As promised, L'affaire de Jeter....

Two years ago I was working on a TV show for a national sports network (that has since been canceled, sadly) with a writer/producer who told me the following story. I worked with him for a year and I trust his version of events completely, as he is a careful, factual story teller and I've heard him tell it twice. His version is what follows and it does not do justice to the way he tells it- he is a great story teller, careful in remembering the details and walking the listener through the narrative with care. It's a shame you can't hear him tell it, you would enjoy it more. Anyhow, here is the story:

My source has a close friend that he describes as a "smoking hot chick." She works in public relations in New York City. Let's give her the phony name of "Liz" since it's easy to type. Liz often works VIP parties and functions and has met many celebs, but isn't prone to being starstruck. She is, however, a native New Yorker and a massive Yankees fan. For obvious reasons, Derek Jeter is someone who was on her sexual wish list.

One night while working a VIP party (circa 2003-ish) in the city, she noticed a man across the room, and there stood Number Two in the flesh. She made eye contact but was too shy to go over. No need to worry, the captain made the first move. He walked over to her and dropped the following pickup line- "WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES? WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS?" Liz was very nervous and managed to BS her way through about 20 minutes of chit-chat that seemed oddly generic to her. She thought she did well. Eventually Jeter gave her a cell number. It was the number to his personal driver. If she wished to visit him at his place after the party she could call that number and the driver would do the rest. She took the number.

At the end of the night Liz called the number, having no idea whether it was fake or real or whether Batman would show up. Sure enough it was the number to DJ's driver who picked her up at the event. I don't remember what kind of car it was, but as I recall I think it might have been a town car. Anyway, she gets a ride directly to Jeter's building. It was a large apartment building with a doorman, etc and she was whisked to a private elevator that went directly up to Jeter's penthouse apartment.
The elevator door opens and she is immediately met by a butler (or manservant if you wish) who says that "Mr. Jeter is ready for you in the bedroom." Liz is escorted directly to the door as the butler then moves away for privacy.

She opens the bedroom door to see a shirtless Jeter by the bed wearing only a pair of jeans. He turns to look at her and gives her a glance that says 'I see you've made it here, that means one thing only- we are about to get it AWN and you are not leaving until that happens.' Liz says the look made it crystal clear that there would be no further communication or social graces of any kind until he got what he wanted.

The dirty details? Well, I don't have info as to positions and such, but I can say that she reported that he was in perfect physical shape and was generously endowed, however the evening's proceedings were, shall we say, very short lived. No foreplay, no mystery, just right down to it and over very quickly. She found it a bit odd, impersonal and not exactly the dream date she had imagined that it might be. He was very polite throughout, though and let her stay the night and had the driver give her a ride back to her place the next morning. She felt it was more like a business deal then a hook up. However, she was quite pleased with the accomplishment and went about her life with a nice little story to tell.

Months went by and she went back to her job and her life. While at another VIP event whom did she happen to spot, but Derek Jeter once again mingling amongst the crowd. She wondered what she should do- go over to say hi and to remind him of their night together? Would he remember that they did it? Should she just run away? Before she could finish her thoughts guess who saunters over? Yup, it's Jetes again. And guess what his first sentence is? Yup, you guessed it- "WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES? WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS?" She laughs and gives him the option of remembering that they shared a night together with the exact same opening line. It's clear that he did not remember any of it at all.

So, Liz is curious to see if she can land her dream guy a second time. And she does. She doesn't let on that she's been through this before and so Jeter gives her the exact same spiel. She gets the driver's number, gets driven to his place, gets shown in by the butler, goes to the bedroom door, he's once again by the bed in only his jeans, gives her the same RoboSex look, and the exact same hook up session ensues- quick, almost machine-like in its efficiency and devoid of any kind of variety. The guy is just a creature of habit, I guess. Liz never let on that she had done this before and DJ never figured it out either. Liz thought this was hilarious and typical jock dude behavior.

So, the next time you type 'Jeter' into Google and the word "herpes" pops up as an option, the story of Liz might shed some light as to why this might be the case- he's a repeat offender.

I never met "Liz" in person so I can't confirm any of this independently, but I trust my proxy source totally and I believe that this happened exactly the way that it did. Hope you all found some entertainment value in it. Sorry there's no Giambi Jiz lick punch line involved, but it gives you an inside look at his personality I suppose.

I expected worse, so nice job.

"WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES? WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS?" is pretty damn funny.

He lays a lame-ass pickup line on her, has his driver pick her up and makes it clear that he's only in it to get his rocks off and she's 1) disappointed yet 2) goes back for seconds?

Starfuckers are a stranger breed than the people they go after.

Yeah, try it next time at the bar. It's a proven winner.

That is fucking efficiency. Literally, fucking efficiency.

The best part is if she had called him on it when she met him for the 2nd time, he wouldnt have cared and she still probably would have made the trip up to casa de intangibles

Liz sounds like a gigantic slutfaced whore

I'd like to know if he did the "Jeter Fist Pump" when he finished...

I thought Batman was going to show up.

Real name of Liz = Liza Minnelli.

Good story, great line.

Sorry, dude.

JustPastADivingBatman.

I worked in the rental office of a building Jeter had lived at sometime around 2000-2002. His old lease was on file, which had a ton of documentation from his time there. The ratio of "new key requests" filed in his against the average in a lease folder was something like 25:1.

The gym membership application was the best though- he obviously got some handler to fill it out. It requested employment info, and this pinhead writes "George Steinbrenner" under "BOSS" and "Shortstop" under "POSITION."

Not much, but the Shortstop bit always gets a laugh.

For anyone who read Andy Roddick Beat Me With a Frying Pan by Todd Gallagher, this story sounds so much like the chapter where Gallagher gets this female friend of his to slut herself out to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Transactional is the word that leaps to mind.

That's on the nights that no girl comes by his place.

In it's way i think that story is sadder than the Giambi Story and the ARod story. I have to say it's not what i expected, but when you think about - it's exactly what one ought to expect from the man with the calm eyes.

The dude is cold.

Good story well told.

I call bullshit on this.

If this "Liz" chick was as big a Yankees fan as she is portrayed to be, Jeter's question of, "What are your hopes? What are your dreams?" should have been immediately answered by her with, "I hope and I dream you can do a better job getting to balls hit three feet to your left."

Edit: Vowel movement

And by "Liz" you mean "Larry", a tranny who is barely passible as a woman from a long distance away????

and where would one be able to read these Giambino and A-Rod stories?

It was a story about Jeter, not Arod. Try to keep up.

I never, ever thought I would like Derek Jeter. This sucks.

He's a cross between Austin Powers and JFK.

Funny - I wanted to know if he could go to his left.

Great story, I found it to be worth the wait! Thanks for writing it.


I liked this one, too, but I wish the pinhead had written "knees" instead of "shortstop".

I was hoping for so much more. Like, he has some bizarre fetish. But, no..He bangs sluts using the interview line..then bangs the SAME sluts using the SAME line after not remembering the last time they banged. Sounds like a pretty good life.

What Are Your Hopes.. What Are Your Dreams... I like it. hahaha

Got a little story. An old friend of mine once worked for a AA team as a clubhouse manager. After the game the stadium lights were shut off fairly quickly. So when he finished cleaning and was waiting on laundry to finish he'd bring out a radio and sit in the stands. One night a couple jumped over the fences and came onto the field. Went to the mound and had some fun. He watched for a while and eventually the chick was bent over holding her ankles and the guy was going to town on her and my friend yells out "YA YOU GO HIT THAT PUSSY!!" The 2 immediately grab there clothes and run off.

Yea, she should have shown up at his place the second time and before he could say his little spiel, she should have said "Before we get it AWN we're gonna practice some grounders to your left" and thrown him a mitt.

The World Series thread from last night. It was a good ol' time. I hear there was also a baseball game last night, but I can't confirm this.

Get it AWN. Bang a gong. Get it AWN.

Is this what Joe Morgan means by consistency?

I have a Kevin Youkilis story, but I probably shouldn't share that while he's an active member of the team.

Max I disagree.

Good story. The part above made me think, "What if it was Nomar?" Grab the right tit twice, ass smack. Grab the left tit twice, ass smack. Teabag, teabag, hit it. At the very least I guess there would have been more foreplay.

btwwas an inspired turn of phrase.

Share the story immediately.

Someone make this man a member so this story can go in P&G.

When did the MLB Discussion board turn into Page Six of the NY Post?

If SOSH does not fill Fenway with:

"JETER, WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES, YOUR DREAMS"

signs next season I will be truly disappointed.

Fenway needs a Lite-beer type chant

As CI approachs the plate,

half the crowd yells: WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES?

and the Response: WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS?

If you go to the world series game thread and work back from the end of the thread.

Derek Jeter tried to do something similar with a friend of mine who is a pretty smoking hot woman. One day she saw DJ with his posse in New York City. My friend being a hardcore Yankee fan went up to him like a giggly little school girl and talked to him for about 10 minutes. As she walked away, a member of the Jeter entourage gave her a cell number to call if she wanted to meet up with him later that night. She didn't want to be another one night stand for Jeter so she just walked away. I forgot the exact context of their converstaion and the pick up line, but the approach sounds very similar to your story.

I don't have a posse. I have an entourage.

Well if that's all it takes, I've got a good Ortiz story, too...

Just go out to bars and you'll see plenty of players doing stuff they shouldn't.

That would definitely be the appropriate place for it, although I don't want to oversell it. It's not on the level of the Giambi story in content or humor value.

THAT would be a scream...

Yes, but did Jeter jump and throw across his body on this otherwise routine ground ball?

I just hope "Liz" didn't come away with any permanent reminders of the rendezvous.

I agree with Fletch, this story is kinda sad when you think about it for a second. He has absolutely no thrill in banging the hottest women he can find, his "game" hasn't evolved since high school pickup lines (since it hasn't had to), he has a butler show girls in to his Fucking Area, and he has absolutely no memory of any of the events or the good times he's had. He's had lots of sex, but none of it is meaningful to him.

Would you want to be Jeter? I'm not so sure.

Yes, a regular Mark Twain over here.

Actually, he is an excellent writer and one of the more literate people I've ever met. He was being sarcastically funny there, he usually doesn't use terms like that.

My biggest fear in life is an STD. So, no.

What do we do to get you to spill it? You've got us hanging here.

OK, picture this:

Jeter comes to bat.
3b/LF-side fans scream "What-are-your HOPES?"
1b/RF-side fans scream "What-are-your DREAMS?"
Repeat.
Repeat again.
Repeat again.
Maybe there's a collective "UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" after the first pitch.

Sixty-nine and even!

Your Grampy got fucked in the ass. That's the way it goes.