Dan Shaughnessy: Taking a dump in your mouth one column at a time

joe dokes

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Globe Santa Auditions Underway. Shaughnessy in Lead:
(shaughnessy wades in on hockey )

"He is Crash Davis with a Freddy Krueger mask."
Maybe he wasn't being literal, but goalies haven't worn "Freddy Kruger masks" in about 15 years.


"Certainly you’ve seen the play by now: Lightning winger Steve Downie skated toward the left post, took a rebound (Dominic Moore slapper) "
It was Brewer who took the slapshot.


"And then we have good ol’ Grady Julien, staying the course, changing nothing, "

Except for the players on the ice (Seguin and switching centers around), the lines and the defense pairings, he's correct.
Or as pointed out elsewhere in today's Glob:
http://www.boston.com/sports/hockey/bruins/articles/2011/05/25/up_to_speed_on_pivotal_play/
With 1:08 remaining in Game 5 and play halted for a Tampa Bay timeout, Bruins coach Claude Julien had zero doubt about his personnel for the neutral-zone faceoff.
On the back end, Zdeno Chara and Dennis Seidenberg were slam dunks. Up front, Julien wanted three centers, including two right shots: Patrice Bergeron, Rich Peverley, and Chris Kelly.
“I didn’t know if there was an icing, which side the faceoff would be on,’’ Julien explained. “We had two right centermen and a left. I thought that was important. But Julien has been quick to tap Peverley for ice time in all situations.
Peverley has been on the power play. He has killed penalties. In the third period of Game 4, Peverley took even-strength shifts on the second line. In Game 5, when Tampa coach Guy Boucher double-shifted Lecavalier and Martin St. Louis on his third line, Julien countered by switching Peverley with Tyler Seguin.
Peverley has been Julien’s ultimate utility player.
“I had to put Peverley out there at the point and make sure we had some experience against some of those guys,’’ Julien said of flip-flopping Peverley and Seguin. “This is where Pevs becomes a real useful player.
“He did a great job on the penalty kill, and he jumped in there on the third power play we had. He was used for faceoffs, and he was very good. You can’t just put a guy like him on the fourth line and just give
 

Humphrey

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One of his typical steaming piles notes columns:
1. Papi should be more classy (well, at least he admitted his beloved Orioles suck now).2. Willie McD went to see Whitey in the slammer3. He'll be around to annoy us "fanboys" for years to come.
 

Omar's Wacky Neighbor

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Leaving in a bit to the studio :)
See for yourself if Rachel Nichols is a load. This was taken about a year ago. She was never a hottie but I did see her on the sidelines in Seattle last year and she wasn't gross. A little overweight and looked more like 30 something housewife tahn she did an Erin Andrews sideline babe.
Caught Nichols doing a segment on Bryce Harper. For some reason, they were racing each other in go-carts, but they forgot to edit out when she was getting out of her cart: she was absolutely pear-shaped with a tuchus a mile wide.
 

Granite Sox

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Seriously CHB?

Pardon me if I sound like Larry King, but what’s up with this Twitter madness? It strikes me as trendy, immature, and entirely unnecessary. What you had for lunch is of no interest to me. Increasingly, tweeting seems to be getting athletes in trouble.

... It’s just too easy to rip off an inane message of 140 characters and hit the “send’’ button.

Now Daddy Globe is threatening to make me tweet - at gunpoint. Why? The press box is already full of media folk tweeting instead of watching the game. Tweeting can’t be too hard; someone at the Globe sends this column out on Twitter so I have 306 tweets and more than 8,000 followers even though I have no idea how the thing works. Hope I never have to say my account was hacked.
An Item for the Datebook

No more inane than weekly potshot columns...
 

GreenMonster49

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[quote name='Omar's Wacky Neighbor' timestamp='1310315811' post='3627910']
Caught Nichols doing a segment on Bryce Harper. For some reason, they were racing each other in go-carts, but they forgot to edit out when she was getting out of her cart: she was absolutely pear-shaped with a tuchus a mile wide.
[/quote]

She was on maternity leave (with twins) until April 30th. I'd be inclined to forgive her for being on the pear-shaped side of svelte.
 

John Marzano Olympic Hero

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Shaughnessy would love for the calendar to never turn past 1969. He's in love with that whole era, so him not liking Twitter (or even understanding it) isn't so much anger inducing, it's more sad. Watching him rage against the technology, "modern-day" athletes and owners and today's world is actually depressing.

He reminds me of SNL's Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Cirroc, "Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: "Did little demons get inside and type it?" I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts."



"I-I'm sorry. I was listening to the magic voices coming out of this strange modern invention!"
 

Philip Jeff Frye

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Shaughnessy would love for the calendar to never turn past 1969. He's in love with that whole era, so him not liking Twitter (or even understanding it) isn't so much anger inducing, it's more sad. Watching him rage against the technology, "modern-day" athletes and owners and today's world is actually depressing.
I think you mean 1986. Specifically October 1986.
 

Humphrey

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Not a bad column on Myra Kraft, but it irks me that he quotes both Mike Barnacle Barnicle and Barnicle's wife, Anne Finucane, but doesn't make note of it. That's simply bad form.
True or not true, the story about Myra putting the kabosh on Christian Peter is pretty well known.

However, first time I ever heard the Barnicle reference to her telling Bob to keep the team in Foxborough and not go to Hartford. Of course, given his track record, how do we know Barnicle didn't make this up?
 

Wilco's Last Fan

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Can we give him a little credit for today's article on Bob Kraft? I'm going to dinner with Mr. Shaughnessy soon and I was excited to jump all over him for the stuff he's put out in recent years, but today's article softened me up considerably. I even got a little teared up towards the end.
 

Rasputin

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[quote name='Wilco's Last Fan' timestamp='1311778098' post='3655128']
Can we give him a little credit for today's article on Bob Kraft? I'm going to dinner with Mr. Shaughnessy soon and I was excited to jump all over him for the stuff he's put out in recent years, but today's article softened me up considerably. I even got a little teared up towards the end.
[/quote]

He's still a douche.
 

wutang112878

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[quote name='Wilco's Last Fan' timestamp='1311778098' post='3655128']
Can we give him a little credit for today's article on Bob Kraft? I'm going to dinner with Mr. Shaughnessy soon and I was excited to jump all over him for the stuff he's put out in recent years, but today's article softened me up considerably. I even got a little teared up towards the end.
[/quote]

He is human, as far as we know. So the question becomes what ratio of good to bad do you need to be nice to him? I would argue he does good to bad in his writing at a ratio of like 1 to 20, so the nice deeds simply arent enough for me to be nice to him.
 

twibnotes

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Really miss FJM on days like this.

http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2011/08/02/fighting_it_but_lackey_3d_man_in/

Shaughnessy makes the case that Lackey is the guy he'd want as his 3rd starter in the playoffs. Why? Well, because, that's why.
 

SaveBooFerriss

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I can't beleive I am writing this, but I like Shaughnessy's column today.

[link]
http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2011/08/08/billionaire_slim_cashes_in_on_invite/?p1=News_links [/link]
 

IpswichSox

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I can't beleive I am writing this, but I like Shaughnessy's column today.

[link]
http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2011/08/08/billionaire_slim_cashes_in_on_invite/?p1=News_links [/link]
I thought the exact same thing and came here to post it. Lately he's been pretty good, too, on the Comcast baseball show.

How is this possible?
 

joyofsox

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One day after he (gleefully) sounded the mega-panic alarm and saying we are all getting horrific flashbacks to 1974 and 1978

"Feels like old times. ... Ghosts of past failures are being summoned"

suddenly everything is okay. Nothing to worry about

"now there is calm in the Nation. Even among the veterans of the crash of '78. ... They look pretty solid now. ... [T]hey are going to the playoffs."
 

joe dokes

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One day after he (gleefully) sounded the mega-panic alarm and saying we are all getting horrific flashbacks to 1974 and 1978

"Feels like old times. ... Ghosts of past failures are being summoned"

suddenly everything is okay. Nothing to worry about

"now there is calm in the Nation. Even among the veterans of the crash of '78. ... They look pretty solid now. ... [T]hey are going to the playoffs."
If you read the column carefully, its pretty obvious that he wrote about 80% of it while sitting on the crapper at 4pm. All he had to do was add a few "nots", "won'ts" and "didn'ts" -- or change "calm" to "panic" or "terrible" to "solid" after the game depending on the outcome. He remains lazy and hacktastic. Don't be fooled; when you take the puerile extreme position on everything, and provide no real insight, it makes it simple to be as lazy as he is.

He probably uses an "auto-correct" macro that changes about 15 words which he hits when the core becomes final. ("replace 'under-achieving losers' with 'gritty champions'")
 

Curtis Pride

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If you read the column carefully, its pretty obvious that he wrote about 80% of it while sitting on the crapper at 4pm. All he had to do was add a few "nots", "won'ts" and "didn'ts" -- or change "calm" to "panic" or "terrible" to "solid" after the game depending on the outcome. He remains lazy and hacktastic. Don't be fooled; when you take the puerile extreme position on everything, and provide no real insight, it makes it simple to be as lazy as he is.

He probably uses an "auto-correct" macro that changes about 15 words which he hits when the core becomes final. ("replace 'under-achieving losers' with 'gritty champions'")
There's also the possibility that he wrote two versions of the same text beforehand and sent one depending on the outcome. After the game he could mark one "Send to the Globe" and the other "Do NOT send to the Globe."
 

joe dokes

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There's also the possibility that he wrote two versions of the same text beforehand and sent one depending on the outcome. After the game he could mark one "Send to the Globe" and the other "Do NOT send to the Globe."
That's possible. Depends on which method is easier. Neither requires much effort or insight, so both are possible.
 

Humphrey

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If you read the column carefully, its pretty obvious that he wrote about 80% of it while sitting on the crapper at 4pm. All he had to do was add a few "nots", "won'ts" and "didn'ts" -- or change "calm" to "panic" or "terrible" to "solid" after the game depending on the outcome. He remains lazy and hacktastic. Don't be fooled; when you take the puerile extreme position on everything, and provide no real insight, it makes it simple to be as lazy as he is.

He probably uses an "auto-correct" macro that changes about 15 words which he hits when the core becomes final. ("replace 'under-achieving losers' with 'gritty champions'")
The article he wrote after the Pats beat the Rams in the 2002 Super Bowl was undoubtedly cut from the same cloth. He fully expected them to blow it and invoked every Bill Buckner-esque reference he could remember. He just changed stuff from "the same as when" to " this time they didn't".
 

joe dokes

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I should add....I dont mean to insult media members here. I fully understand that game stories are submitted/created as the game goes one, and columns can be as well, and as a result, late-gmae situations arise -- the old "Get Me Re-Write" scenario. But there's a difference between that and what it appears Shaughnessy does -- write the column before the actual event -- 4pm game day, or March -- and then just change a few words, Mad-Lib style, because he is no longer capable of/interested in insight.
 

Foulkey Reese

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What an asshole.

http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2011/09/23/red_sox_unworthy_of_playoffs_even_if_they_qualify/
 

smastroyin

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I'm not sure whether to give him more or less rope given that he is so much more reasonable on the radio. His writing is clearly intentionally provocative.
 

TheoShmeo

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I remain a huge Schilling fan (though not as huge as G38), but I have to admire the CHB's commitment to trashing Schilling at every conceivable opportunity.

I don't agree with the CHB's overall premise as I very much want the Sox to make the playoffs and could care less whether they "deserve" it. But I begrudgingly think he made a lot of good points in that article. More than usual, at least.
 

Guapos Toenails

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I remain a huge Schilling fan (though not as huge as G38), but I have to admire the CHB's commitment to trashing Schilling at every conceivable opportunity.

I don't agree with the CHB's overall premise as I very much want the Sox to make the playoffs and could care less whether they "deserve" it. But I begrudgingly think he made a lot of good points in that article. More than usual, at least.
I agree. This was an appropriate Shank-ing.
 

Redkluzu

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What I liked about the article and I rarely like anything about Shaugnessy's writing -- yes, provocative but also full of BS most of the time -- is that he said it straight up: Crawford; Lackey; starting pitching -- duh. And often overlooked is this ouchie:
No one in the Sox clubhouse is spared. Even Adrian Gonzalez has come up short when it counts. For all of his great numbers, the first baseman has been A-Gone against the Rays (.131) and Yankees (.186).
So yeah, I have to agree that if they play like this, the playoffs with or without them will be miserable.
 

Curtis_Lesspanic

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I'm not sure whether to give him more or less rope given that he is so much more reasonable on the radio. His writing is clearly intentionally provocative.
What is funny is that on the same day he writes a piece on the patriots for CNNSI nationally that touted the Pats as a legitimate threat to win it all again and then he recycles points from that article to write a pats story for the globe/boston.com that is just a blatant attempt to troll pats fans.


http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/writers/dan_shaughnessy/08/21/belichick.patriots/index.html

http://articles.boston.com/2011-08-21/sports/29912491_1_patriots-plan-coach-belichick-bill-belichick/2
 

Dropkick Izzy

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I just want to get in a giant, pre-emptive fuck you to this asshole. I'm sure he's fully engorged, thinking about the tripe he's rolling out tomorrow along with the residuals, no matter how meager, on his umpteenth revision to that wretched "book" of his.
 

Turrable

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I just want to get in a giant, pre-emptive fuck you to this asshole. I'm sure he's fully engorged, thinking about the tripe he's rolling out tomorrow along with the residuals, no matter how meager, on his umpteenth revision to that wretched "book" of his.
Our seats were near the press box, so once the tarp came out I headed over to the seats right next to it and stood up to watch the Yankees-Rays game on their TV. I was standing about 5 feet away from CHB, and when the game tying homer happened, I swear I could see him light up inside. Although I might just be extremely bitter. Still, fuck him.
 

CaptainLaddie

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Our seats were near the press box, so once the tarp came out I headed over to the seats right next to it and stood up to watch the Yankees-Rays game on their TV. I was standing about 5 feet away from CHB, and when the game tying homer happened, I swear I could see him light up inside. Although I might just be extremely bitter. Still, fuck him.
AND YOU DIDNT STAB HIM? WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!
 

Jackson

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Our seats were near the press box, so once the tarp came out I headed over to the seats right next to it and stood up to watch the Yankees-Rays game on their TV. I was standing about 5 feet away from CHB, and when the game tying homer happened, I swear I could see him light up inside. Although I might just be extremely bitter. Still, fuck him.
I have an acquaintance who was a member of the media at the 2001/02 SB in New Orleans. He was in the press box with CHB and Borges when Vinatieri's kick went sailing through the uprights and told me that both of them were visibly pissed off when that happened. I'm sure Shank was as giddy as a school girl last night.
 

Turrable

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Pete Abe seemed pretty pissed, he yelled "look how FRICKIN EMPTY that stadium is!!!" right after the ball cleared the fence.

Looking back, the fact that I had a chance to do/say something mean to CHB will haunt me more than the loss. I blame my sobriety. Being young sucks.
 

carnie

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There's a reason Carl Everett called Shaugnessy Gordon Edes' curly headed boyfriend and Nomar told him "That's the reason no one wants to play here".
 

the1andonly3003

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Theo might not get the type of smear campaign Tito got, but it looks like the spin is that Lucky has been the puppet master all along and forever will be:

http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2011/10/30/in_red_sox_lineup_hes_the_toughest_out/?page=full
 

Brianish

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You know what I hadn't realized until right now? For all we rip on CHB for being a muckraker, a sad sack, and a mouth-dumper who isn't happy unless he has something bad to say, he's mostly avoided getting involved in this lowest-common-denominator of a Red Sox disaster. It's exactly the sort of ditch I'd expect him to hop down and wallow in, and he's generally stayed above the fray. Then he goes and writes this article, which is really nice - even bordering on sweet at times.

We should probably give him some credit for that.

Edit - Referring to the piece on Theo, not Larry.
 

mt8thsw9th

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One of the better CHB pieces I've read.

I'd quibble with the inclusion of Clement on the worst FAs list, Clement was awesome until he had his lights punched out by a rip from the bat of, (who else?), Carl Crawford!
Which, of course, is revisionist history regarding Clement.