I'll set the over/under on walks by Daisuke at 3.5.

It would be nice to take one in Tampa.

If he walks only three batters or less in this game, I'll plodz. The Sox will then be up, one game to zip.

It's past midnight on the East Coast. Time for Tampa Bay's carriage to turn into a pumpkin.

The ride ends here, assholes.

Stomp these motherfuckers.

Just Win

I'll be at Games 1 & 2.

Sections 125 and 123.

Let's take them both please.

A win tonight will help establish that Tampa's regular season edge over the Sox, particularly at home, means little in the playoffs. Or maybe it will establish nothing more than the Sox are up 1-0 and have taken away Tampa's home field advantage to a large extent. Either way, win, please.

10/10/08--ALDS Game 1 Good vs. Neutral

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE ALCS.

1. In years past, this would be where Jose wrote about an epic struggle between good and evil, of the forces of light and darkness twirling in their endless tango, or dancing the forbidden dance--lambada. Jose was not exaggerating. The Red Sox are good and the Yankees are evil. (Note: Well, now the Red Sox are good and the Yankees are bad.) The Cleveland Indians, if not outright evil, are at least racist and insensitive. While good vs. insensitive isn’t quite as potent as good vs. evil, it at least has a little bit of kick. But Tampa? This year’s ALCS is more of a story of good vs. neutral.

The story of good vs. neutral has already been told in comic form in the cartoon Futurama. In the relevant episode 25 Star General Zapp Brannigan takes the Democratic Order of Planets to war with “the neutral planet.” It reminds Jose quite a bit of the Red Sox current crusade against neutrality, though Tito does not, blessedly, wear Brannigan’s crushed red velour uniform. (Note: He can’t; MLB discipline chief Bob Watson has ruled that velour violates the MLB uniform policy.)

This is a problem. We are in a battle of good vs. neutral, and neutral is simply hard to get excited about. If one were to put together one of those head-to-head charts that reporters without ideas so love, it would be a one sided affair.

Food
Boston: Clam Chowder
Tampa: Meh
Edge: Boston

Historic Sights
Boston: Old North Church
Tampa: Meh
Edge Boston

Favorite Sons
Boston: JFK
Tampa: MEH
Edge: Boston

Local TV show
Boston: Cheers
Tampa: Meh
Edge: Boston

Local Movie
Boston: Celtic Pride
Tampa: Meh
Edge: Tampa

What? Staring at a grey screen for three hours would be dramatically better than Celtic Pride. Damon Wayans as an NBA star? The Jazz winning a championship? Please.

So it is hard for Jose to get too fired up about a series that can only be described as meh. Still, it is Jose’s job to get fired up and get fired up he will. Bring on the kiln!

Since we have established Tampa as neutral, think of it as Switzerland. Switzerland is neutral, and everyone loves them, what with their excellent chocolate, versatile knives and $35 bagels.

Not Jose.

Jose is pissed off at the Swiss.

Some of you may remember a Kids in the Hall bit years ago about a guy named Ed who hated the Swiss. Jose is not imitating that. That was a joke. Jose is not joking. He really hates the Swiss. He is probably a little racist towards them. (Note: Okay, maybe he is joking a little bit. Please don’t sick the Anti-Swiss Defamation League on Jose, he can’t bear to issue apologies in their unintelligible German, French, Italian and Romansh.) \

His hate, like most hate, is simple. The entire Swiss economy for nearly 80 years has been built on money laundering. The Swiss launder money for anyone: terrorists, tax evaders, drug dealers, the CIA, the KGB, Nazis, everyone. They are the Zoots of money laundering. Now, normally if a country did this, like say Vanuatu, we would shun them. Maybe we wouldn’t shut them off from the world, but we would point out that they were a bunch of jerks profiting on the misery of others. But not the Swiss. No, no, they get to have UN institutions, even though they weren’t even a UN member until recently, and the International Committee of the Red Cross and to guard the Pope. Everyone loves the Swiss.

But at root, neutrality veers awfully close to amorality. There are individual people who are neutral like the Swiss. There are people who, like the Swiss, look only to their own interests, steering clear of committing to any position save their own personal good. We call these people sociopaths. We do not give them UN offices (note: Kurt Waldheim excepted). We do not let them guard the Pope.

So as we head into this series with Tampa, remember that there is nothing quite so insidious as creeping neutrality. Demand that the Tampa Rays give up their stolen Nazi gold.

2. Over the years, Jose has had a lot of fun with the Rays, calling them Tampax Bay and comparing the to tuberculosis. Back when they were the Rays or D Rays, Jose may even have suggested that they should change their name to the Tampa Bay Dres and have a picture of the Yo! MTV Raps star Dr. Dre on their caps. Dr. Dre could also be team physician. (Note: He would probably not be noticeably worse than former Red Sox physician Dr. Arthur Pappas. As best Jose knows, Marty Barrett has never sued Dr. Dre for malpractice.)

Now that the Tampa Rays are good, people have asked Jose if he needs to change the way he talks about them. Are feminine hygiene jokes really appropriate when one is talking about the reigning A.L. East champions? It’s a fair question.

After a lot of thought, Jose has concluded, reluctantly that it is no longer fair to call them the Tampax Bay Rays.

It just isn’t fair… to Tampax.

Tampax is the number one selling brand of tampon, and Jose doesn’t think it’s right to connect them to a baseball team that will finish only second in the American League. Also, it didn’t take Tampax ten years in existence for their product to be successful. If Tampax had waited 10 years to perform adequately, then… well, let’s just sat it would have been sloppier than the Rays’ pre-2008 defense. So not only is Jose renouncing the use of the term “Tampax Bay” (note: at least until tomorrow) Jose is demanding that the Rays remove the libelous TB from their caps. Jose suggests that they replace it with a nice OB, which Jose understands, is a less successful brand of tampon.

3. How weird is it that the Rays have decided to start Jamie Shields in Game 1? Have the Red Sox ever beat two pitchers named Shields in consecutive games before? (Note: The Sox defeated Scott Shields to win Game 4 of the ALDS.)

Also, what is David Price, who is Jose’s Congressman here in Durham doing pitching for the Rays? Can he stay in Congress, or did he just get elected from here when he was playing for Tampa’s AAA affiliate the Durham Bulls?

This just makes Jose really mad. There’s a financial crisis, a war and some sort of emergency involving commemorative coins going on, and this guy Price is going to be sitting in the Tampa bullpen? Some congressman. Jose knows, Price will probably claim that there’s a phone in the bullpen, so he can do work from there, but Jose does not believe that for a second. Price needs to get out of the Tampa bullpen and back to Washington so he can work hard on getting Durham the bioweapons lab we need to defend ourselves against Raleigh.


I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE ALCS.

Win today.

Post-season baseball + Dice-K = Thank God this is on a Friday night.

I'd feel a lot better if the Sox had JT's powerful right arm, but they'll circle the wagons and win despite JT's absence.

I will have scotch and a low probability of pants. Win.

I suggest strongly that you win this evening's contest, Boston Red Sox.

I SUGGEST IT VERY STRONGLY.

Hey, ya know what'd be nice? Taking Game 1 at the Trop'.

Just win it.

Win, the Sox need to take one of the first two.

Win 4 before those a holes do.

Go Sox

Ortiz and Pedroia decide they like playoff baseball tonight, and the Diceman cometh.

A win tonight puts massive pressure on the Rays. The prospect of a 2-0 hole could get them to tighten up a bit, since it's hard to see them climbing out of a hole like that in Fenway. I don't think the regular season matters all that much, besides giving TB some confidence playing the Sox (which doesn't really matter when Boston's postseason experience and success is factored in).

Win it.

I am prepared for the Sox to put up a lot of runs tonight. Out of respect to Dice-K I will also be doing a shot whenever he throws a 15 pitch or less inning.

Thanks a lot, dickhead. This day was looking long enough as it was. Now I REALLY want a drink.

May DiceK pitch an 8-inning gem which will cause you to drink yourself into a coma.

iSalud, cabrón!

I waited the entire season for the Rays to fail. They are a legitimate great team and it's going to take the Red Sox playing their best baseball of the season to win this series. Set the tone tonight for the entire series that our pitching is the best in baseball.

WIN

Just win boys ...

So these guys are new to this playoff thing eh? Time for the Diceman to show them what October baseball is really about.

Are those corks in the jar behind?

Yes... years worth. If you examined them you'd see that there are for more unstained then red stained because my wife only drinks white wine.

No, they are shotgun shells. Of course they are corks, what do you think they are?

Sox need either this game, or the next, so why wait? Win game one and the pressure is massive in Game 2, with Beckett on the hill. Make it happen Diceman!

I have a client in Tampa. They annoy the shit out of me. Let's knock this team out so that there is one less thing in that shit town that I have think about.

I am officially done for the day. Sitting still is no longer an option, and I might as well go home soon before I get fired for taking my pants off.

Win it for Steve Irwin!

"They're going to kill you, Carl (Crawford). You and Willie (Aybar)! You're going to be fertilizer."

Let me be up front, I dislike James Shields. I also dislike the Rays. I've never liked the whole punk franchise. Nothing would have made me happier than if Coco would have been given just an extra minute or two with Shields before the crowds closed in. I am convinced to the core of my being that Shields would have come out looking like John Lackey.

I hate the Rays. Some tell me that hate is gonna burn me up. I tell them it keeps me warm. Then they usually ask me if I'm seriously going to keep dropping Red Dawn references. I tell them, "two biggest kids on the block, sooner or later they're gonna fight." Then my wife just tells me to keep it down and not wake up the kids by yelling "Wolverines" every time the Red Sox score. I try to scowl like Jed Eckert, but I keep getting it mixed up with my Johnny Castle glare. "Nobody puts Papi in a corner" I yell after Mrs. ERR. She just gives me that faraway look.

I keep wanting to call them the De.vil (stupid filter) Rays. But now they are the Rays. Or are they…? Maybe that's their trick -- after all, if we are to believe Kevin Spacey, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. Maybe they are the De.vil Rays after all and this is all part of some deal with the Devil to convince us that they are the Rays (stay with me). People say, "I don't believe in the Devil, but I'm scared of him." Well I tell you what, I believe in the Devil, just like I believed in the Angels – I just think collectively they are all a bunch of sallys (Everyone offended? Good then, off we go).

Tampa Bay has been a marvelous story this year. They have wildly exceeded expectations. They are the Rudy of this year's baseball season and we all love Rudy, particularly that last scene where Rudy gets the sack. But you know only a jackass would have kept Rudy in there in a play-off game. As my Dad always said to me during my un-illustrious football career, small, slow, and full of heart is great -- until it runs into big, fast, and full of heart. It's time for the Rays to move on to carrying Mr. Frodo's bags and get the hell out of the Red Sox way.

It was my son's second birthday yesterday. He doesn't talk much yet, but he's pretty clear on a few things. The food should be on time. The naps should be plentiful. And when some crap shows up the best thing to do is to remove it right away. Smart kid.

I'm pulling up some hot wings, taking my pre-game nap, and ready for the Sox to get this piece of crap team out of the way.

Move aside, and let the man move through.

I'm ERR and now you know

Hmmm, bizzarro Keys.

Anyway, here's to Papi taking down a catwalk with a mammoth blast.

Lets see a win!

Asahi Super Dry at the ready.

Carry us forward, Daisuke.

Sooo, we meet again for the first time!

Dice-K has yet to have an A game in the postseason. I desire for this to change.

I also desire for James Shields to have a Rick ANkiel type outing. Something involving an emotional breakdown and garment soiling sounds swell. Make this happen offense.

Win.

From Wiki: "Manta rays are believed to have evolved from bottom-feeding ancestry, but have adapted to become filter feeders in the open ocean."

Also: "[they] have a much thicker body mucus coating than other rays."

That thing better be fucking fake or I'm not stepping within a Bay homerun of the ocean.

Win tonight.

Red Sox
1. Jacoby Ellsbury, CF
2. Dustin Pedroia, 2B
3. David Ortiz, DH
4. Kevin Youkilis, 3B
5. J.D. Drew, RF
6. Jason Bay, LF
7. Mark Kotsay, 1B
8. Jed Lowrie, SS
9. Jason Varitek, C
--Daisuke Matsuzaka, SP

Rays
1. Akinroi Iwamura, 2B
2. B.J. Upton, CF
3. Carlos Pena, 1B
4. Evan Longoria, 3B
5. Carl Crawford, LF
6. Cliff Floyd, DH
7. Dioner Navarro, C
8. Gabe Gross, RF
9. Jason Bartlett, SS
-- James Shields, SP

going tonight.


It's been a nice year for these Rays. Time to put them back in their place.

15 pitches or less? Dude, you won't even crack that thing open with those rules.

Word. Let's do this.

Set the tone.

Win it.

Can't argue with that lineup. Let's do this.

Let's go Red Sox!

Win.

Show the Rays who's boss.

I look at those line-ups and have one overriding thought: The Red Sox are better.

I drink when the Sox score too!

But enough about me, the Red Sox' lineup does appear to be superior.

Also, I am calling a monster Big Papi shot that actually damages the dome. The only thing I am not sure of is how many will be on base at the time.

DO IT DICE-K