10 replies to this topic

[meckbah]

Pretty funny stuff from the Guardian as usual. Guide to all the Premiership teams.

Premiership Team Guide

[URI]

That was pretty good.

[Smiling Joe Hesketh]

That was pretty good.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I understood only half of each writeup, though. The rest might as well have been written in Sanskrit.

[DJnVa]

Plan B
Lodge high-court injunction to ban heading the ball and Jol's remarkable battalion of short-arses and diddymen might romp to the title by running through the legs of the opposition.

[MarkInLondon]

Spent a wonderful hour reading this earlier this morning - always one of the highlights of the year, and another good reason why The Guardian should be the paper of choice for all right thinking people....

Loved the Lampard/Banjo/Cows Arse comment....

[Spacemans Bong]

Due to my inestimable charity I'll decode the Arsenal one.

The most debt-laden club in the world thanks to a £260m bond to finance the new home.

Er, someone tell the writer about Man Utd.

Pascal Cygan's still there.

Craptastic centre-back, probably the most hilariously incompetent Arsenal player since the mighty Gus Caesar.

Nowheresville SE18

Arsenal were founded in Woolwich, Southeast London. We moved. That's kind of a no-no these days, although Arsenal lives by no rules given by mortals.

Male lead Bertie Mee brings double ecstasy before tragic slide into mind-numbing 1-0 victory addiction

Manager in 1971 when Arsenal won the double. We weren't exactly interesting then and go less so later, particularly when Don Howe was manager (really, really bad). George Graham bought lots of trophies, but it was based on a granite-solid back four.

The Arsenal Dressing Room Big Book Of Cockney Banter. Pat Rice - Plus 101 Other Top Gunners Recipes.

Pat Rice is an Irishman who used to captain Arsenal and is Wenger's assistant manager.

Eternally grateful since transformation from Steve Bould hoofing the ball into the mesosphere

One of Georgie G's centre-backs.

In other words, a cup of tea with Nigel Winterburn.

A former Arsenal left-back. Best line in the whole gig, IMHO.

Hope that clears things up for people.

[Vermonter At Large]

Here are a few more tidbits for folks without sufficient time to read the whole thing:


- Mikel John Obi (the name the young Nigerian is using this week) has played even fewer games than Theo in the past year. But at least the 19-year-old's transfer saga has established Man United as Chelsea's feeder club.

- Andriy Shevchenko, the world's most expensive 29-year-old, a purchase which says: "OK, Jose, we've tried to win the European Cup your way, now let's try it Roman's way."

- Francis Jeffers once had a big reputation, is now totally useless and therefore fits every requirement for a place in Teamengland's first XI.

- Spit or Swallow? El Hadji Diouf's Guide To Popularity.

- Abdoulaye Meite was one of the odd men out in the Ivory Coast's groundbreaking 2-0-8 formation.

- Ivan Campo's poodle perm provides a vital screen for one of the Premiership's tightest defences.

- Charlton's key summer signing was Dutch pensioner Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, 93. Dowie might be buying in experience but Hasselbaink comes with baggage - around his middle, mostly. Even lardystrikerphiles Celtic wouldn't pay Jim what he was asking for and, when Newcastle deny they were ever interested, you ought to be worried.

- Nuno Valente was Portugal's left-back and, with comparative ease, helped snuff out The Best Squad Of Players To Leave These Shores Since 1970 in the quarter-final.

- And attacks will be much more liquid without the constipated presence of Ruud van Nistelrooy.

- Under McClaren Boro adopted an ultra-cautious approach until 3-0 down, then stuck on four strikers and went crazy. Perhaps we will see the same in reverse.

- Damien Duff. Just when Newcastle were muttering about not having any money to spend, they go and blow £5.5m on a winger to supply crosses for ... Shola Ameobi.

- Years since a trophy (Watford): No such luck. Although regular victors in the Hertfordshire Senior Cup. Last year, however, they lost to Tring Athletic in round two.

- Watford fans chant "Are you watching, Luton?" whenever they have anything to celebrate, such as the award of a throw-in against Wigan.

- Lee Bowyer is back to strengthen midfield. The last time he walked down Green Street fans protested, halal shops closed early and the club was relegated.

- Plan B: Get Teddy Sheringham, Bobby Zamora or Etherington into the box and watch them go down like little East End soap bubbles blown on the breeze.

[meckbah]

For those United fans despairing at our prospects this line strikes a cord,

"Plan B
OK, Teddy, get stripped off. Those were the days, eh Fergie?"

In 1999, we had a peaking Teddy Sheringham and the lethal Ole Gunnar Solskjaer just waiting on the bench to come on for Cole and Yorke. Proper international class strikers. With rooney suspended Saha made of wet paper and Ruud donning the ugly white of Madrid, Rossi will have to lead the line himself. Fun times ahead.

[MarkInLondon]

I understood only half of each writeup, though. The rest might as well have been written in Sanskrit.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Bear in mind that, unlike the tabloid press that seems to sanctify every premiership footballer, the Guardian has a very healthy scepticism for some of their actions and excesses.

Shoot whatever you read in this guide through that prism, and things might be more understandable.

[Phil Plantier]

Mark, I think it's more due to:

1. Newness to the sport
2. English/American dialect issues

than any inherent Guardian bias. Still, the parts I did understand were amusing.

[Spacemans Bong]

Mark, I think it's more due to:

1. Newness to the sport
2. English/American dialect issues

than any inherent Guardian bias. Still, the parts I did understand were amusing.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Nah, the Guardian take the piss constantly. The Fiver is good for several laughs a day.