknahs Bum Ankle]

Jose just got the following email from lurker fuzzy one

Must be another one of them menacing Furries.

[ShoelessJoe]

Tom, that is a disturbing picture. It looks like Daisuke has fairy wings and is throwing a gyroball in one hand and holding a tentacle in the other. I have no idea what the figure on the right is meant to represent.

[maceeight]

JUST WIN!!!

[Bosoxen]

Tom, that is a disturbing picture. It looks like Daisuke has fairy wings and is throwing a gyroball in one hand and holding a tentacle in the other. I have no idea what the figure on the right is meant to represent.

It looks like it says "Ortiz" in scribble. I'm guessing it's Papi.

[Bucknahs Bum Ankle]

Yes that appears to be Ortiz, who apparently is a little plobby. At first I thought Dice-K was facing Papi and was trying to figure out why that would be, then I realized they must be fighting together against and unseen enemy. In other words, Dice-K will pitch a gem and Papi will go yard again tonight. At least that's my interpretation of our resident savant's rendering.

Edited by Bucknahs Bum Ankle, 05 October 2007 - 02:39 PM.

[TheRealness]

Feel uptight on a Friday night
Eight o' clock, the radio's the only light
I hear my song and it pulls me through
Comes on strong, tells me what I got to do

WIN