"It's basic dog psychology, if you scare them and get them peeing down their leg, they submit. But if you project weakness, that promotes violence, and that's how people get hurt." ~ Bodhi, Point Break

Be the lead dog Clay, make the batters void their bladders.

Fasten your seatbelts.

In this thread there will be references to the opposing starting pitcher being dirty.

In fact, I believe he will be dirtied.

I believe you mean "buchholz your seatbelts."

Hopefully Alex Cora plays SS tonight

Well, Buchholz has to win a game sometime, right? Right?

I smell an 11-10 bullpen fest. Get on base batters! Have a clue Buchholz! Continue the torrid hitting Tek! Did I just write that?

It's required by law. Defensive replacement ya know?


and I have nothing to back this up, but I think Buchholz turns it around tonight.

8/20/08--Jose is off with Susan Sarandon

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose comes to you today live from his brand new home in Durham, North Carolina, where he expects to be engaged in light bondage with Susan Sarandon while listening to Edith Piaf records at any moment.

Truth be told, while Durham (note: disappointingly not named for Ray Durham) seems nice enough so far, Jose is having some trouble adjusting. For starters, Jose is completely unused to living in an environment where he is not surrounded by Red Sox fans. Of the 30 or so people he’s met so far, only 10 of them are Red Sox fans. Seriously, what is wrong with people?

Second, Jose is a bit uncomfortable living in any state that could produce Grady Little. Jose sort of imagined, based on Grady, that North Carolina would be a dangerous place. He expected to see drivers going right through obvious stop signs.

Third, Jose has already had a run in with a Yankee fan a classmate wearing a Derek Jeter shirt.

The conversation went something like this:

Jose: Did you know Derek Jeter has herpes?
Classmate: What?
Jose: He has herpes; he gave it to one of the Jessica’s.
Classmate: How do you know? Have you been looking at his @#$@#$?
Jose: (stunned silence)
Classmate: Have you?
Jose: The herpes probably have great intangibles.

So Jose is off to a great start on that relationship. Jose must have missed the chapter in How to Win Friends and Influence People where it says not to point out that someone’s hero has herpes.

Now many of you may wonder what sort of affect this move will have on the KEYS. Can Jose continue to produce a quality product while so far removed from the motherland? The answer, of course, is no. Denuded of his comfortable stories about how the Red Sox club house resembles the Middlesex County Registrar of Deeds office, Jose is going to have to develop a whole new set of analogies.

For instance, Jose will have to raise important questions such as “How are the Red Sox like biscuits and gravy?” They are both predominantly white and will eventually cause heart attacks.


2. The news emerged yesterday that St. Josh a Beckett’s next start will be pushed back due to a lack of feeling in his pinkie and ring fingers. (Note: Is this a good excuse of adultery? “Honey, I didn’t cheat, I just forgot I was married, because I didn’t feel the ring on my finger.”) In light of this, Jose thinks he has the perfect theme music for Beckett. Jose saw this movie called The Squid and the Whale, and this kid in it wrote a wonderful original song called “Comfortably Numb.” It would be perfect.

While it sound like the numbness is a bad thing, Jose would differ with the conventional wisdom and suggest that this is a blessing in disguise. After all, how will Beckett feel his famous finger blisters if he can’t feel his fingers?

For KEY 3, Jose's thoughts on Yaz, visit http://keystothegame.blogspot.com/

1. Jacoby Ellsbury, RF
2. Dustin Pedroia, 2B
3. David Ortiz, DH
4. Kevin Youkilis, 3B
5. Jason Bay, LF
6. Jed Lowrie, SS
7. Jeff Bailey, 1B
8. Coco Crisp, CF
9. Kevin Cash, C
-- Clay Buchholz, SP

Here's to hoping for a breakout game for Bailey....Sox are probably going to need as much runs as possible tonight. At least Cora can't start in another one of Buchholz's starts with the lefty going for BAL. With Tek's last two nights of hitting, and the chance to hit RH tonight, I'm surprised he's getting a day off.

Yeah, but Tito announced this like 3 days ago, and he always seems to stick with promised days off, hot streaks be damned.

I forget what direction the umpires rotate in -- will last night's 1B ump who went all charades on Pedroia be stationed at 2B tonight?

So who's missing a laptop in the visitor's clubhouse?

Nope, home plate

In addition to being a righty and drawing the start likely for that reason, Bailey saw Waters twice in AAA in 2008. He went a combined 2/6 with a double and a HR, fwiw. (The games were on 5/11 and 6/11.)

How serious is this JD Drew thing? Three days in a row now.

I would like to see Jeff Bailey uncork a bomb today.

I want him to hit a triple. In his first at bat. Then he would have a career cycle with his first 4 major league hits.

Simply devastating that Lugo has suffered a setback! I guess we'll have to keep Jed Lowrie and his .314/.376/.482 in the lineup a little longer. I can hardly contain myself.

Does anyone else cringe when they see these presidential campaign advertisements during the game? The election is the last thing I have on my mind when I'm watching the game...or even the pre-game.

It's those retarded attack ads that I hate. I've never appreciated attack ads, for any side.

Speaking of retardation, did anyone see the replay of the Upton play where he got called out for "making a motion toward second base"? What the Hell? In what world is he turning towards second? That's one of the worst calls I've ever seen.

Nice self-setup.

I hate the Rays, and I think it was a terrible call. If he took one more step, may be it would've been a motion towards second. However, you could see him thinking about going, but he stopped himself. You don't get called out for thinking about going to second.

I guess that's what you get for throwing bats at umpires.

If he does, I'm beating you to the punch in sending it to Jayson Stark

This is it, kid - now that you know how to look at video on a laptop, what else can you do? Pedal to the metal, kick some big ole Baltimore ass tonight.

GO SOX - WIN TODAY!

Nearly two whole pages and no dead oriole pictures? For shame.

Clay Buchholz? Isn't it Charlie Zink's turn in the rotation?

Could've done it yourself

I don't get it.

Does 348 errorless innings to start your career mean you're an excellent defensive player or that you're not getting to any balls?

For Okami:

Wheels.

Ellsbury = sucks

Pedroia = GOD

Dustin Pedroia is my favorite player of all time.

Gone? WTF did that bounce off of?

Geez. I fucking hate Ellsbury.

Edit: but I love Pedroia!

WHERE'S OUR INSTANT REPLAY???

I think it hit that pipe behind the wall.

The ball looks like it bounced off of Payton

That should have been a home run.

Why the fuck does this keep happening to the Sox? I swear to God.

They need to put some fucking tar or something that will stick to the ball behind these walls so we can avoid this shit.

3rd time this season something like that has happened

Bring him in Papi

Nope.....it hit off that weird railing

So Dusty just got robbed of a homer?

Looks like it hit the top of the wall to me.